WorstExaltedCampaignEver

An Exalted Campaign which ran from the summer of 2005 through fall semester of that year. It ended, and a planned sequel was never implemented. Yet.

• Note that Exalted is a Campaign setting by White Wolf, a world in which the Gods long ago made the Exalted (humans with godlike powers) to fight the Primordials for them. That war was won long ago, and now, thousands of earthshattering events later, it's pretty much a free-for-all.

The DM:

• AlejoEnriquez plays an overworked DM with a lot of very bad ideas for his party. Also known for mad improvisational skills, playing music from his laptop to set the mood, and imitating the voices of every NPC interacted with, from little old ladies to Evil Deathlords

The players:

• DebbieBerg plays Jenya Silverclaws, a Lunar character with a Robin Hood bent and a very, very large beastman form
• LittleTiffany plays Decieau Ludwig (pronouced "day-CHOO") a Solar and First Age scavenger who stole what turned out to be some really spiffy working wings
• ThePyro plays Tepet Crythis, a Dragon-Blooded Speardancer with a big hammer. He's for hire. BawMahNow
• BriannaLyonRoberts plays Kirash, a Fair Folk with a lot of weapons and a passion for fighting.

The other characters:

• Fred is a blacksmith's apprentice following Decieau around because they're both sort of on the lam
• Iselsi Ziriath is a former agent of the Realm and Wyld Hunt adjunct, and is now freelancing. He is the DM's requisite BadAss character
• Jurash, sometimes pronounced Jurashhhshs, is an intelligent Dragon King who has been sent west by his master, because apparently Creation is in mysterious yet mortal danger

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Prelude session 1:

• Jenya shows up at a meeting of Lunars shortly after her initiation and volunteers herself to go to an elder Lunar named Ma-Ha-Suchi and ask for his help on behalf of all the Lunars in the Southwest. She is then hired on an expedition to Rathess by the Guild, since Rathess is kinda close by MHS's place. She then beats up a bunch of hobgoblins
• Decieau and Fred leave their home city of The Lap, on account of being on the run from the guys D stole the wings from. They get hired onto a caravan heading for Rathess (yay employment!)
• Jenya and D happen to catch each others' eyes, but both players fail their rolls and nothing happens
• Jenya and D happen to catch each others' eyes during a random fight with Bandits and an echo of their essences from the First Age makes each of them somehow familiar to the other
  • Soundtrack: Many Meetings, FotR? OST
• D notices that Jenya's eyes are silver and glowing and wonders why he never noticed that before

Prelude session 2:

• Crythis wakes up after blowing all his money, then gets challenged to a duel in the streets
• I shot a Noble into the air, he fell to earth, I know not where
• Crythis then gets hired by Con Sheannery of the guild. The DM is lovin' those accents

The session continues:

• The caravan does a number of uninteresting things on the way to Rathess. Jenya and Crythis have a memorable boxing match (WHY AREN'T YOU UNCONSCIOUS???)
• The caravan reaches the port outside Rathess. Rumors of a badass Dragon-blooded merc being awesome are exaggerated. While walking towards Rathess, they are jumped by a lot of Beastmen.
  • Soundtrack: Berlin Foot Chase, The Bourne Supremacy OST
• MHS allows Jenya to speak her message and to spare her "kin", consisting of the rest of the party
• MHS sends no help but lets the party go do what it can
• The party is then joined by a gratuitous Dragon King

Session 3 (short):

• The party reaches Jades. Ziriath disappears, everyone gets worried and looks for him. Someone tips off the Realm that someone arrived in Jades. Ohs noes?
• Ziriath pretends to head south. The Wyld Hunt is totally fooled. Really. Really.
• The Party arrives at Varsi, and then is chased around by the Wyld Hunt. Mobs are formed, walls are jumped.
  • Soundtrack: Mona Lisa Overdrive, the Matrix Reloaded OST
• The party makes it to Puyo on cruddy horses, then battles a small detachment from the Wyld Hunt (a real monk, a starting monk, and some soldiers). No enemies ever actually attack, as they are all killed before they get a chance to do so. Jenya is slightly stompy.
  • Soundtrack: Final Battle, Van Hellsing OST; Burly Brawl, The Matrix Reloaded OST; Boss Theme, Final Fantasy 8 OST
• The party takes off again, this time with much better horses.

Session 4:

• The party takes a trip through the jungle and is attacked by a lot of zombies. Which they splatter.
• The party gets rich off the looted bodies of the Wyld Hunt guys.
• While in Kirighast, the party saves a Fair Folk from destruction and so forth out of the goodness of their hearts. They get lots of information. Then the Fair Folk gives them his pretty shiny glass blade of doom.
• The party runs into a Lunar elder while on the road. Apparently Gem is going to be under attack. Well, gee.
• The party then heads to Gem to defend it or whatever.
  • Soundtrack: Old Baghdad, The 13th Warrior OST

Sessions 5/6:

• The party hatches a crazy scheme to kidnap a Fair Folk travelling with the invading army. It involves flying poison cows (seriously). This doesn't go according to plan, as they catch two. They then interrogate them. One kills himself, the other they set free.
• The party helps with a raid on the army before it reaches the gates. Crythis spends just about ALL his essence. D lays unholy waste, then gets hit with an arrow (owie owie!). Jenya continues ripping things apart.

Session 7:

• The invasion has begun! Jenya stands in the front lines and kicks total ass.
  • Soundtrack: Ash and Smoke, RotK? OST
• D flies around the city and spots a few people of the undead persuasion (WTF OMFG)
• D brings in Crythis, who makes lots of fun of the undead people, who are clearly waiting for someone who hasn't shown up. Then we learn what happens when Crythis fights people who can actually use essence. He wins, for the small cost of 86% of his life.
• Jenya is called in to pose as one of the guys. When she gets bored and goes back, the army hasn't been doing too well without her. She tackles a Fair Folk and then kicks gigantic ass. The army starts chanting "Tiger! Tiger!" In a word, awesome.
• Crythis spends hours bedridden and under the influence of interesting drugs, then goes back out there to pose as an undead guy.
• They win! Gem is saved! The war is over! Yay!!!!!
• Jenya hangs out with Crythis, when the undead guy's undead little sister shows up, all confused. Apparently the Undead are in mass disarray and didn't show up when they were supposed to. And yes, the Fair Folk were definitely in league with the Death people. Goddamnit.
• Crythis and Jenya and Ziriath are in front of the gates of Gem burning corpses when.... the sun sets. O...M...G...
  • Soundtrack: The Black Pearl, Pirates of the Caribbean OST
• Turns out the land directly in front of the gates of Gem got turned into shadowlands, and being in there at night meant everyone went to the Underworld
• Initial reconnaisance results in Crythis triple botching a stealth roll. WAY TO GO.
• Tune in next time for "This Old Giant Fortress of Doom, with Bob Vila, Tepet Crythis, Jenya Silverclaws, Iselsi Ziriath, and a Really Really Really Angry Deathlord."

Session 8 (With Tiff gone, and his character conveniently not in the Shadowlands)

• Crythis, Jenya, and Z sneak into the castle. They run around for a bit, then sneak into the keep. They ruin the unlives of several ghosts thoroughly in the process
  • Nonsense, we just left a letter thanking a ghost for aiding the other side, and then slipped a sleeping (and drugged) ghost into the keep to see what would happen to him...
• Crythis claims to be a new Deathknight, River of Angsty Turnips, and obtains directions to the War Room from two terrified ghosts
• The War Room reveals a really f%#&ing angry Deathlord, the Deathknight who's getting chewed out, a rep of the Deathsong family, and a lot of really tired/scared ghosts. Where IS that army?
• The party sneaks down to the Deathlord's torture chamber with Jenya disguised as the Deathlord, and in a fit of inspiration, Crythis extracts an ungodly amount of information from the two Deathknights. I mean, a lot. And yet they still aren't sure what's going on.
• Despite the torture, the Deathknights realize Crythis is NOT on their side. Cue exit from the castle.
• The party then beats a hasty retreat to the Shadowlands, but they intend to come back for more.

Session 9

• Decieau goes to the Gem library, where he gets help on his Deathlord research from a scholar named Zilla.
• The next day, Decieau heads back to the library but decides he needs to take a quick detour when he notices the Wyld Hunt snooping around for him.
• Zilla sends Decieau to meet a friend of hers. Decieau gets Fred to move inns and conscripts Jurash to cover him.
• Zilla's friend looks a lot like Zilla. Her name is Sedanya, and she's a Sidereal. She takes the two of them to Yu-Shan to do research. Storyteller + Alcohol = No
• That evening, after getting back to Gem, Decieau gets his reward from Gem (The Tome of Elemental Power, Vol. 1), then runs into the Shadowlands to help his friends.

Session 10:

• Jenya, Crythis, and Ziriath camp in the hills for the night, then hear the FFL's voice again that evening. Jenya investigates, and discovers that Crythis is now Underworld Public Enemy Number 1. Hot DAMN.
• Decieau arrives in the Underworld, and is chased by a Ghostly Defender. Ziriath and Crythis fry it.
• The party returns to Creation in the morning, then goes to report in. Afterwards they do some fairly uninteresting things involving rewards and intelligence, and dodging the Wyld Hunt.
• The party heads out West to Jenya's cult, which throws a big party for the local Lunars. Jenya goes up a fair bit in the Lunar society. All is happy.

Session 11:

• The party heads south for a bit after resting up, then gets word from the Sorcerer of Gem that the Wyld Hunt has been deployed. The party immediately takes off into the jungle (that's right, the jungle.... well, it's more of a swamp). To avoid leaving tracks, Jenya turns into an eagle, Decieau activates his wings and carries Fred, Jurash goes normally, as he is a Dragon King, and Crythis carries Ziriath and jumps through the trees. Ziriath, of course, absolutely loves this mode of transportation [\sarcasm]. Crythis hurts his back and becomes overcome with exhaustion after botching his last Stamina+Endurance roll.
• Decieau scouts out the village on top of the only real landmark in the jungle (a big hill). Yay for having NO stealth whatsoever and botching a stealth roll. Decieau subsequently scares the unholy daylights out of the villagers with his big scary wings.
• Jenya pulls Decieau out of the village, only to return later with the entire party. They graciously accept the hospitality of the village.
• That night, Crythis awakes to hear an arrival. He eavesdrops on Ziriath and Hefaria (the sorceress lady person) as they chat amicably for probably the last time. And yeah, the Wyld Hunt is hot on their trail.
• The next day, the party does what it does best: CONFUSION! After making everyone believe they're going north and THEN making it seem like they were attacked, they travel south.
• Their next visit is not from the Wyld Hunt, but from a vampire-lady-person who is also a sorceress. She works for the Mask of Winters. Diplomacy ensues, Crythis is a badass. They have a live video conference with the Mask of Winters himself, and are informed as to the whereabouts of the Wyld Hunt (most of it went north, SUCKERS).
• The party lays a trap for the Wyld Hunt at the village. Fred sets up a Guava-ade stand at the north end of the village while everyone lies in wait. He sells normal Guava-ade to villagers nearby, and then adds potent poison to four cups he reserves specially for the Dragon-Blooded. Four Dragon-Blooded and some elite troopers march into view.
  • Soundtrack: The Drop, the Bourne Supremacy OST
• Sorceress and Water-Aspect Dragon-Blooded enjoy nice glasses of Guava-ade, while the other two are more suspicious. Their suspicions are confirmed when the sorceress, who drank the most, suddenly has an intense coughing fit.
• Surprise round: Jenya kills the Air-Aspect monk, Crythis smooshes the Sorcerer with his giant hammer. The party is rewarded for picking their targets well, as these were the Wyld Hunt's DPS component. The next few rounds are spent disposing of two very tanky Dragon-Blooded and ten elite soldiers. Jenya activates her Special Defensive move, killing half of the troopers in ONE ROUND, at the cost of only 42 essence.
  • Soundtrack: Fighting, Still more Fighting, Final Fantasy 7 OST; Boss Theme, Final Fantasy 8 OST
• The party is victorious. Jenya is a billowing pyre of silver light visible for many miles; Decieau is not much better off. Jurash set everything on fire, and Fred is still running.
  • Soundtrack: Victory Fanfare, Final Fantasy 7 OST

Session 12:

• The party continues south, stopping at villages to sow confusion and ask about Val. People sure are disappearing to the south.
• While on the way to the Morren Trading Post, the party is stopped by a bunch of barbarians. Jenya duels their leader singlehandedly and beats him, even though he turns out to be a Solar Martial Artist. This earns the respect of the barbarians, who then invite them to dinner. Later it turns out that the Solar remembers this Val guy, and no one else ever does.
• The party reaches the Morren Trading Post, then follows a trader guy south. Fred stays back to, uh, guard the trading post or something. When the trader disappears into the jungle, the party catches up and finds .... things. A guy named Jok'to and his pets. These pets are mostly dog-sized four-legged creatures with two extra bladed arms on their torso; and snakelike man-sized things with big claws on their arms. The slaves and the trader are completely out of it... maybe they're drugged? They're chained together and following Jok'to. There are also huge bat-winged thingies flying overhead.
• Decieau, Crythis, and Jenya have caught up (Jurash and Ziriath are slower), and they INSIST on following this guy, Jok'to, back to his brotherhood. Meanwhile, Jok'to claims that he didn't cause the drugged state of any of his captives, and that he only sought to 'liberate' the slaves and the trader by bringing them into his brotherhood. As they reach their destination, they see that this brotherhood consists in part of squishy buildings growing on purple goo.
  • That's right, the Zerg. THIS is why it's called the WorstExaltedCampaignEver. The Zerg are invading Creation.
• The three party members then come under psychic attack. Jenya SOMEHOW manages to break free, and she then throws Decieau over one shoulder, Crythis over the other, and runs for it. Yay for Beastman form and 9 strength.
• Jenya meets up with Jurash and Ziriath, and convinces them to run in the direction she's going, shouting something about purple buildings and mind control.
• The party is fleeing (all five under their own power, by now), but it's at least a day's journey to civilization and they're being pursued by flying things. They try hiding, and the flying bat things pass. Unfortunately, a big slow floating thing notices them and the flying things come back.
• Crythis and Jenya kill the thing, and the flying guys get all confused and go back. The party continues fleeing.
• The party takes a break at the Morren Trading post, and Decieau is contacted by Sedanya, who has been tracking him. She wants the party alive and not under the enemy control, and she has to now struggle through paperwork to get people to notice this new problem.
• The party travels north, skirting the Wyld Hunt, and finally comes back to Teeth and Talons. They report to him, and he offers to help fight.... whatever they are out there.

Session 13:

• The party is back, this time with more essence!
• Their arrival at the Morren Trading Post is punctuated by an attack from the Wyld Hunt. Crythis one-shots the sorceress and all her demons start rampaging.
  • Soundtrack: Nach Deutchland, The Bourse Supremacy OST; Moscow Windup, The Bourne Supremacy OST; Reload, Rob Zombie
• Decieau noticed two women walking south, one looking very passive and dragon-blooded, but in the chaos he can't get to that yet.
• Barbarians are wrecking the town trying to save their champion. Jenya tries to put a stop to this.
• Decieau is attacked by someone with a good bit of magitech. Someone who is also really good at hiding. Decieau takes virtually no damage from her attacks for only, like, 20 essence.
• Crythis heads south following the two women, grabs the one who is at a disadvantage, and runs.
• A weird Zerg-person with wings and blades chases him, but gets shot by... someone?
• Enter Kirash, a Fair Folk with a passion for killing Zerg.
• The party saves Bonebreaker, then Decieau tracks the agent to the river, where Ziriath chased her before she got away on a boat.

Session 14

• The party heads south, crushing Zerg outposts along the way
• At one outpost, 50 Zerglings rush the party and die in 1.5 rounds
• The party finds a lot of Zerg workers, and murders them. Following them south, they find a much bigger Zerg encampment
• To be continued??

Session 15

• The party runs up and starts killing things. Defenders appear in large numbers. Hmmm, hydralisks can present serious problems. So can Lurkers
  • Soundtrack: Praise Your Fears, Wumpscut; Unreal Tournament Soundtrack
• Decieau goes completely dry on essence and books it. Jenya becomes a silver bonfire but doesn't quite run out. Things fail to kill her as she tears into the big brain building. The brain building goes down but the Zerg are still up.
• Crythis takes down a Zerg Exalt, then starts a huge lightning storm (finally using his Elemental Lens in the process).
• Kirash shoots down a guy taking aim at Crythis but later thinks she notices him getting away. Darn.
• Jenya gets hit in the back with something small that stings just a bit.
• After starting a second storm, destruction is pretty much absolute. The party beats it (after taking down more flying Zerg)
• The Zerg then continue to hound the party for a long time, EVEN AFTER they use Decieau's Untrackable charm
• After a suicide explosion, then a mass concerted attack (which is busted by another storm), the party begins to suspect stuff, and they all spend the night apart
• Hydralisks come for Jenya in the night. Now we know who's being followed
• Jenya is kept in housecat-form in a bag so the Zerg can't see what she sees, and the party heads south and finds a big Zerg army. A small portion of which chases Jenya, so they don't locate her based on what she sees. Crythis and Kirash take steps and the Zerg Exalted in charge gets double-one-shotted.
• Now that the cat's out of the bag, the party performs experiments on Jenya, with such memorable procedures as poisoning her, cutting her up, adding leeches, shocking her, and finally adding hallucinogens to the bag with the her in it.
• Jenya gets a vision of the Zerg wiping the party out. The party prudently books it towards the mountains
• Crythis and Kirash feel a tugging once in the mountains, and head for a cool-looking cave. Inside, Crythis finds nothing, but Kirash finds a door. (What? Illusions don't work on Fair Folk what?)
• Next Session: Behind the Door

Session 15

• The party finds a weird ghosty woman behind the door. She has a few answers (she reveals what happened to Val and why the Zerg can follow Jenya) and promises more if she is freed. Freeing her involves breaking something shiny.
• The party heads south down the mountains. Kirash spots a door in a rockface, behind another Zerg encampment.
• The Zerg outpost is eradicated. Decieau has to scramble to not die, then obliterates, like, everything. Go us.
  • Actually, Decieau gets down to a -2 health penalty, at which point Jenya rolls her essence to realize her boyfriend's in trouble. With three successes, she turns into an eagle, flies towards him as fast as possible, flies slightly above him and in front of him, goes into beastman form, and falls through the air-- shielding him from an arrow in the process. Falling damage is only bashing, anyway...
• The door has a fun control panel thing that rejects Kirash (red), Jenya (silver), and Crythis (light blue). Then it lets Decieau through.
• Down a hallways is a stone statue of a warrior angel person who rejects Jenya ("Your husband should not have sent you on some errand. Tell him to come himself"), then allows Decieau through ("Welcome my lord, make yourself at home"). The door opens for him, then closes on Crythis. The statue then rejects Crythis ("Go back to your barracks, soldier, you are not wanted in the home of your masters"). Then it tries to kill Kirash.
• Fact #1: First Age Artifacts have astounding soak. Fact #2: Crythis does a LOT of damage.
• Decieau picks up a glowing wand thing. It must be SmashieSmashieShmc'd!!!
• The Mistress Robed in Midnight shows up in a hurry and asks for the wand, since it absolutely must not be destroyed. People don't like this idea.
  • Your reputation with the Mask of Winters has decreased
• The party heads back to Gem to get answers. Once there, they find that Gem's new task force in charge of devising strategy against the Zerg is in fact made up of Zerg Exalted. Who try to beat Crythis into unconsciousness. Crythis does the only thing he can, which is to cause a gigantic wind/lightning storm which wrecks the building, and in the process defeats the bigger of the Exalted.
• Decieau follows the trail of the other Exalted down into the mines. She's taking a tunnel south. The party takes her out.
• The party goes to the hospital to try and fix Jenya's parasite problem. That's a negative.
• Decieau and Jenya head out to the swamps and ask Teeth and Talons about stuff, then go to Delia Maskface to try and get her cured. It might have worked?
• Kirash and Crythis spend some time sealing up the tunnel underneath Gem, and some time getting drunk.

Session 16

• The party, now in Gem, does some investigating
  • Apparently, the Wyld Hunt is camped out in Gem's basement
  • The city is working towards a probable Zerg invasion
  • Kirash meets with the Wyld Hunt and tells them the Zerg are a real threat. Peleps Jorapa, the woman who tried to kill Decieau before, gets sent out to investigate
  • Gem cut a deal to keep the Wyld Hunt in Gem, under cover
• That night, a dream wakes Decieau up. He overhears a conversation between the MRM and a Deathsong sibling outside the safe house's door.
• After the MRM reveals that the party is the one the FFL wants, the Deathsong guy leaves. The MRM is then startled to hear knocking on the safehouse's door.
• The party invites her in and serves her some tea. After some discussion (and brandishing of Kirash's fake wand), the MRM reveals that the ghosty woman could possibly pose a threat to the balance of power in the South, and the artifact itself is only of mild academic interest to the MoW?.
• She's in mental communication with the others! Dart her!
  • Thump.
• A ninja breaks the door down (Keyless Entry!) and steps into the pit trap Crythis had built. His elite bodyguards are then smashed.
• The party tries to have a conversation with him, to no avail. Crythis then clubs him.
• What's that noise? Oh, it's the Wyld Hunt, out to get us again.
• The party ditches the MRM in a dumpster and the ninja in the path of the Wyld Hunt. They then flee to rabblerouse.

Session 17

• So, Crythis had a "dream" from the ghosty woman, where she proposes a solution.
• The party grabs the MRM back and takes her down to seal a deal, then they release the woman.
• Ta da! Now we can do things again. And that was a lot of answered questions
• Things happen, the Underworld is visited, and Crythis is now at the head (almost literally) of one of the FFL's armies. It's burly.
• The party minus Crythis dashes back to Gem, with little time to spare. The Zerg are on their way to Gem, with the intention of WTFPWNing it.

Session 18

• So the Zerg have to be slowed down by five days. The party sends Jurash and MHS's Beastmen guerilla army at the front lines while Kirash Jenya and Decieau try to kill Cerebrates.
• One Cerebrate down, some effort.
• Note the Zerg have started fighting each other.
• Skip the second, hit the two Cerebrates at the third base, no effort at all. Except one tries to mind-control Jenya as a last resort.
• Sleep a night, try for the last Cerebrate. Who is encased in SO MUCH ZERG. The party manages to not die somehow, and even takes out the Cerebrate. Crazy.

Session 19, the War Session

• The plans are drawn out. Much inventation by Adam. Don't forget to not ruin Gem!
• Things go relatively according to plan. First, the rampaging Zerg are encircled and slaughtered. Then the real Zerg army is pushed due East to avoid the bulk of the booby traps, which is where the combined armies plan to engage. The major threat is when the Cavalry charge cutting the army off runs into heavy resistance from Mobile Zerg opposition led by Merelisks. Fortunately, Jenya is on hand to lay waste.
• The final stage of the Battle for Gem #2 goes off without a hitch. Targetting the Guardians first is a good idea, as they wreck shit.
• Next session: Aftermath! Possibly in the literal sense

Session 20: The Final Session!

• Kirash leaves to go back to the Raksha. Crythis, with advice from the MRM, sends the remnants of his undead army south into the Zerg while preparing to release it and capture a second army she believes is on its way.
• Oh, it was on its way, all right. Right into Gem. The KGB and elite etc have arrived. Crythis, Jenya, and Decieau hurry back to find Gem's Sheriff, Wyatt Waynewood, in a gunduel with them all. He's, uh, a Solar. And he's out of essence
• Epic battle with the Abyssal. Hardcore. He ain't easy, that's for sure
• After he is defeated, Crythis manages to capture the army that came after him. And walks back into the Underworld with it
• Crythis has this army destroy itself and then snags ANOTHER army for his own control.
• The order is given, and Gem is abandoned. The Realm arrives to help clean up.
• Gem is completely obliterated, since otherwise The FFL could probably use it. Crythis makes off with a large undead army
• Much smashing of Zerg ensues. Eventually the Overmind is reached. A Fair Folk army hired by Kirash helps
• Climatic rish to destroy the Overmind, which succeeds. Kerrigan is caught and de-minded.
• Yushida says it wasn't actually Kerrigan. Should have known. The heroes walk into the sunset, on a crusade to finish what was started.

Oh yeah.

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