TeddyBear

TeddyBear is a mixture of fluff, fairy dandruff, the laughter of small children, freshly iced cupcakes, and gay sex. He is the tan ball of cute of East courtyard and can be seen boinging around on the grass. If he were let loose on the Scripps campus, all anarchy would break forth. A member of the subspecies Oryctolagus cuniculus fluffettybunnikins, he has been bred for maximum friendliness, fluffitude and orangicity.

He's a rabbit, he's fluffy, and he's cuter than your boyfriend.

He belongs to BriannaBlanchard?, although LizSarapata has visitation rights. Can often be seen in the grass in front of East, under an umbrella.

So far, of students surveyed who have boyfriends, 100% agree that Teddy is cuter than their boyfriend. Other students agree that if they had a boyfriend, Teddy would be cuter.

• AND WHAT IF MY BOYFRIEND WERE TEDDY?

However, Teddy, as a rabbit, is mostly defined by his viceness. The following e-mail was sent during the ProctorOfVice flamewar of 2011 and cemented Teddy's role in the lead so thoroughly that he was unanimously voted ProctorOfVice, even by the other candidates:

Okay, I've had enough of this already. While I might be reluctantly forced to admit that this year's candidates are conducting a better flamewar than last year's, it is approximately the difference between"a paraplegic gigolo with one who is merely lying motionless in a dumpster" (Liz's metaphor - mine was less colorful).

With that said, I would like to present the actual future Proctor of Vice: Teddy.

You all know Teddy as the cute bunny who hangs out in the quad sometimes (and for those of you don't, here he is: https://picasaweb.google.com/airplaniac2002/Bunnies?feat=email#5567137145314024050), but you may not realize that Teddy is more viceful by far than any of the pathetic, so-called candidates you've been hearing from. Yes, that's right, all of you are currently losing to an adorable, fluffy bunny.

There's been some talk of orgies, but so far, no action. This year, thanks to Teddy, there was a lounge res for gay bunny sex, which is far more viceful than any mere game of drinking Jenga. But Teddy is not just about the gay sex - Teddy loves boobs, too. Every girl who picks Teddy up gets fondled - how many proctors of vice can say they've willingly groped every girl they've come across?

As for sloth, have you ever seen Teddy sit outside on the quad, in the shade of an umbrella which has been lovingly placed there for him? How long have you procrastinated, petting the bunny or chasing him around the quad? I submit that Teddy has been the cause of far more procrastination than the other PoVs? combined.

Admittedly, Teddy is not great with drinks, nor does he actually possess boobs. But apparently, neither of these qualities are necessary any more, and I trust Teddy's ability to attract the latter far better than any of the other nominees. Approximately 100% of females surveyed rated Teddy's cuteness higher than their current significant other's.

In conclusion: Pants, Xanda, Josh - compared to this bunny, none of you are fit to run in the slightest. Teddy awaits your concessions.

   -Ryan