Large Monkey Runs Amuck Downtown: 1 killed, 15 injured, several impregnated
Today, the 15-story monkey known as "King Kong" escaped from his shackles at a press conference and excused himself from the proceedings. He was very rude throughout the entire ordeal," commented professional reporter Ima Anoing. "He refused the answer any of the questions posed to him. He seemed to only respond with vague hand motions and nearly indecipherable grunts. Then, to top it all off, he up and leaves with not hide nor hare of an excuse." Kong's publicist, Mr. van Hoff, is taking much of the rap for his unruly behavior. "We had talked about this before," Hoff explains. "I specifically said, 'No breaking loose and killing people.' Did he listen, noooo. His little charade today may have permanently jeopardized his future as a public figure."
After leaving the conference, King Kong was said to have stormed downtown to "let off a little steam." Unlike other rampages that we have had downtown in the past, this one seemed not to be motivated by neither rage nor greed, but rather by a different sort of emotion. We at the Crack Monkey gazette were able to get an exclusive interview with a local law enforcement officer who was at the scene. Officer Duncan MacGruff? commented, "So, we 'ad dis 'uge monkey coming down toward us, see. We watched 'im as he went from build'n ta build'n. Me and me mate thought we spied him looking fer large windas and about waist height is ya know what I mean *chuckle*. So I nudged to me mate an' says, 'Oi! looks that 'uge fella is a bit randy eh?' An' he chuckles back and he says, 'Aye, quite right, the lad's member is throbbing somethin' awful. Wait ... what's that large thing up to now?' And I says back to 'im, "Oi! Oi! It looks like our friend 'ere is slap boxing the one-eyed champ!' An' lemme tell ya, that boy really went at it. Only now do I appreciate my pappy, god rest his soul, when he used ta say, 'like a baboon in heat.' Soon, that 'uge ape was jizzing his spooge from 'ere all da way ta North Hampton. I'm tell'n ya, it looked like it was rain'n milk! An' that's how the whole thing really began, mates. That's the real story that should be put inta yer paper."
Putting aside Officer MacGruff?'s commentary for the moment, it is important to remember that this is a solemn day. Many people were grievously wronged during this reckless rampage. 15 people were admitted to the Saint Mary Holy Water Hospital with various monkey related injuries. Also, several females were unwittingly deflowered by what is now being referred to as the "simian rain." As if that was not enough, the coup de grace of this entire ordeal is the death of one of our own. Mr. Viktim, a local shop keeper in the downtown area, was struck a lethal blow by this monkey's fluids earlier today. He was rushed to a nearly hospital where he was tragically declared DOA (dead on arrival). One of our field correspondents was able to get a first hand account of this horrific event from Mr. Viktim's grieving widow, Ima. "We were just going off lunch when it happened. It seemed so normal. We were just walking along as we always do, down the same street. The same street we go down every day holding hands as we walk. Then, it was like this huge white comet. Out of nowhere this huge glob of white tore by and wrenched my poor husband right out of my hand. The force of the impact threw him against a nearby building. *sobs* It was so horrible. There was nothing I could do. I was just frozen to the spot. I just watched as my lovely husband drowned is a lake of white. *lapses into sobbing fit* Although, it was actually kind of arousing. I was sort of turned on in a weird way by my husband drowning in a sea of man batter. Or, I suppose in this case it was monkey batter. In any case, it was horrible, just awful, erotic, but still appalling."
Truly a shocking first person account of how utterly awful this event really was. Elton John has already promised to make as spin-off of "It's raining men" in memorial of this tragic event and the life that it took. After the whole thing was over, Kong fled the scene. In search of what behavioral biologist are want to call, "a good smoke."
--Staff Writer: Cal "CrackFrosh" Pierog