FunWiki: FrogsAreBad

Ariel said I should post the text of Frogs are Bad on Wiki, so I will.

Note: The footnotes went missing, so I had to recreate them. I think I got them right, but I'm not sure.

Also Wikified it a little. If it looks like a Wiki node, it probably used to be two words.

Frogs are Bad

Frogs are bad. You should not eat them. Eating them causes cancer, skin abrasions, ChaosMagic, losing at StarCraft, SpontaneousHumanCombustion, HumPapers, failing classes, and, occasionally, death. This can be seen by the many cases of cancer, skin abrasions, ChaosMagic, losing at StarCraft, SpontaneousHumanCombustion, failing classes, death, and occasional HumPapers that have been associated with the eating of frogs.

Once there was a small frog. It got eaten by a larger frog. The large frog became a ChaosMage and summoned 1d100 lagomorphs. They had twitchy noses, white fur, and nasty sharp teeth. Then the large frog got put in a drier at full heat. Thus, it became a toasted frog. This was a very unpleasant experience, and it sucked for the frog.

Then a hamster came along and ate the the toasted frog. Five minutes later, Helliwell came by with a chainsaw. Then there was no more hamster. It was very bloody. Eckert denied all knowledge, but clearly, Eckert is the vampire. He thralls hamsters, frogs, ChaosMages, physics profs, StarCraft players, hum majors, and the undead. You should avoid Eckert, or he will force you to eat frogs, which causes cancer, skin abrasions, ChaosMagic, losing at StarCraft, SpontaneousHumanCombustion, HumPapers, failing classes, and, occasionally, death.

Nick knows a lot about lagomorphs. They bounce. They are integrable, but only for very large values of p (the permittivity of fluffiness) (2). They do not eat bananas, unless you force feed them to them. Nor do they eat frogs, because they are smarter than hamsters, guinea pigs, ChaosMages, physics profs, StarCraft players, hum majors, the undead, and most humans. They do, however, tear the throats out of humans, especially knights. If you are a knight, avoid lagomorphs. Lagomorphs are known to the Nick.

There are frogs in PlattMatter?. They grind up the frogs and put them in TheMachine?. TheMachine? was originally designed to process cows(3). Hence, it cannot fully process frogs, because frogs are too small and green, except the ones that aren’t green, like Micah’s shell. Micah’s shell is green. It is not a frog, because it is not green, and frogs are green, except the ones that aren’t. TheMachine?’s purpose is to dilute cows, at which point they become spherical and give out cow-colored light(4). After the frogs go through TheMachine?, they are green jello, even the ones that aren’t green. This green jello can evolve to resemble any type of food. It is then sent to Platt. This is why you should not eat PlattMatter?, because it is equivalent to eating frogs, which causes cancer, skin abrasions, ChaosMagic, losing at StarCraft, SpontaneousHumanCombustion, HumPapers, failing classes, death, and occasionally the eating of further frogs.

You should eat at MadFeast?. If you eat at MadFeast?, you will go mad. This is equivalent to becoming a ChaosMage. If you are a ChaosMage and you choose the path of whispering something-or-other, you will hear voices. They will tell you things. They will tell you to eat frogs. Don’t believe the voices. They only want you to get cancer, skin abrasions, ChaosMagic, lose at StarCraft, spontaneously combust, write HumPapers, fail classes, and, occasionally die. You should never listen to the voices.

Kermit the Frog is forest green. Green is as green does. Kermit the Frog sings songs. They are not silly songs with Larry. Larry will hide under your bed, but only if you are Prime, because if you are Prime, you will be scared of VeggieTales?. VeggieTales? are Christian propaganda. They are silly. They have silly songs. Silly songs are Christian propaganda. Q.E.D.

Surge is green. It is a caffeinated drink made of frogs. The frogs are partially neutralized by the caffeine, but some frogness remains, causing those who drink Surge to suffer ChaosMagic, SpontaneousHumanCombustion, HumPapers, failing classes, and occasional death. This death can come in many forms, including death by fire, death by ChaosMagic, death by DuctTapeDagger, death by ITR, and death by The Machine.

You are still reading this hum paper. You are very silly. Therefore, you are Christian propaganda. This hum paper is not green, unlike Micah’s shell, which is green. Go read Micah’s shell. It is notgreensh. The command prompt is green. Micah’s shell is a good shell. You should be running Linux. Linux is not Christian propaganda. Penguins are not lagomorphs. They do not tear your throat out. Nor do they cause cancer, skin abrasions, ChaosMagic, losing at StarCraft, SpontaneousHumanCombustion, HumPapers, failing classes, or, unless you are Bill Gates, death.

This HumPaper is a frog. Do not eat this HumPaper. Do not read this HumPaper. Reading HumPapers is equivalent to eating HumPapers, because it causes an equivalent or greater amount of pain. This HumPaper is also a prince. Please kiss this HumPaper. This HumPaper can talk. An object will now break, such as your head. Please do not live happily ever after.

In conclusion, you should not read this HumPaper. Unfortunately, it is too late. Therefore, prepare to suffer from cancer, skin abrasions, ChaosMagic, losing at StarCraft, SpontaneousHumanCombustion, HumPapers, failing classes, and, occasionally, death.

That is all.

(1) Produced, edited, and ghost-written by StephGrush ((PLUS-SHAPED))

(2) Interview, NickJohnson, (date missing) {Based on the movement to integrate Bunnies during Fall '99. Should Wiki publish the original documents, if i can find them... i have them somewhere... --Nick}

(3) Ibid. {Based on a track from one of Nate's CDs. (Head and Leg?) Great stuff}

(4) Comment by LucasBaker overheard in EastLounge, (date missing)

(PLUS-SHAPED) In repayment, JulieWortman later wrote StephGrush's [thesis] for her.