Note on Categories: Plenty of jokes start out "A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer walk into a [adj. noun pair]". Ask yourself, which of these people does the joke make fun of? That's the category it belongs in.
Not to be confused with UnFunnyJokes?.
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A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.
Three statisticians are hunting deer. None of them are very good at it. They spot a deer. Simultaneously, two of them shoot at the deer. The first one misses to the left by ten feet, and the second one misses to the right by ten feet. The third one exclaims, "We got it!"
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are walking at night when they come to a house that is on fire. A fire truck is parked in front of the house, but the firefighters are preoccupied rescuing people from the house, so the blaze is growing uncontrollably. The engineer and the physicist spy a firehose lying discarded on the sidewalk. The engineer quickly attaches it to the hydrant while the physicist opens the water valve and aims the hose at the fire. Together, they put the fire out. "Thank heavens you two knew what to do," says the mathematician, "I had no idea where to start".
The next day, the three are walking together again. They pass a house where a child is playing in the sprinkler. The mathematician runs onto the lawn, disconnects the garden hose, turns off the water supply, and lights the house on fire.
"What the hell are you doing?" screams the engineer as the physicist looks on in terror.
"Reducing the situation to a previously solved problem" replies the mathematician.
A mathematician is watching TV in his home when a commercial comes on, warning of the dangers of methane gas leaks in residential buildings. For just $49.99, it claims, you can order a small, convenient appliance which will set of an alarm if it detects elevated methane levels in the air.
The mathematician figures that $49.99 isn't too bad a price for peace of mind on the subject, so he orders one. It arrives a few days later and he installs it.
Not to long after, the mathematician is awoken to the loud blaring of the methane gas detector's alarm. He leaps out of bed and grabs the manual that came with the device. In large print on the front cover, it says that if the alarm sounds, all occupants should immediately evacuate the building and call the fire department for further assistance.
Relieved that a simple solution exists, the mathematician puts down the manual and goes back to bed.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.
This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
Q: What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a zebra? A: Mosquito zebra sin theta.
Q: What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? A: You can't do that because you can't cross a vector and a scalar.
A computer scientist is in the shower one morning, idly reading the label of his shampoo bottle. Printed under the heading "INSTRUCTIONS" is the simple directive "lather, rinse, repeat".
His shampoo-covered, waterlogged corpse was found in the shower eight days later.
In the glossary of a CS textbook:
"infinite loop (n.): see 'loop, infinite' " "loop, infinite (n.): see 'infinite loop' "
Also in the glossary:
"recursion (n.): see 'recursion' ".
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Dec. 25 is the same as Oct. 31.
A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
Hear the voice of God:
A biochemist and a structural engineer are arguing over which scientific discipline (medicine or engineering) came first, if Genesis is to be believed. The biochemist contends that medicine is oldest because God surgically removed a rib from Adam to make Eve. The engineer counters that before that, God built Heaven and the Earth, presumably based on some sort of blueprints.
A programmer overhears their debate and interjects, claiming software development to be the oldest discipline of them all. The engineer chides, saying "but before God built the Earth and the cosmos, there was only the void, only chaos!"
The programmer smiles and replies, "And where do you think the chaos came from?".
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-go-seek. Einstein closes his eyes and counts to 10. Pascal runs and hides behind a tree, while Newton pulls out a meter stick and uses it to draw a square next to Einstein on the ground. He then sits down on it. Einstein reaches the end of his count, opens his eyes, and exclaims "Hah, I found you Newton!". Newton points indignantly to the square meter he is sitting over and says "Nuh-uh! You found Pascal!".