---------------------
   In Cocoa Veritas
~ A Moment of Haven ~
---------------------
	I admit it.  I jumped at the chance to get out of the house for 
just a little while.  Okay, that's not really admitting anything.  If I 
were really going to admit something, it would be that I jumped at the 
chance to get away from Heero for just a little while.

	The situation was just driving me mad.  Sitting around and 
stewing in it didn't make it any better.  And it didn't help that I was 
probably the one most responsible for it.  I didn't want to be... I 
wasn't even angry with him, per se.  Not angry the way I knew I could 
be.  I was just... there was just... something *wrong* between us.  It 
wasn't spitting mad; it was just tired and sad and... and hurt.  I was 
hurt, and it was the most ridiculous thing in the world when all Heero 
was trying to do was make it better.

	It hurt to see him trying so hard to do right when neither of us 
even knew what 'right' was.  It hurt to know that I was the one that was 
putting that expression on his face.  And it really hurt when I walked 
into the church, ready to leave, and Father MacKenzie looked at me in 
surprise, wondering where Heero was.  When I had agreed to help him out 
in the city, Father Mac had naturally assumed that I'd been volunteering 
for the both of us.  Can't say I blamed him, I guess.

	"Uh... He's... sitting this one out.  Got some other stuff to 
do.  You know."

	He shot me a funny look, but let it drop.  I had to learn how to 
say stuff like that with a little more assertiveness.

	Father Mac's job in the city was to bring a bunch of stuff he'd 
gathered around town for donations.  I was going along because they'd 
mentioned they had some stuff that was broken that I could probably fix 
pretty easily.  If I really had to rationalize to myself, I could have 
said that they really didn't have that much stuff, so the job didn't 
require both me and Heero... but that would have just been rationalizing 
to myself.  I tried not to do that too often.

	The job was good and mindless.  I got to not think about some 
things too much.  It was great being there just helping out and 
tinkering with things and maybe making a difference in someone's life in 
at least some tiny way.  The only times I got stuck remembering about 
all the crap going on in my life at the time was when those goddamn 
shakes came back.  There ain't nothing that makes me feel like a junkie 
like sitting there knowing my hands are trembling, that I've broken out 
into a cold sweat that doesn't have anything to do with working too 
hard, and trying to hide it from the sweet ladies working at the center.  
At least they weren't church ladies.

	It'd been about a week now since we got back home from our 
little 'misadventure'.  I was clean, dammit, and I didn't even need 
Heero to tell it to me again, but sometimes... sometimes I still had my 
moments.  The dust was damnably persistent.  I was glad we got it before 
it got out into the market.  I just wish we'd gotten it before it got 
into me.

	The trip back from the city was uneventful, but once we got 
back, I didn't find myself very excited about going back home.  I sort 
of lingered around the church, helping Father Mac clean up a bit now 
that all the stuff was gone.  It was a double-edged sword, I guess, 
since not talking to Heero meant having to talk to Father Mac.  It 
probably wasn't very hard for him to figure out I was moping a bit.

	He started off cautiously.  "So, Duo... Muchi mentioned you were 
sick last week?"

	I tensed, then realized he was talking about my cover story.  I 
hadn't felt much like putting up with the concern of our 
well-intentioned neighbor, so Heero had fended her off with a few 
excuses regarding my health.  While I ended up the recipient of some 
get-well food, at least she left me alone.  Next time I saw her, though, 
no doubt I'd get some clucking about my old assertions that I never got 
sick.  I'd cross that bridge when I got to it.  "Uh, yeah.  Picked up 
something in the city."

	"You're looking recovered.  She told me about that time Heero 
got sick.  She couldn't decide whether or not he'd been a gracious 
patient."

	I chuckled for my punchline.  "He's gracious when he's doing 
something he wants to be doing.  Stubborn as an ass, otherwise."  I 
couldn't help the sigh that followed that.  'Stubborn' pretty much 
summed up the both of us.  So did 'ass'.

	"Sometimes you have to be stubborn about things," Father Mac 
intoned, fetching a broom from where it leaned up against the wall of 
the storage room.

	"You don't have to be stubborn about things when people are just 
trying to help you."  I was sure there was a healthy dose of irony in 
that statement, if I would just let myself see it.

	"More important than stubbornness is the question of whether 
it's pride that is getting in the way of your accepting help, or 
something else."

	I frowned.  "I can do without the seven deadly sins lecture."  
It took me a moment to realize how annoyed I had sounded.  Criticism hit 
me hard when I was moody and sensitive, even when I wasn't being 
criticized.  "...Sorry.  You know, all things considered, I think I've 
been doing pretty good with the sins thing, 'cept maybe wrath... maybe a 
little envy.  Nah, it's the commandments that give me trouble..."

	Rambling was also a bad habit when I got into this sort of 
state.  I promptly shut my mouth and went for the second broom and 
dustpan.  The storage room would be the cleanest it'd ever been once I 
was done with it.  I set to with an unhealthy gusto, stabbing my broom 
into every last crack and crevice the room had to offer, determined to 
get the dust out.

	Maybe my concentration was elsewhere.  It took me a little while 
to notice that Father Mac had been standing there, leaning on his 
broomstick for a coupla minutes, watching me chase after dust bunnies 
that weren't really there.  He had a concerned, amused little smile on 
his face.  "Having fun, Duo?"

	I used the dustpan self-consciously, going through the motions 
of sweeping in the dust.  It seemed better than admitting that there had 
actually been nothing there.  "You know," I answered, shrugging 
uncomfortably.  "Just, uh..."  Dammit, why could I never come up with 
anything good for him?

	"Venting?" he suggested casually.

	I shrugged again, as if that could possibly throw him off the 
scent.  Even out of his clericals, he still reminded me of a priest, and 
lord knew I had problems dealing with priests.

	"Anything in particular?"

	My automatic response was a sharp 'no', but I reined it in and 
choked on it.  Especially since there were some other things deep inside 
of me that were screaming 'yes'.  My subsequent strangled silence was 
probably rather telling.  I shrugged again and put an excess of 
attention into bringing my dust pan over to the can to be dumped.

	Father MacKenzie sighed, and it hit me as a disappointed sound.  
He probably wanted to say that I could talk to him about anything if I 
wanted to, but he didn't want to pressure me.  That was a good idea, but 
he lucked out: funny thing about me and priests.  Couldn't stand letting 
them down.

	Still facing the wall above the trash can, I let my arms drop to 
my side, shoulders slumping with the action.  "Mind if I chill here for 
a bit?" I asked softly.  "Don't really feel like goin' home, yet."

	The evening was wearing on.  We'd spent all day in the city, and 
then been treated to dinner by the folks at the center.  If I really 
wanted to think too hard about it, I'd probably figure out that Heero 
was probably doing the dishes right around now.  There wouldn't be that 
many of them.  There never were.  Didn't stop us from doing them 
together, normally.  At least, before I ran face-first into a bag of 
dope.

	"Of course, Duo," MacKenzie answered, removing the broom from my 
hand.  The dustpan followed shortly.  "Why don't we go on inside?"

	We ended up in the kitchen.  Wasn't really much of a homey sort 
of place, but it was definitely better than hanging out with the pews 
and the altars.  "Care for some cocoa?" he asked.

	I was pretty far gone when even such a simple question hurt.  
"Sure, if it's not too much trouble," I said with a strained smile, 
trying not to think of Heero offering me the same, or drinking it 
himself.  God, this was stupid.

	Completely unable to listen to the normally comforting sounds of 
pots and canisters and spoons, I was compelled to babble something aloud 
to cower behind.  "So, today was pretty cool.  Do that often?  I guess 
you probably couldn't collect that much stuff from around here to bring 
over there, but the whole helping out thing could probably be regular or 
something.  Then again, I guess that's your thing, you being who you are 
and all, so maybe it's stupid of me even to ask.  But it was fun helping 
out and stuff, you know?  Maybe I could try it again some time?"

	I hadn't rambled like that in ages, but Father Mac calmly smiled 
through my mortification as he poured milk into his pot.  "Of course, 
Duo.  You're always welcome to join me, or even drop by on your own.  
I'm sure they'd love to see you there again.  You were quite the 
charmer."

	Heat rose to my cheeks against my will.  "Well, you know, 
doesn't take too much, sometimes.  Just a cute guy and a smile'll make 
her day, maybe.  Hardly nothing to do with me."

	He laughed at my discomfort.  "Don't underestimate yourself, 
Duo, or the ladies there."  He shut the milk carton and put it back in 
the refrigerator.  "They know the real thing when they see it."

	The flush grew more intense, and I willed it to go away as I 
subjected the kitchen's tabletop to a harsh scrutiny.  Maybe this hadn't 
been such a good idea, after all.  I scrubbed at my face with a hand.  
"Sorry.  Just... been a bad week, I guess."  More than just one, 
actually.

	"Something to do with your business in the city?"

	"Yeah."  I sighed.  Might as well come out with the truth.  At 
the rate I was going, it would actually be more embarrassing not to.  
"You know when I was sick last week... I actually... it was a drug bust, 
see?  What we were doing in the city.  We were there for work.  And... I 
had a little accident."

	"Oh?"  He didn't pour too much concern into the word.  Obviously 
I was fine now.  Physically, anyway.  Even if I hadn't been, I didn't 
like people falling all over themselves with concern, anyway.  Most of 
the time it was fake, some of the time it was much ado about nothing, 
and the rest of the time I just didn't like having to deal with that 
sort of crap.

	"Yeah... I kinda got... exposed."

	Since I was reluctant to be more specific, he was forced to ask.  
"To...?  The drugs?"

	I couldn't stop myself from wincing, even though I knew that it 
was coming.  At least his back was to me as he stirred the milk.  That 
made things easier.  "Yeah.  It... was stupid.  Anyway.  So I'm in the 
hospital, and it was kinda bad, enough so that Heero was making the 
decisions while I was out... And... he..."  I trailed off, thinking of 
all the ways I could finish that sentence, all the ways that just didn't 
sound right, all the ways that weren't the truth, even though they felt 
like it.

	I ran a contemplative hand through my bangs, then just gave up 
and rested my head in my hands, elbows on the table, staring 
industriously at the tabletop between them.  "I hate drugs.  Well, duh, 
I guess, but I mean... I hate 'em with a passion.  I saw so goddamn many 
people's lives just go straight down the tubes because of them... but I 
was better than that.  I stayed far away from the stuff.  Not even once.  
And where I'm from, that's quite an accomplishment, ya know?"  I drew a 
shaky breath, and suddenly my voice was getting louder.  "And then one 
day... one day, I get dosed with that crap, and suddenly Heero's 
deciding to let 'em keep on dosing me, even though he knows damn well 
how much I hate it!"

	The silence would have been complete if it hadn't been for the 
sound of the wooden spoon placidly scraping along the bottom of the pot.  
Father MacKenzie let it be for a moment before asking his careful 
question.  "And why would he do a thing like that?"

	That... completely and utterly defeated me.  My arms folded down 
to the table, and I let my head fall down to rest my forehead on top.  
My little hidey-hole sheltered me for only half a minute before the 
words were forced out.  "I know damn well why he did it.  He did it 
because... because he was worried, and because he had to make a choice, 
and because he probably expected me to be reasonable about this whole 
thing, and... and, dammit, it's not his fault I'm not!"

	Right after that had a chance to sink in, Father Mac pulled 
another one on me.  "Who are you angry at, Duo?  Heero?  Or yourself?"

	I summoned the courage to look up at him through the veil of my 
bangs.  He was just leaving the stovetop to fetch some mugs.  I didn't 
raise my head any further, but I at least turned and rested the side of 
my head against the pillow of my arms so I wasn't talking to the table 
anymore.  "No big mystery there," I sighed.  "Been mad at... pretty much 
everything this last week or two... 'cept Heero.  I mean, maybe I've 
been a little... short-tempered with him... but only 'cuz I know it's me 
that put us in this mess.  It'd be too easy to blame him.  And I've 
never liked the easy way of things."

	Easy to blame him... and hard.  Really goddamn difficult when he 
looked at me the way he did.  Damn near impossible to hang on to anger 
when the first night we were back in the house, he did the laundry, and 
managed to present me with pajamas fresh from the dryer right before I 
showered because he knows how much I like that.  And if that wasn't 
enough, all the anger just fizzled and died when he damn near tucked me 
into bed that night, looking at me with that... that Look he's been 
sporting all week.  Couldn't do nothing but sigh and pull back the 
covers in invitation.  First time we've ever deliberately gone to sleep 
in the same bed since our relationship changed, and he curled up behind 
me and held on like he was afraid of losing me.  Like he had to get this 
one last bit from me just in case he never got the opportunity to do so 
again.

	I'd thought, when I let him in, that I could be mad at him 
tomorrow.  That I'd give him just the one night to carry with him, 
something to hold him 'til things were right between us again.  That it 
would prove that I still... cared, even if I was mad.

	I barely slept at all that night.  All I could think of was how 
I had reduced him to *that*.  I tried to be bitter about how he was 
putting me in that position, making me feel guilty, but there's 
something about being with Heero that's always made me be honest with 
myself and with him.  I was the one causing all the pain, and I had to 
deal with that responsibility.

	Another deep sigh escaped me.  This sucked.

	A mug of steaming hot cocoa was put down on the table next to my 
head, and I only became aware of that sweet, comforting smell after the 
fact.  I muttered some thanks and forced myself to lift my head from the 
table and assume some pose that didn't look quite so dejected.

	Father Mac sat down at the table across from me, a mug of cocoa 
in his own hands.  "You seem to have a pretty good handle on the 
situation, Duo.  Where's the problem?"

	I reached out for my mug to stall, wrapping my fingers around 
the hot ceramic and enjoying the way it tried to scorch my skin.  Then 
it soaked in just how lame and inadequate a penance that was, and I 
shifted my grip to something a little more natural and relaxed.  Blowing 
across the surface of the cocoa was really just a mask for another sigh.  
"I know what's happening... I just don't know *why*.  I have no clue why 
I insist on feeling this way."

	"What way?" he prompted.

	"Like..."  All sorts of things flashed through me in a big, 
messy jumble, and I couldn't put a name to all of it.  "I get it, okay?  
I get why Heero did what he did, and just because I don't agree with 
that is no reason to get mad, right?  But, dammit, Heero's my partner, 
my next of kin, even... He was supposed to watch my back while I was 
out."

	"And he dropped the ball?

	"No!  Yes!  ...I don't know!  I mean, he didn't, but I feel like 
he did, and it's driving me crazy.  I know he was looking out for me, 
but for whatever reason, I can't stop being upset with him, and I 
really, really want to stop.  God, I don't even know why I'm so upset to 
begin with.  All I know is... Heero doesn't deserve this.  He keeps 
forgiving me for being pissy with him.  He keeps forgiving me and 
apologizing with the tiniest little things he does... and I feel like it 
should be the other way around, only... I just can't."  I hung my head 
in shame.

	Father Mac pursed his lips contemplatively.  At length, he spoke 
with a completely deadpan expression.  "Heero would make one hell of a 
Catholic, wouldn't he?"

	My head jerked up as I let out a surprised laugh.  "Ugh, he does 
guilt well enough, without having to add Catholic guilt to the mess, 
thank you very much."

	He shrugged dismissively, just glad to have gotten a reaction 
out of me, I think.  "So he dropped the ball?"

	Brought back to that question I hadn't been able to answer, I 
stared into my cocoa like it could hold the answers for me.  "Given the 
situation... he made a perfectly good decision."  I knew that.  After 
dragging my head out of the drug haze and the emotional imbalance and 
all the rest of it, I could think objectively about it and realize that 
I shouldn't be angry with him about that.  The decision was sound.  "And 
I know I'm not just upset about this whole stupid situation.  Yeah, I'm 
pissed this happened... but it's not his fault I got careless."

	"Is it your fault?"

	"Huh?"  His question startled me out of my introspection.

	"Were you careless?"

	"I--"  No, I'd never thought so before.  It was sort of dumb 
luck that Harris deflected the brick right at me.  Maybe I should have 
been able to dodge it... but it wasn't like I'd been expecting it.  My 
concentration had been on the bad guy, on dodging the bag he had lobbed 
at me.  Maybe Harris should have known better, but hadn't I told Heero 
it wasn't his fault?  That it wasn't anyone's fault?  Of course, that 
was before I found out what was in the IV.  Didn't change things, 
though.

	"I don't think it's my fault.  I wasn't careless.  But... maybe 
I don't quite believe that as much as I could," I conceded slowly, 
acknowledging what my words may have unconsciously said.  "My mind has 
been known to play tricks on me."

	"Could that be what's bothering you, then?"

	He was good, I gave him that much while I pondered the matter 
over hot chocolate.  Was it because I blamed myself for what happened?  
My one saving grace in this whole stupid affair was always that I hadn't 
chosen to get high.  Was there something in me that didn't believe it?  
I shuddered thinking that I may have played some part in getting myself 
into such a situation, but the feelings that swept through me at the 
thought of the idea made me challenge its validity.  That was a 
self-revulsion of sorts, while what I was currently embroiled in was 
something else, something hurt and vulnerable and defeated.

	I shook my head emphatically.  "That's not it."  He wanted to 
ask me about what motivated my definitive statement, but I cut him off, 
repeating my words.  "It's not."

	He let it be.  The absolute certainty in my tone would have to 
confirm it for him instead.  "So if you don't blame Heero, and you don't 
blame yourself, and you're not unhappy about the situation in general... 
what's left?"

	I didn't come to him for definite answers, but it would have 
been nice to have them handed to me on a silver platter.  Then again, 
for that to happen, I'd probably have to tell him a lot more than I 
wanted him to know.  I sighed into my hot chocolate again, as an 
afterthought realizing that I'd barely drank any.  Not one to waste, I 
took a sip.

	What was left?  I poked half-heartedly at the mess in my mind, 
trying to get an answer out of it.  It was less than cooperative.  Fine, 
then.  We'd be a Heero about things, and try to think things through 
logically.  I didn't feel like blame was a part of the equation anymore.  
If it was, I'd feel angry at someone.  Being hurt... came from some sort 
of personal betrayal.  I cringed at the realization.  I thought I had 
absolved Heero of any guilt.

	I knew I was taking out some of my frustration on him, though 
more so at the hospital than I was now.  Now... "I feel like... like he 
should have known better."  I murmured it, reluctant to let the words 
hit the air.  Words made things unpleasantly real.  "Like... even if he 
made a completely reasonable decision... he should have known I was 
going to flip out.  He should have... Why didn't he--?"  The rest of my 
question caught in my throat.  I took a swallow of my hot chocolate, 
forcing it down past the lump.

	Father Mac played with his own mug as he watched me out of the 
corners of his eyes, judging his words carefully.  "You have 
expectations, Duo.  That's normal.  And if sometimes... reality doesn't 
fulfill those expectations..."

	"But it has!" I blurted out, my eyes rising to fix wildly on 
him.  I needed this to be true.  "This... this has been more than I ever 
thought it'd be!  It's just..."  I had no idea how to finish that 
sentence, but I knew with a surety beyond doubt that being with Heero 
was... more than I'd ever thought I would have.

	Expectations... What had I expected out of this relationship?  I 
thought I'd gone in without any.  Harder to disappoint that way.  I 
suppose if I had any, it was that Heero would stay... Heero.  And true 
to his word, he had.

	It wasn't Heero.  Maybe it was just... everything else.  I 
sighed.  "This whole 'relationship' business sucks."

	"And what were you expecting out of it?"

	He halted me mid-sip.  "Out of what?"

	"This whole 'relationship business'?  I have no doubt that Heero 
has managed to fulfill all of your expectations, and maybe then some, 
but what about the relationship?  The love and romance part of things.  
Was it everything you thought it would be?"

	"I ain't some chick, ya know," I said sharply, my instant 
annoyance clear in the way my diction went down the drain.  "I wasn't 
expecting no flowers and pink candy hearts."

	He moved his hand in a conciliatory gesture.  "Now, I never said 
that, Duo.  But maybe you did expect Heero to be able to read your 
mind?"

	Well, I'd already said as much, hadn't I?  Couldn't deny it now.  
"I've never expected him to before," I mused aloud.  "Do I expect him to 
now?  Just because we're... 'involved'?  Does that have to do with the 
'love and romance' part of things?  ...Isn't that kinda... lame?"

	Father Mac chuckled.  "The mind plays tricks on us sometimes.  
You may not have been expecting flowers and candy, but..."  He trailed 
off to let me fill in the blanks.

	But... had I expected something shiny and perfect?  I knew 
better than that... didn't I?  Just because Heero hadn't known something 
I shouldn't have expected him to know, didn't mean that...  Shit.

	"Thanks, Father," I said abruptly, standing up from my seat.  
"You've been a big help."

	"Any time, Duo," he answered amiably, no doubt having no idea 
what was going through my mind.

	I was just turning to go when I remembered the mug in my hands.  
I chugged it all before I left.  I didn't believe in wasting good hot 
chocolate.



------
you know, lately in this series, i keep harping about how evil drugs 
are, but i don't mean to sound like some anti-drug evangelist or 
anything.  not that i would sanction the use of drugs... i just don't 
want anyone thinking that this little misadventure is the result of some 
personal agenda that i'm trying to advance.



_________________________________________
This piece of fiction is the intellectual 
property of the little turnip that could.  
The basis for this fic, i.e. Gundam Wing, 
Kyuuketsuki Miyu, et al., is the property 
of someone else.  The author can be con-
tacted at jchew@myrealbox.com.  This has 
been an entirely automated message.
http://www.cs.hmc.edu/~jchew/misc/gw.html

last modified : 8/14/2004 01:31:50 PST