Cheap Lemon Truffles
Take some Platt ketchup and mustard. Put them in a shallow dish. Stir until vaguely consistent. Take a Platt chocalate chip cookie. Dip in the ketchup and mustard. Eat.
Lori Thomas's Apple Dumplings
6 apples 2 cups flour 2 tsp baking powder 1 tsp salt 2/3 cups butter 1/2 cup milk 3/2 cup sugar 3/2 cup water 1/4 tsp Nutmeg 1/4 tsp Cinnamon Extra Sugar, Butter, Cinnamon, and Nutmeg
1) Make Nick and Julie peel the apples. Listen to Nick wank about Julie peeling them faster than him, so he doesn't have time to eat the apple peels.
I'm pretty sure it's Nick peeling and Julie coring; listen to Nick wank about how Julie cores faster than he peels...--JulieWortman
2) Make them core the apples. They should now look like they escaped from a multi-V problem. ("What is the volume of a solid of revolution generated by rotating an arc of a circle and its chord around the axis parallel to the chord?") Listen to them wank some more about how long it is taking. Tell them no, it won't work if they just cut them into quarters.
3) Ask the person reading Ender's Game if she can bake. Upon hearing the answer yes, give this recipe to her and make her make the pastry.
4) Mix the flour, baking powder, and salt. Wank at Ariel about using the phrase "3/2 cup" in this recipe. Add the butter and mix until you have coarse crumbs. Then add the milk, and mix just until it's dough. Don't overmix.
5) Spread flour on the table. Borrow Nick's wine bottle to use as a rolling pin. Roll the dough out until it is about 12 by 18 inches.
6) Cut the dough into six equal pieces.
7) Stand an apple with the hole vertical in the middle of a piece of dough. Put a little butter on the dough around it, and put about a teaspoon of butter in the hole. Pour some sugar and cinnamon on top. Wrap the dough around the apple entirely.
8) Show Nick what you just did, and make him repeat step 7 with the rest of the apples.
9) Put the apples in a glass baking pan, several inches deep, and space the apples out by about an inch.
10) Give the result to Lori. Lori will combine the sugar, water, nutmeg, and cinnamon and boil it to make syrup. If you need it to be more fattening, she will add 2 tsp butter. She will then pour the syrup over the apples.
11) Put it in the oven at a temperature of 375 degrees. Note the time.
12) Eat your dinner.
13) After 35 minutes have passed, take the apples out and eat them.
Ariel's Grandmother's Microwave Fudge
3 cups chocolate chips 1 14-oz can of sweetened condensed milk 1 tablespoon butter 1 teaspoon vanilla Extra butter to grease the pan
1) Put the chocolate chips in the microwave for a minute or two, then take them out and stir them.
2) Repeat step 1 until the chocolate chips are melted. Add the condensed milk before the last time you heat the chocolate chips. (This will make it vastly easier to avoid lumps of unmelted chocolate.)
3) Dump both remaining ingredients in the bowl of warm melted chocolate and mix them in.
4) Don't eat it yet.
5) With the extra butter, grease a Walmart plate, then dump the chocolate mixture into the plate.
6) About this time, tell your mom (who is talking to your sister on the phone) to tell your sister that making fudge is her job.
7) Feel surprised that a plate is deep enough to make fudge in.
8) Put the plate in the refrigerator.
9) Wait an hour. You can eat it now.
Jeff's Chocolate Pudding
3 tablespoons cornstarch 2 tablespoons cocoa (the bitter stuff) 1/4 cup sugar 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 cups milk 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (real, not artificial) Whipped cream (optional)
1. Put everything but the vanilla and 1 1/2 cups of milk into a jar (should hold about two cups). Put the lid on the jar TIGHTLY and shake it up until the mixture looks smooth.
2. If you have a blender, use that instead. It's much easier, plus it makes a cool whirlpool effect. Watch the vortex as it sucks away your soul.
3. Stop watching the pretty whirlpools! You've got pudding to make!
4. Pour the chocolate mixture into a saucepan along with the rest of the milk. Cook over medium-high heat, stirring constantly with a big wooden spoon. Don't leave it alone, even for a moment, because pudding burns easily.
5. This is the fun part. At some point (usually about five minutes in), the mixture will thicken very suddenly. You'll be able to tell because it'll be a bit harder to stir. The color usually gets a bit darker, too. Anyhow, at this point, turn off the heat. Keep stirring, and add the vanilla (it helps if you've measured out the vanilla beforehand).
6. Pour the rapidly cooling pudding into serving receptacles of choice. This recipe makes four bowls that are similar in size to the pudding cups you can find in the same aisle as the cheeses at the supermarket. At least, at the one I go to. Or you can make a few larger portions. Your choice.
7. Assuming that the serving receptacle you chose in part 6 was not "your mouth" (you greedy bastard), the next step depends on how you like your pudding.
8. Use the remaining whipped cream for edible graffiti, erotic play, or spraying directly into your mouth in an orgy of gratuitous gustatory decadence.
Selene's Silvanas (Whee, alliteration!)
Silvanas are a yummy Philippine dessert, though they're kind of complicated. This is a halved version of the original recipe that SeleneTan found.
0) Separate the egg yolks and whites. The egg whites may come out yellowish even if you didn't let any yolk through. This is okay. Suggestion: carefully break the egg so that you don't break the yolk, then dump the whole egg into your hand over the bowl. Part your fingers slightly, and the egg white will slip right through (or over, as the case may be). This is the "I don't have any cooking equipment" version of using a strainer. :P
1) Beat egg whites with cream of tartar until you can make swirly patterns in the stuff that won't go away. It's all nice and white and foamy! Yay!
2) Slowly pour in the sugar and keep beating. It should get even stiffer. Use the mixer to draw smiley faces, or possibly WuZZles.
3) Take some (about 2 cups?) non-chopped cashew nuts. Put them in the blender. Try a lower setting than "pulverize" if you don't want cashew powder or cashew butter, although the powder may be inevitable. Oh, well.
4) Mix the powdered cashews and flour as well as you can. Pour and "fold" them slowly into the meringue, i.e. gently overlap the meringue over the nuts until they're sort-of-evenly distributed. Or you could just turn the mixer on again, and the meringue will lose all its puffy meringue-y-ness. That's okay, we're trying to make flat things here, right? :P
5) Put the things on a baking sheet of some sort. Use a teaspoon and drop meringue on the sheet, then try to flatten it out. People seem to like small silvanas better, probably because they've never heard of silvanas and don't want to risk eating this ginormous scary things they've never had before.
6) Put the sheet in your 250F oven. Oh, I forgot to say that earlier, didn't I? Oh well, 250F doesn't take long to achieve. Usually.
7) Go to dinner. Don't take *too* long. After about an hour (of having meringues in the oven), turn the heat down to maybe 200F or 170F.
8) Check the oven when around 1.75 hours total have passed. The meringues might be done by now. Anyone who actually knows how to make meringues might have a better idea.
7b) Actually, you should probably start making the butter filling somewhere in here.
9) "Cream" the butter, i.e. make sure it's nice and squishy and then put it in a bowl and jab it with the mixer (the turned-on mixer) and let butter bits fly around the bowl. A good position is to brace the bowl with your legs and hold the mixer with both hands to make sure you get all the butter. You're supposed to do this until it's "light and fluffy", or whenever you get tired of making butterflies. (*groan*)
10) Dissolve the sugar in the milk. Slowly pour the sugary milk into the butter. Keep the mixer going. If your butter was nice and squishy before you started, you will have a nice even mixture. If your butter was not squishy, there'll be loose milk in the bowl that won't go away, which is going to be bad when you want to spread it.
11) Go back to your blender. Oh yeah, you should get those cashew bits out of it, shouldn't you? Putting soapy water in a blender and making it blend is a good way to clean out cashew bits. :P
12) Back to your blender. Grab some cookies. Put them in the blender. Pick a setting, any setting, and watch the cookies turn to powder. If you let it go long enough, the cookies will get really hot, and possibly explode. Stop blending before then, since the cookeis will have turned to powder long since.
8b) Pull your meringues out. Umm, they should be done. It's been suggested that a rolling pin will make the meringues nice and flat, which will make it a bit easier to coat them.
13) Cover both sides of each meringue wafer with the butter filling. Then roll it in the cookie crumbs so that you can hold it without getting the butter filling all over your fingers. This is the part where you really want people helping; it can take as long as the rest of the steps together.
13b) If your butter wasn't squishy, then you'll probably run out of filling part-way through. Go and make more and by this time (if you didn't put your butter back in the fridge) you should have nice, squishy butter.
13c) If you have extra filling left-over, head to those cookies and coat them too. Or you could eat the filling by itself. Or mix it with the remaining cookie crumbs and spoon that. :P
Yay, now you have silvanas! Now you can go around offering people silvanas and having them say "huh, what?"
14) The way they're *supposed* to be served is after being frozen first. So go do that first. Or maybe with whatever silvanas you have left. :P
Selene's Pseudo-Italian Risotto
This was something made at the end of Spring Break to get rid of the left-over ingredients from previous dinners.
Base Ingredients: "A lot" (maybe 3 cups uncooked?) of rice 1 cup + 1/2 can of chicken broth (this was what we had leftover) Half can of tomato puree Full jar of tomato sauce (the ~20-something oz kind) 1 Tbsp minced garlic Olive oil
"Make-your-own" Ingredients (leftovers): Green beans, peas, carrots, corn, celery, mushrooms (i.e. leftover vegetable-ish things) One whole onion, One whole garlic bulb, parsley (i.e. leftover seasonings) 4 6-oz cans of tuna
1) Cook the rice. It's about twice as much water as rice (SeleneTan bends her finger and puts it on top of the rice and pours water until it reaches her next knuckle). You either stick it in a rice cooker, in which case you don't have to worry, or you put it in a pot over the stove and boil it for 20 minutes with a slightly vented lid.
2) Chop your ingredients (other than the tuna). Smaller is probably better.
3) Saute the tuna in garlic and olive oil. Saute the onions, mushrooms, and remaining garlic. You might want to steam/boil the celery by sticking it in the microwave with some water for a couple of minutes.
4) Put the rice in a big pot. Put the broth in the pot. Put the tomato puree and sauce in the pot. Put the remaining ingredients in the pot. (I *said* "big pot".)
5) Put the pot on the stove. Turn on the stove. Stir the pot to mix everything as evenly as you can. (You'll need a *really* big pot for this not to be a bit hard...) The tuna will look like it disappears. You might notice at this point that you have too much liquid, so boil it off. Make sure you stir the bottom of the pot, or all the rice will stick to it and you'll have a really hard time getting it off.
6) Serve! You can add parmesan cheese and butter, and/or eat it with garlic bread. There's enough for 6 people, 1 curious person, and leftovers.
6b) Some people think it tastes better if you use sausage and add Szechuan seasoning.
Note that this is the dish that caused the "You put TUNAFISH in that?!" comment. :P
Selene's, um, "Mango Surprise"? I have no clue what to call this; I made it up one night when my sibs were trying to convince each other to go get food for snacking, and I felt like being creative.
I used mango soda and mango ice cream for this because I happened to have them handy. Unfortunately, mango soda and ice cream are not easily available in less enlightened countries. Substitute whatever you want.
1) Get a shallow bowl or deep plate big enough to fit a graham cracker (or at least most of one) flat on its bottom. Pour the soda onto it and let it soak until it's soft, but not falling apart. Repeat with as many graham crackers as you like. Refill the, er, "marinade" whenever you have to.
2) Put a layer of crackers on a plate.
3) Put a layer of ice cream on top of the crackers. It might help if the ice cream is partly melted, so you can spread it, but that also makes the dessert a lot messier. Put cream in the layer if you want to.
4) Repeat steps 2 and 3, ending whenever you want to.
5) Try to make the top look less disgusting by ending it on graham crackers and putting Skittles on top. Pour whatever soda was left in the bowl over the entire thing.
That's just the basic idea, do whatever you like to it.
Evil Southie's Evil Smoothies
1. Realize you don't have any of the ingredients for the smoothie. Wank about wanting the smoothie _now_. Go buy ingredients. Strawberries can be bought already frozen. They're cheaper and they're just about as good for this, although they'll make the smoothie redder for some random reason.
2. Let the bananas sit until they're not green any more. Wank about how long bananas take to ripen.
3. When the bananas are ripe (spots are just starting to appear on the yellow), cut them up into thirds/ fourths/ whatever seems like good managable chunks and put them in the freezer.
4. Wait a day. Go make other recipes in the meantime.
5. Pour a little less than 2 cups orange juice into the blender. I could've said one and three quarters cups, but it's not like any of you are actually using measuring cups for this, are you?
6. Marvel at the bananas having gotten all frozen into one large chunk. Break off managable chunks. A managable chunk more than one full banana is usually about right. Put frozen bananas into the blender.
7. Throw frozen strawberries into the blender. In every blender I've seen so far, enough strawberries to make a full layer plus one is good.
8. Put the yogurt in the blender. Be amused at eating yogurt by emptying it over something instead of eating it with a spoon.
9. Put the top on the blender. We both know somebody would've forgotten otherwise.
10. Turn the blender on as high as it will go. Become concerned that it's making too much noise and you're going to wake somebody up. Finish recipe anyway.
11. Frown and be worried that the top part of the smoothie isn't going to get mixed if it only blends the bottom part.
12. Get impatient and jiggle the blender slightly. For the really impatient or if your blender is being really stubborn, a spoon can be used to fix jams or to break the layer problem.
13. Feel better as the whirlpool sucks in all the top stuff. Let it go a few more times around to grab random yogurt that got stuck to the sides of the blender.
14. Realize you don't have a big enough cup to put all this smoothie in. Figure something out.
15. Taste. Realize that you'd like it better with a tad more of something or a little less of something or maybe a different yogurt flavor. Edit recipe. Repeat as necessary. Enjoy.
Robin's Highly Experimental White Chocolate-Lime-Macadamia Cookies
All ingredient quantities are estimates. If I posted the real recipe you'd have units like "a mound about that big".
0. Preheat the oven to 375F.
1. Soften the butter in the microwave for a bit and mash it into both kinds of sugar until it's got a smooth, uniform consistency. If your arm doesn't hurt, you're probably not done yet.
2. Add everything else except the lime juice, the chocolate, and the macadamia nuts. Stir until blended.
3. Add 2 big sloshes of lime juice and the chocolate. Stir it up.
4. Taste and decide there's not enough lime. Add two more sloshes.
5. If you live alone or hate your housemates, get out a hammer and smash the macadamia nuts with it until they're in cookie-appropriate chunks. If you don't want to wake anyone up, put them on a cutting board and chop them with a sharp knife, grumbling about not getting to smash them with a hammer. Stir them into the dough.
6. Taste again. Decide there's still not enough lime. Add two or three more sloshes.
7. Realize it's way too goopy but since you were putting away ingredients as you went along (weren't you?) the flour is already back on a high shelf and too much trouble to retrieve. Suffer the goopiness.
8. Spoon 8 huge dollops of dough onto your only cookie sheet and put them in for 12 minutes. Meanwhile, wander off with the bowl of dough so the cat can't get into it. Eat some on the way.
9. Come back 10 minutes later to check on them, and discover that they've melted into one huge liquid mass covering the entire cookie sheet. Sit on the kitchen floor for two minutes laughing helplessly. Meanwhile it has become finished. It should get just a bit brown and carmelized-sugar-y around the edges, and bubbly in the middle. It will be quite thin.
10. Take it out and pray you greased the cookie sheet enough. Realize you didn't grease it at all and pray to the gods of non-stick to love you.
11. Realize you are not in luck, and scrape the megacookie off the cookie sheet into a pile of cookie on a paper-towel covered cutting board (or counter, if it's more convenient).
12. Start another batch, smaller cookies this time, and fail to check on them. Come back to realize they are even more stuck to the cookie sheet than previously, scrape them off as before, and give up for the night.
13. Cook the last two batches in the morning, remembering to grease the cookie sheet liberally this time with vegetable oil.
14. Test your evil cookies on innocent unsuspecting froshlings at the summer sendoff.
15. Repeat later, but with less stupid.
AlexBobbs' "cooking by guessing" Peanut Butter Cookies
1. Mix a bunch of peanut butter with a bunch of butter. You know, until you have this big ball of goop. Melting the butter first with a BlowTorch? makes this easier.
2. Add some sugar. I think you might need brown sugar too, so better throw in some of that, but not too much, just in case I'm wrong.
3. Add an egg. Hell, make it two eggs.
4. Add a dash of baking soda.
5. Wait a minute, did I mean baking powder? What's the difference, anyway? Better throw in some of that shit too.
6. Add more sugar. You probably didn't add enough the first time. You nitwit.
7. Add vanilla and salt, just in case this recipe needs them.
8. Add flour until the stuff is all sticky and not too liquidy. Then add more flour.
9. Throw some gobs of the sticky stuff on the baking tray and put it in the oven. Set the oven to some really hot temperature, and remove before you start a fire.
10. Allow cookies to cool and then see if and how badly you screwed up.
Actually not that heinous when you compare it to those so-called lemon truffles.
Works best with cheap barbeque sauce and cheap ranch dressing, the kind that isn't really overly creamy. If you want to really rock it old school, use strictly Wendy's House Dressing and Barbeque Sauce.
1. Mix together everything except the egg. Oh yeah, throw in however much water you need to make the rice. Microwave it a bit
2. Decide it needs something more. Remember you have eggs. Crack one open and mix it up.
3. Realize that there was more egg than rice. Shrug and put it back in the microwave.
4. Take out the thing and realize you've kind of made a rice omelet. Oh well! Fun! (And it's lucky because it doesn't actually taste that bad.)
5. Wish you had some salt to put in it.
You will need
1. Boil water. Also, preheat oven to 350. Better too early than too late.
2. Add macaroni to water, watch it boil for a while.
3. Add some salt while it's boiling, if you remember. Not that I'm convinced it matters since I always forget.
4. Once macaroni is done (determined by eating one and deciding it's not chewy anymore), strain off water w/collander (or carefully by hand).
5. Return macaroni to pot. Add cheddar cheese sauce. Add milk to thin the sauce (totally optional). Add optional other foods. Mix thoroughly
6. Put in oiled pan of reasonable size and depth, cover with foil (if you don't have foil scrounge around for a while)
7. Oven-cook for ~20 minutes. 1 unit serves ~2 college students (or one Cal?)
1 cup chocolate chips 1 cup cream 1 egg ~1/3 cup sugar optional: vanilla or other flavorings (fruit preserves/jam work pretty well if you don't have random extracts) optional: edible acid (e.g. vinegar)
(I usually make double-batches because for some reason I can never find 1-cup cartons of cream. A double-batch is generally enough for 10 people or so to have some.)
1. Melt the chocolate chips in the microwave (you can see Ariel's fudge recipe for more instructions). Try not to do it in one of those cheap reusable/disposable plastic bowls because sometimes the chocolate melts through the bottom.
2. Heat the cream in the microwave for a bit, until it's warm. This is mostly so it doesn't make the melted chocolate solidify on contact.
3. Put everything in a blender and blend until it's all the same color.
4. Add sugar and flavorings to taste, then blend some more.
4a. Add the edible acid. The little bit of sourness it brings makes the mousse less cloyingly sweet and more yummily sweet. Too much vinegar keeps the mousse from setting, though.
5. Put it in the fridge for at least 2 hours, or however long it takes to harden.
This has a somewhat lighter, smoother, texture, but is basically the same.
1. Melt the chips.
2. Separate the eggs into yolks and whites.
3. Mix the yolks with the cream and microwave them until hot. This apparently kills salmonella and whatnot.
4. Blend the egg whites and sugar together until somewhat foamy.
5. Now throw everything into the blender and blend.
6. Add the flavorings and/or acid and blend
Cream Cheese Mints
~3 oz cream cheese 2.5-3 cups powdered sugar, or the same amount of normal sugar blended with ~1 tbsp rice flour per cup mint extract food coloring is optional
1. Mix the cream cheese and sugar together as well as you can. It helps if the cheese is not straight from the fridge.
2. Decide to make a double batch and don't have enough powdered sugar.
2a. Find out that the substitution is 1 cup powdered sugar = 1 cup normal sugar blended with 1 tbsp cornstarch.
2b. Realize you don't have cornstarch either and reason that rice flour is also used to thicken things and therefore can be substituted
3. Mix the batch with the sugar and realize it's way stiffer and crumblier
4. Add a little bit of milk to the dry batch until it mixes
5. Read the directions to add 1/2 teaspoon of mint extract to the mints, and remember adding about 8 drops to the last batch of mousse you made. Remember that the mousse ended up very minty. Disregard the directions.
5a. Add 3-4 drops of mint extract to each batch
6. Add food coloring, red to one batch and green to the other, in the hopes of getting Christmas colors. Mix. End up with pink and light green.
7. Try plopping the batches of mint-stuff on a tray, spreading them in two layers, and rolling them to get a twirly effect. Be thwarted by the stickiness of the lower/outer layer.
9. Split the roll into two parts and stretch them out to be thinner
10. Use dental floss to cut slices off the rolls. Notice that instead of neat Christmas-y swirls, you have psychedelic patterns.
11. Arrange them on a tray. Allow them to dry for a couple of hours, then turn them over and let them dry more.
11a. Stamp the mints with some star-shaped cake-decorating-thingies to make them look fancier
Brian's Cookie Bombs
1. Make a batch of your favorite cookie dough (chewy recipes work better).
2. Spoon the dough into muffin tins. Each cup should be filled to a bit below the top.
3. Cook about 50 degrees (F) lower than you normally would, for about twice as long.
4. Remove and let cool in the tins. The centers should collapse in a delicious gooey mess.
5. To serve, spoon a little ice cream into the hole in the center.
6. Once cool, they will also be fairly dense, and a nice heft and size for throwing at people. Doubly so if refridgerated.
This produces an extroardinarily moist and flavorful meal. Cajun seasoning is not too spicy, but it gives the salmon a nice flavor. You can also follow these cooking instructions using herbs of your choice (dill being the obvious one).
Disclaimer: I've never done this with a skillet, only with a grill, but I see no reason why it wouldn't work.
IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTE: The olive oil is likely to start boiling, which means that it will start bubbling violently and may splatter. BE EXTREMELY CAREFUL so that you do not burn yourself. Note also that it may superheat, meaning that it won't start boiling until disturbed, at which point it will start splattering.
1. If using aluminum foil, shape it into a boat. Pour a bunch of olive oil into the skillet or the boat. The idea is to literally cook the salmon in olive oil, so don't skimp. Also, make sure to do this first so the salmon doesn't stick.
2. Put salmon in the oil. The lower third to half of the salmon should be immersed in oil.
3. Drizzle a little olive oil on top. Season liberally with garlic, cajun seasoning and lemon juice.
4. Close lid of grill or place lid on skillet. If using a grill, have the salmon on one side, with low heat on that side and high heat on the other (this is called using indirect heat). If in a skillet, you'll probably want to cook on fairly low heat.
5. Wait. This takes about half an hour to cook all the way through. To check how well it's done, make a hole in the top of the thickest part with a fork or spatula. It's done when that part is no longer reddish, but a nice, pale pink. You can also tell that it's getting done when the hole starts to fill up with a buttery, oily white fluid.
6. When it's done, you'll want to wait a minute or two to let the oil cool before you attempt to extract the salmon. If you cooked with aluminum foil, be careful to make sure that no bits of foil attempt to remain attached to the salmon. You may well still lose the skin of the salmon, even if you did step 1 first.
7. Eat. Potato salad makes a good side. You could also do a kalamata olive and feta platter, which is my personal favorite.
No Wiki page with the word "Wank" can be perfectly serious, but, um, if such an award exists, I think so
I don't object, but I demand to know what you're doing. :) --SeleneTan
The game is a point-and-click adventure game, similar to the first one linked on my Wiki page. Anyway, there will be books that you can carry and read at any time, one of which will be a cookbook (containing information vital for a few puzzles). Rather than fill the pages with boring normal recipes, I thought it would be funnier and truer to form if all the recipes (save for the ones I wrote specifically for the game) were special Eastie recipes.--AlexBobbs
If you use the apple dumpling recipe, please don't use my full name ("Lori's Apple Dumplings", "Apple Dumplings", and "Made Up Name" are all fine). Otherwise, I don't mind. --LoriThomas
No one's full name will be used.--Alex