---------------------
 Behind Closed Doors
~ A Moment of Haven ~
---------------------
	The door slammed shut behind them.  Duo blinked at it for a 
moment in surprise before realizing that he had just heard the sound of 
it being locked.  "What the--?"  He strode back across the room and 
tried turning the doorknob anyway.  "Suzuhara-san!  What the hell do you 
think you're doing?!" he yelled through the wood, pounding on it for 
good measure, as if that could convince her that it would be a good idea 
for her to let them out.

	"Giving you two the opportunity to talk things out by 
yourselves," came the unperturbed answer.

	"Don't you think it's a little unnecessary to lock us in a room 
together?!"  He gave the doorknob another violent shake before he was 
convinced that it was good and locked for the moment.  He turned around 
to find Heero looking his way with an expression he'd been wearing all 
night -- that of mild bemusement.  Duo stalked in his direction.  "Can 
you believe this?  Of all the crazy--  How can you be so calm about 
this?"

	"This is hardly the end of the world, Duo."  Heero calmly leaned 
himself on the edge of the dresser to wait for the end of Duo's minor 
tantrum.

	"Not yet, maybe, but we're talking about the end of the world as 
we know it.  We're not talking about how far back we should trim Henry's 
branches, we're talking-- what she's proposing is insane!"  He whirled 
at the sound of the door opening, but was unable to take advantage of 
the situation when he was forced to reflexively catch something that 
came sailing through the air at him, and the door was slammed shut again 
before he knew it.

	"You'll need this," Suzuhara-san's voice came drifting after.

	"Huh?"  Duo looked down to see what he had caught.  "What the 
hell is--"  He flipped the tube over to read its label.  "Aaugh!" he 
yelped, frantically tossing the thing away from him.  "What do you 
expect us to do with this!?" he yelled at the door.

	Heero caught the object mid-flight and examined it.  "Hn."  He'd 
never seen a tube of lubrication before.  At least, not one of this 
sort.  He set it down on the surface beside him.

	The sound of Ms. Suzuhara's voice came through the door once 
more.  "You're both smart boys.  I'm sure you'll figure it out.  Now, I 
don't want to see you two outside of this room tomorrow unless you've 
got great big grins on your faces, you hear me?"

	Duo's mouth gaped open in stunned silence before he gathered his 
wits and snapped his jaw shut.  "Why is she carrying around-- Forget it.  
I don't wanna know."

	He threw his hands up and began pacing the room, reminding Heero 
of a restless tiger prowling his cage.  Duo never did well in captivity, 
not in any small, enclosed spaces that he had little choice but to be 
in.  "We're not trapped in here, you know."

	"Yes, we are.  We've been locked in here--  Locks!  Lockpicks!"  
He stopped in his tracks.  "You know, this is all your fault.  You're 
the one who installed that lock out there."

	"And you've had how long to reverse it now?"

	"Not the point."  He hustled on over to the dresser, where his 
equipment was stored.  He hadn't planned on being in any situation that 
required their use today, so he wasn't as prepared as he could have 
been.  "Out of my way."

	Heero didn't move from his position blocking the drawers.  "You 
can't just pick the lock, Duo."

	"Watch me."

	"They're still standing right outside, talking.  We can't just 
walk out the door."

	Duo glared at him for being right before crying out loudly in 
frustration again and resuming his pacing.  "I can't believe this," he 
muttered to himself.  "She's crazy.  I can't believe she would lock us 
in a room together, with a tube of lube, I might add, and expect us to 
have sex!  And I can't believe she and Relena have been in cahoots since 
Lena visited, probably.  I can't believe I didn't see this before.  You 
finally work the paranoia out of your system and bam! another conspiracy 
pops up, right beneath your nose.  I can't believe they think this.  
What are they thinking?  Are they thinking?"

	"Duo."

	"What?" he almost snapped irritably.

	Heero had moved from the dresser and was gazing out the window 
in Duo's room that overlooked their small backyard and the mild slope 
beyond it leading down to the shallow valley behind their home.  "What 
do you say to some fresh air?"  He unlatched the window, slid it open, 
and stuck his head outside.

	"Fresh air?  You're thinking about fresh air at a time like 
this?"  Well, okay, maybe it did sound like a good idea -- the walls of 
the room were starting to close in on him already -- but how dare Heero 
be coming up with good ideas right around now?

	Heero pulled his head back inside and cast a glance over his 
shoulder.  "We can't just walk out the door, after all."

	Duo blinked, and he caught on.  "Oh.  Of course.  Yeah, some 
fresh air sounds great right around now."  He paused only briefly as he 
realized that Heero knew exactly what he needed, but he shook his head 
to clear it and chalked it up to the stuffiness of the room getting to 
him.  He wasn't claustrophobic, per se, but he did hate being stuffed 
into close quarters and out of control.  He joined Heero by the window 
and watched as the other teen climbed out the window and onto the small 
rooftop that formed the top of their back porch, which was conveniently 
right underneath Duo's room.  Not that they couldn't have jumped the 
distance directly, of course.  Duo followed him, and from there, they 
jumped lightly down to the ground and with a few simple gestures to 
indicate intent, they walked a ways down the slope until they were 
safely out of sight of the house, and sat down on the scraggly grass.  
Duo caught himself trying deliberately to decide how far was far enough 
to indicate simple friendship.  He frowned at the intrusion in his 
regular thought processes and dismissed the idea, attempting to sit down 
as he normally did, only to find that he couldn't define 'normal' 
anymore without overly analyzing the problem.  Having thoroughly 
disoriented himself, he shook his head at himself and just plopped 
himself down on the grass where he stood, and hoped that Heero would 
take care of any necessary adjustments.

	Well, there Heero was again in his thoughts.  Was he thinking 
more about Heero since Suzuhara-san had brought it up, or was it just 
that he was noticing it more now?  And was he going to be thinking much 
too hard about absolutely everything now?  That would be horrible, 
unnatural and stilted, and, well, it would just plain suck.  Things were 
the way they were.  Did she have to go and try to turn his entire world 
order upside-down?  He had been so comfortable, too.  There was 
absolutely no good reason for her to try to change things from their 
pleasant status quo.

	He sighed, and hugged his knees to his chest, staring blankly 
out over the boring view.  "Hey, Heero," he started in a small voice.  
"I hope you weren't offended by all that or anything.  I don't mean to 
imply that you aren't a great guy or anything....  I mean...."

	"Do you think it would work?"

	The quiet question caught him off guard, and startled, he turned 
his head to face his companion.  "You mean you're actually taking what 
she said seriously?"

	Heero was resting in a more relaxed pose than Duo's.  He was 
seated as well, his legs drawn up loosely as he looked off at some point 
between the land and the sky.  "I mean I'm taking what she said, and 
coming to my own conclusions."

	"...And...?" he couldn't stop himself from asking.

	"And there was some truth to what she said, although, as you 
said, it certainly wasn't rigorously proved in any sense.  And you were 
both right.  It is all ambiguous, and, like many things, can be 
interpreted in a variety of ways, leading to a number of very different 
conclusions."

	Duo made a sound that resembled a half-hearted chuckle.  "Well, 
that wasn't very helpful, Yuy."

	"You should come to your own conclusions, too."

	"Hn.  Hey, you avoided my question."

	"Your question was not articulately phrased."

	Well, no arguing that.  "What are your conclusions?" he asked 
more concretely.

	"I haven't arrived at any, yet.  But I was thinking... that I 
do.  Trust you.  More than anyone else.  With me.  That if there were 
anyone I would give myself to... it would be you."

	The answer hit him with a heavy hand, and halfway through it he 
was praying that Heero wouldn't finish it, but as with all his prayers, 
it went unheard.  The response didn't surprise him, but it was almost 
too much, hearing it given form and spoken aloud.  That made it real, 
and something he had to think about.

	Heero added some more onto his revelation, and it didn't help 
any.  "I think I've already given you everything that matters."

	Not wanting to dwell on the implications of the statement, he 
took all those frantic little thoughts and shoved them under the carpet 
of his mind, and turned the discussion towards familiar ground.  "You're 
assuming that not all of you matters, Heero.  All of you does.  ...Not 
that I'm trying to be greedy or anything.  ...Not that I'm implying 
that--"  That he wanted the rest of him, all of him.  Or that every last 
scrap of him was precious and treasured.  Or that...  He broke off 
abruptly and scolded himself for letting those new and strange thoughts 
interrupt his thought processes again.  Frustrated with himself and this 
entire situation, he turned his face once more to the earth and slowly 
began banging his forehead lightly against his raised knees, as if that 
would provide some comfort, or distraction at the least.

	Circles were for women.  It was a proven fact that women liked 
curvy things, and men liked straight things.  Right around now, Duo was 
wishing his mind would stop running around in circles and just travel a 
nice straight line.  No, sir, he didn't like circles, no curves for him.  
...Wait a minute.  Did that mean he didn't like women, either?  So then 
maybe he was...  And maybe he did...  Dammit.  His thoughts ended right 
back with Heero again.  Stupid circles.  He couldn't even hate them 
properly without them getting back at him.  Oh, of course.  Circles 
always got back, didn't they?  Stupid roundiness.  Why couldn't the 
earth be flat?  Then everything else would probably be flat, too, and 
all would be right with the world.  Well, except everything being flat 
and two-dimensional and all.

	It was right around now that Heero would have smacked him, if 
Heero had been listening to his thoughts, and gosh darnit if he didn't 
just bring up Heero in his head again.  Was the guy just everywhere?  
Didn't he ever take a break?  No, of course not.  This was Heero, after 
all, and even this last vacation had officially been work, and it was 
that very thing that had started this whole mess.  Duo cursed himself 
for ever bringing Relena and Suzuhara-san together.  He should have 
known better.  Really, he should have.

	This banging of the head thing really wasn't working very well.  
He was just about to think to himself that he really needed a hug, when 
he realized that he wanted the source of that hug to be Heero.  But, he 
hastily reassured himself, *but* that was because Heero was a good 
*friend*, just a *friend*, one who really understood him and had the 
patience to help him out when he was absolutely positively spazzing like 
this, and it would have been just a friendly hug just a few hours ago.  
Duo himself had hugged Heero once or twice, when Heero got that look on 
his face that said he really needed one, not that Heero would ever 
really really have a look on his face that said that, but good gods, if 
Heero's face never really really said that, then how did Duo know that 
that was what Heero really needed?  And it did seem like Duo was right, 
since he could usually get Heero to perk up after that, not that Heero 
ever perked, but he knew what he meant.  So how--?  Friends!  They were 
friends!  That's it!  ...right?  Of course.  No, really.  Of course.  
And guy friends could do... you know.  Guy hugs.  And still be manly and 
everything, right?  But not like, *too* manly or something, not implying 
that he was so manly he liked men, too, or something, not that there was 
anything wrong with liking men, but--

	He added a little extra force behind that last head whack.  This 
sucked.  He could go for a nice manly hug right around now.  A purely 
friendly hug.  Just a supportive one.  It could be from anyone or 
anything.  Even Blackie could give him a hug.  Then he wouldn't have to 
worry about weird other-type implications or anything.  God, would he 
ever be able to touch, talk to, look at, listen to, Heero ever again 
without being all weirded out?  Hmm, what was he missing?  There were 
five senses, so... smell and taste?  Well, after the whole shampoo 
thing, smell was probably out of the question, too.  And taste?  He 
wasn't even going to go there.

	He was in the process of cursing various trauma from his youth 
for making him desire physical contact when he felt a shift in his 
surroundings, a second before he felt the tingle down his side that 
spoke of a familiar presence moving next to him, a moment before he felt 
the weight of a warm arm fall gently across his shoulders.

	What?  Duo glanced up, startled.  Impossible that Heero could 
sense what he had just been thinking!  Unless... unless...

	"It's almost guaranteed that anyone who looks that gloomy needs 
a hug," Heero quoted from a hug not so long ago, answering the question 
he saw only in Duo's difficult to describe eyes.  He gave the unhappy 
teen a small, reassuring squeeze before his hand fell away and returned 
to his side.  "Do you have any idea how traumatized you look right now?  
I may be emotionally dense, but even I can pick up on this."

	Oh.  See?  A decision based merely on an evaluation, a judgment 
call.  That was all.  No problem there.  Heero didn't have to know him 
especially well to realize that banging his head against things was not 
a happy behavior.  But, then again... this was Heero, and he wouldn't go 
around hugging, or half-hugging, or even touching, just anyone, no 
matter their emotional needs, not to mention the attempt at cheerful 
words, so maybe that meant...?  But damn if the arm hadn't done just a 
clean, unsuggestive 'I'm here' sort of thing, which was exactly what Duo 
had been wishing for.

	Mentally exhausted, Duo laid his head upon his knees, this time 
with the side of his head resting upon his cushioning forearms, and made 
no effort to respond physically to his friend's helpful presence, too 
tired to decide between the arm being an answer and the arm being a part 
of the problem.  Still, he didn't want to let Heero feel the gesture 
unappreciated, so he made the attempt to respond with a light, dry 
laugh.  "I knew it.  I knew something I said would come back to haunt me 
today."

	"You were right.  That should make you happy."

	"It's not cool to be right about being miserable."

	"Are you?  Miserable?"

	Duo took the time to think about it, really think about it, but 
first he stopped to think about him thinking about it.  It wasn't just 
that if he didn't, then Heero would force him to anyway.  It was just 
that Heero had won the right to the truth from him, that Duo respected 
and trusted and ... well, liked Heero enough to give that to him.  He 
dismissed the errant thought and got back to the question, and had to 
conclude a negative.  "No.  Not miserable, I guess.  Just... I don't 
know.  Not a good day."

	"Would it be so bad?"

	"What, us?  Together?  No, of course not," he quickly stated.  
Oh, why couldn't Heero take that soft, level voice and apply it towards 
something nice, like a soothing bedtime story or something?  But then 
Duo's thoughts turned towards bedrooms and bedroom voices and he reined 
them in with a start.  "But... Well, like I said, you're a great person, 
Heero, a wonderful person, even, but--  I mean...  God, I...."  He 
sighed in frustration and gathered his thoughts into some semblance of 
order so that he could at least get a complete sentence out of his 
mouth.  "I've never thought about it.  This was just a complete 
surprise.  And it's just... strange.  I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be 
offensive or anything, just... something shorted out in my head or 
something, that's all.  I'm just having trouble here."

	And even this right now was better than he had been before.  He 
wasn't denying any of the things that had been brought up tonight.  To 
do so would be quite dishonest.  He did feel a close connection with 
Heero, but he questioned the 'logical' conclusion that was being drawn 
from that.  Yes, taking a turn towards romance was a viable option, but 
that didn't mean that he should take it, just because it was there.  Yet 
a good part of him was whispering to him that it sounded like a great 
idea, like it was what he had been seeking, but there was another part 
of him that advised, 'it if ain't broke, don't fix it'.

	"Reevaluating things?"  Heero's eyes studied his face, and Duo 
knew that he was being reevaluated himself, and it made him uneasy and 
troubled and anxious and strangely calm all at the same time.  It was 
good to know that at least one of them was in control of the situation 
here.  This was the way that things were between them.  It was just 
balance, nothing more, nothing less.

	"You, too, eh?"  But probably nowhere near as haphazardly as he.  
Heero looked like a man that was coming to some conclusions.  "So what's 
it like?"  That was open-ended enough that Heero couldn't say he was 
asking for answers when there weren't any to give.

	The blue eyes gave him one last appraising look before replying.  
"Different.  Looking at things from a different perspective like this is 
just... opening up whole new avenues for exploration.  Things I've never 
considered are swiftly becoming possibilities and options.  Choices I've 
never chosen, decisions I've never made... paths I've never tread.  All 
of these new ideas just... popping up out of nowhere.  It's different."

	Didn't he just know it.  Heero somehow made it sound... 
interesting.  Fascinating.  Exciting.  Like a kid in a candy shop.  And 
oddly poetic, too, more so than the whole color of his eyes thing.  
Heero did have a talent with words, sometimes.  And yet...  "Is it 
scary?"

	"Is that what's stopping you?"

	"I know, I've never let that stop me before, but... you know, I 
think you're the one person that I've had the longest in my life.  Even 
if it's only been three years.  Everyone else, I maybe got to spend a 
year or so with, at most, before... before something happened.  So, I 
mean, you're special, and...,"  He paused and almost didn't say what he 
was about to say, only because he knew it sounded rather iffy, as if he 
were committing himself to something he hadn't agreed to yet, but then 
he remembered his audience, and remembered that these strange, new 
implications had never meant anything before, and likely wouldn't now.  
Not to him.  So he finished off the sentence, albeit in a soft rush, as 
if he might be able to sneak it by whatever misinterpreting forces might 
be listening.  "...and I want you to stick around even longer than that.  
And I don't want to... break this somehow.  I've kinda not been wanting 
my bubble to pop."

	"And finding out you love someone might do that?"

	There was the word he had been trying to avoid.  "I wasn't 
exactly raised with..."  He paused, and then deliberately forced himself 
to say the word.  "...love in my worldview.  Okay, not that you were, 
either, but you probably just never talked about it.  It was just 
irrelevant to you.  But me, you know... I was keenly aware of it, and... 
it wasn't something to get involved with.  Everyone on the streets knows 
that, personal experience or otherwise.  'Tis better to have loved and 
lost?  Well, I've done that, Heero.  Been there, done that, and I was 
one of the ones telling the newbies to stay away from it, too."

	"You tried dating.  You must have been seeking love somehow, 
Duo."

	"But that's what normal people do!  Seek love, date, marry, 
etc., and I thought that being normal was a worthy pursuit.  But I 
didn't find love, no surprise there, and I resigned myself to being not 
normal in this respect, because God knows I'm not normal in so many 
other respects, too, so why not just add one more to the stack?  
Normalcy's totally overrated, anyway.  That was that, I forgot about it, 
and now... now I'm being told that it may have been in front of me all 
this time?  That's... infuriating and wonderful and inconceivable and 
everything all at once."

	The tiny lopsided smile on Heero's face said he wasn't being 
serious when he said, "So you're just upset you didn't think of it 
first?"  He was gratified by the brief appearance of wry amusement on 
his companion's face.  "No one spoke of love.  Just attachments.  Maybe 
they meant not to get too attached to one's project or experiments or 
work.  Or maybe it was the other way around, and they meant not to get 
too attached to anyone or anything outside of the project.  But it was 
understood that it was because it could cause conflicts.  And I don't 
see any conflicts here."

	Attachment.  That was a safer word.  "Okay, so maybe I'm a 
little attached to you.  But God, you're really thinking about this.  
Wow.  When someone like Heero Yuy starts giving something some thought, 
you know it's gotta have some worth."

	"You don't give yourself enough credit, Duo.  Me?  I'm just a 
guy that doesn't know anything about this stuff.  I have to have people 
tell me that I might be in love with someone.  It appears that I 
wouldn't know love if it came out of nowhere and lived with me for two 
years.  And I'm now sitting here trying to apply logic to an inherently 
illogical thing."

	"Well, yeah, so?  I mean, hey, if that's the way your mind 
works, then more power to you, right?  It's your own way of thinking, 
everyone's got their own way, and it's gotten you this far, hasn't it?  
Can't be too shoddy."  Then again, his own method of thinking had gotten 
him this far, and no further.  "Still, for someone who's never even 
considered this before, I think you're remarkably accepting of this 
whole thing."

	There was a look in Heero's eye that hinted at mischief.  
"Because someone once told me--"

	Duo winced.  "Uh-oh.  I smell another repetition of something I 
once said.  Is this one gonna hurt?"

	Heero smiled.  "Someone once told me that if I couldn't think of 
any reasons to say no, then maybe I ought to try saying yes."

	It just wasn't his day, was it?  Duo half-groaned.  "And you 
can't think of any reasons to say no?" he asked, almost tentatively.

	"Not yet.  Can you?"

	"Well, not yet," he admitted, and it cost him just a little.  "I 
mean, I meant it when I said you're a great guy.  There are so many 
things about you that I can easily see *other* people being attracted 
to.... I've just never thought about *me* being attracted to those 
things, too.  You're Heero, for God's sake!  You're... just... Heero, 
and that's who you are, just you, and that's it, and the letters of 
'Heero' don't rearrange to spell lover or boyfriend or anything."

	"Or friend, either," Heero pointed out.

	"Well, that's just part of the package deal," Duo answered.  
"And don't even ask me how that works, because I've no clue."

	He acknowledged that with a slight dip of head.  So long as Duo 
realized how illogical he was being, it was alright.  "That's all I need 
to be, Duo.  That's all I want to be.  Just me.  You even asked that of 
me, just a couple of months ago."

	"Ugh, not again," Duo muttered.  It was those damned circles 
again, dredging up the words of the past.  "This doesn't even matter to 
you, does it?  Whether we hook up or not?"

	"Matter?"  He shrugged.  "Not in any life-altering way.  I hate 
to say it's up to you, but...  Either way, we'll still be together, I 
hope, and that's all that matters.  Anything else would just be..."  He 
paused, searching for the expression.  "...Icing on the cake?  Ignoring, 
for the moment, the fact that I don't like icing on my cake."

	The idea that Heero was somehow a romantic, in his own Heero 
little ways, suddenly became a whole lot more personal.  It used to make 
him smile, but now that he was the subject, it was making him feel 
dangerously warm and fuzzy inside.  "You don't think that hooking up 
would change anything?"

	"Oh, it would change something, I'm sure.  But nothing that 
mattered, I hope.  Was I mistaken?  I was thinking that the underlying 
structure of our relationship wouldn't change, just that it would be... 
added upon.  Upgraded, if you will.  If things don't work out, we could 
always back up a version."

	Duo had to chuckle at the analogy, but it seemed to be working 
so far, and it was easier to think of this whole situation in an 
abstracted, impersonal sort of way.  "Upgrades can suck sometimes, you 
know.  Sometimes they add all sorts of things that you really don't 
need, or they take away really useful features, or add whole new things 
that are totally incompatible with all of the pre-existing stuff, or 
change the look and feel of everything to the point that you can't even 
recognize it anymore for what it is, and if you try to downgrade, then 
that can mess everything up because removing the new stuff can take some 
of the old stuff with it, or maybe they just squashed all the old stuff 
altogether, and then everything's just messed up and you've got to do a 
whole re-installation, provided you can still find the discs and stuff, 
and that just takes forever and you just know that you'll never be able 
to get all of the options set up just the way you had them before, and 
nothing will ever be the same again."

	"Only if it's engineered poorly," was Heero's short and 
reasonable answer, and it was filled with the dignity and disdain of 
someone that never engineered anything poorly.

	He rolled his eyes with a good-natured sigh.  "Fine.  You know, 
I give great advice, but that advice was for you to follow, not me.  
It's not that easy for me.  Can you think of any reasons to say yes?"

	"Are you waiting for me to convince you to do this?  Because if 
you are, then that should already tell you something."

	D'oh.  He cringed.  "No," he said, automatically going on the 
defense.  "I'm just... trying to gather all the evidence before 
rendering a verdict, that's all."

	"Hn."  With a wry look on his face, Heero took it upon himself 
to humor him seriously.  He sorted through the thoughts and feelings 
running through his head, and gathered some of the more salient of them 
into a single, cohesive idea that rather surprised him when it emerged.  
It wasn't that it was an unexpected conclusion.  It was just something 
he had never given form before, and if this was the way things were, 
then it was no wonder that Relena and the rest of them would have been 
seeing things that he and Duo hadn't.  They'd never talked about it, 
while the others surely had.  "You make me feel comfortable, Duo."

	"Eh?"  Duo had been taking advantage of the short break to stare 
off at the stars again.  Since they were nestled cozily in the heart of 
smalltown suburbia, there weren't as many lights competing for attention 
with the night sky.  But now, he turned to look towards Heero again, and 
became quite abruptly aware of how close that put their faces, and he 
turned his visage out towards the view again, trying to make it look 
casual, but unable to mask that start and the uncertainty of his 
actions.

	One corner of Heero's mouth twitched upwards in that curious 
half-smile of his, as if a full smile would be a betrayal of his 
personality.  He matched Duo's movement and turned his visual attention 
away from him.  "You always say I worry too much about the world," he 
explained, his tone that of a soft closeness, an easy intimacy, even, if 
Duo weren't shying away from that word at the moment as well.  "That I 
need to relax more.  And I do, sometimes.  And when I do, you're there 
to help me, whether you're trying to get me to try something new, or 
you're... just there.  You're always there.  And... I know this sounds 
absolutely horrible when I say it aloud, but at those times, it's just 
you and me, and all the problems of the world fade away and I don't have 
to worry about any of it."  His eyes dropped to the earth, but did not 
turn towards his companion.  "I can't even quantify what it is you do 
for me, but I can't imagine anyone else doing it better."

	There was a blink and a swallow before Duo managed to articulate 
a response.  "Oh.  Yeah.  I guess that would be a good reason."  Heero 
was making a leap of faith.  There was a gap in his logical reasoning 
and he was bridging it with a gut feeling, and to be something that 
could actually make Heero Yuy take pause, that could actually disrupt 
his usual patterned universe, that could touch him on a deep down level 
and make him believe without concrete proof, was strangely breathtaking.

	An impulse struck Duo, a brief flicker of a thought that 
suggested he stop trying to hold his head up and lean it against Heero's 
shoulder.  It was conveniently close by, after all.  It was distracting 
him from his ponderings and he nearly dismissed it until he realized 
that it ought to be a part of his ponderings.  There were several key 
elements there that deserved further thought.

	First of all, the idea had gotten under his skin and was 
currently making itself as clearly present as a five-year-old with a 
sugar high.  It was like hearing and feeling the gum stuck to the bottom 
of his shoe as he walked.  It was one of those songs that always got 
stuck in a person's head.  It was a shadow he kept seeing out of the 
corner of his eye.  And it kept on asking 'Are we there yet?' in an 
obnoxious, whining tone at the most inopportune times.  And just as he 
wasn't allowed to smack annoying children, he couldn't just smack the 
idea and make it quiet down.  No, he had to do something about it or 
else he would never get any peace.  So would curiosity kill the cat?  
And the immediate mental reply was that Heero wouldn't harm him, not 
deliberately, anyway, and rather than fight it, he just accepted that 
one.  That was nothing new.

	So one thing was decided.  But was it really as easy as a simple 
choice?  Was it merely a certain mindset?  It was as Heero had said: new 
possibilities were making themselves known, and was just choosing one of 
them all he had to do?  It seemed ridiculous that everything could be 
reduced to such a simple act, but there it was.  All he had to do was 
choose to move physically closer to Heero, and he would be.  And what 
was stopping him?  Nothing.  He wanted it, wanted the comfort it could 
provide, wanted to go back -- or move forward -- to that wonderful state 
of being able to do anything with Heero and not worry about negative 
consequences, and finally, he just said, 'aw, screw it' and leaned to 
the side just a little bit and hesitantly laid his cheek down upon the 
shoulder that was calling to him.

	And it felt good.  Maybe not perfect.  Heero didn't have the 
softest shoulders, but still good.

	But Duo sighed.  This complicated things.  Maybe.  It had been 
looking rather complicated just a minute ago, but now that his head was 
resting in a different position, it seemed he was seeing the world from 
a slightly better angle, and things started straightening themselves 
out.  Sure, he didn't feel 'that way' about Heero now, but he found 
himself thinking that he certainly wouldn't object if he did.  Duo 
didn't have a problem with being able to appreciate beauty in any of its 
forms, and it wasn't too difficult a stretch in Heero's case at all.  
Toss a few hormones into the mix, and it could no doubt snowball quite 
easily.  Apparently he already felt every other way about Heero, surely 
this last little thing couldn't be far?  Especially if he chose to 
pursue it.  And what was 'it'?  If 'it' was this beautiful feeling of 
being trusted and reassured and comforted and... loved... then hell yes, 
he chose to pursue it.

	"Do me a favor, Heero?" he asked quietly.  He was making a 
decision, and he sought one last bit of confirmation.

	"Hm?"

	"Put your arm around me again?"  The arm was quiescent for a 
moment, but it eventually rose to take its place around him once more, 
and Duo considered it, and decided that that was even better.  If he 
said yes, then this would be his, always.  And if Heero took his arm 
away, then he knew that he would feel the lack of his warmth most 
severely, and he almost shivered just thinking about it.

	He chose to bring it out into the open.  He chose to stop with 
the tacit understanding and calm acceptance.  He chose to have it 
manifest, to magnify it and make it stronger.  He had a good thing going 
here, and he wanted to wallow in it.

	Well, he could think all that, but it was quite another thing to 
actually do it.  There was an enormity lurking in the background 
somewhere, and he knew he wasn't prepared to face it.  But he would be.  
His grandiose ideas had not yet transformed themselves into anything 
concrete, and would the reality be different from this distilled dream?

	"You're sure this won't ruin things?" he asked, one final check 
before it was too late.

	"No," Heero answered truthfully.  "But on the other hand, I 
think it can only ruin things if we let it."

	And it would take something mighty and fickle for a creature 
like Heero to allow it to get out of control.  Was, ahem, extreme 
attachment just the thing to defy him?  Could a person really control, 
ahem-- aw, screw it.  Could a person really control love?  (And he told 
himself he was only using the word for convenience's sake, that he 
didn't really mean it.  [Not yet, anyway, a little voice whispered.])  
Was love even supposed to be a controlled thing?

	He reconsidered his angle.  Control could take many forms, and 
Heero hadn't proposed controlling it directly.  It was like blowing up a 
building.  You could lob a boxful of grenades into the place, and then 
run like hell, or you could plant some strategically-placed explosives 
on the key support beams and set them off once you were safely away, but 
no matter what you did, you weren't in control once that reaction went 
off.  And what they were proposing was somewhat akin to this.  Aw, hell.  
He hadn't blown anything up for a while now.  And they were good at 
blowing things up.  And what a rush it could be.  Something in him 
longed for it, and Heero was offering a safe haven for trying it out.  
What more could he ask?  All of the ingredients had been brought 
together, and all it needed was one tiny little spark to set it off.

	First things first.  "Well, Heero," he began, and he tried for a 
shining confidence, but it came out soft, with a hint of hesitance and 
awe and disbelief.  Was he really going to say it?  "I think I wanna 
give this crazy thing a shot.  Whaddya say?"

	"It does sound rather interesting, doesn't it?"  And Duo was 
pleased to hear a similar incredulity beneath the words.  "I'm game if 
you are."

	"Cool."  And that was about all he could say about that, until 
the immensity of what they were about to do struck him like a cream pie 
in his face, and terrible visions of embarassing fumbles and blind 
leading the blind danced in his head.  "How on earth are we going to do 
this, Heero?" he asked, suddenly doubtful.  The potential for this 
affair to become a comedy of errors was overwhelming.

	"Same way we do anything, I imagine," Heero answered, calmly as 
always.  "One step at a time."

	"What if we... I don't know."

	"We're both smart boys," he answered, bemused.  "I'm sure we'll 
figure it out."  Duo snorted softly at yet another sentence coming back 
to haunt him.  "We can start from the basics and work our way up.  
Anything we don't know, I'm sure we can improvise.  It's up to us, after 
all.  And if things don't work out, then we can always stop."

	The thought comforted Duo, enough so that he could let his own 
arm creep up slowly and place itself around Heero's waist, and that felt 
good, too.  This wasn't a point of no return, then.  Heero was right, 
and they could engineer this however they wanted to, and they would do 
it such that they could always go back, and it didn't feel so 
frightening anymore.  This wasn't a risk.  It wasn't even a big step 
forward so much as a bunch of steps to the side.  The fundamentals 
weren't changing.  They remained solid in their foundations and he clung 
to that for support.  "God, you're calm.  And reasonable.  You disgust 
me, sometimes."

	"Hn.  The 'reasonable' part is really the key.  I know myself to 
be a rational, reasonable being.  I know that I have reasons, usually 
good reasons, for all of the things that I do.  So if I find that I...."  
He paused, searching for a good word to encapsulate his emotions.  "I'll 
find a nice, accurate word or two for whatever it is I'm feeling for 
you, once I've had some time to thoroughly explore the issue.  But in 
any case, I'm sure I have good reasons for feeling the way I do, even if 
I can't name them right now, and I'm not going to argue with myself.  So 
all that's left for me to do is sit back and watch those emotions color 
my decisions."

	Duo gave him a good-natured squeeze and a quiet laugh.  "Okay.  
So you're being so level-headed because you're following your emotions.  
That is so you.  Well, I reserve the right not to be level-headed about 
this.  I'm sure the panic will kick in any minute now, as soon as I'm 
not so comfortable, and when it does, I'm counting on you to talk me 
down from it, okay?"

	"So that means you'll be sticking by your decision?"

	"I want to.  You know, it's funny, but I always imagined us 
growing old and gray together, and I almost can't believe I never heard 
how that sounds.  But I wanted that before, and I want that now, and as 
much as it irks me to say that Suzuhara-san was right, I gotta admit... 
I think she was on to something."

	A noise suspiciously like a chuckle sounded next to Duo's head.  
"Suzuhara-san was right about at least one thing," Heero said.

	"Oh?"

	"It's night, you're cold, and I'm not wearing a jacket."

	Duo laughed.  "No thanks to her.  So what do you do?"

	"I suggest we go back inside."  Heero released him and nudged 
him back upright.

	"Do you think it's safe?"

	"Aa."  He got up, patted his butt down for any stray grass he 
may have picked up, then held his hand out to his partner.  "I think I 
heard them leave."

	Duo grabbed the proffered hand and pulled himself up.  "Then we 
don't have to climb back in through the window?  Cool."

	So they went back in through the back door, listening carefully 
for the sound of any meddlesome neighbors, but they found none.  They 
did, on the other hand, find that their dinner dishes had been washed, 
and Duo thought that that was a rather nice touch.  It was getting late 
though, and they took their turns taking their showers, and then 
puttering around doing their usual before-bed things, and all was 
business as usual until it was time for lights out and Duo found himself 
lingering in his doorway, looking awkwardly at Heero, who was just 
coming up the stairs from the bottom.  What were they supposed to do 
now?  He felt like he should be giving Heero a good night kiss or 
something, but it wasn't as if they were on a date or anything.  
Besides, he'd never kissed anyone on a first date.  Sometimes that first 
date had been an only date.  Not that they had been on a date.  Hell, 
maybe the last two years had all been one continuous date.  And yes, 
he'd committed himself to... exploring the bounds of their relationship 
-- yes, he liked that phrase, completely non-threatening -- but he 
hadn't quite worked himself up to kissing Heero, who was, after all, 
Heero, even though he knew that it was or would be in the equation 
somewhere.

	Heero solved the problem by giving him the half-smile and an 
amiable nod.  "Good night, Duo," he said, and it had just enough warmth 
in it to make Duo feel silly for fretting over it.  One step at a time, 
he reminded himself.  He said his own good night, and closed the door 
softly behind him.

	What a night, he thought, laying himself down in his bed.  
Tomorrow, and all the days after, were looming in the future, and a 
cloud of uncertainty drifted along with them, but they weren't dark and 
threatening.  No, he thought maybe they were just white and light and 
fluffy clouds that only dimmed the intensity of the light while leaving 
it a bright and sunshiny day.  Too much direct sunlight gave him 
freckles, after all.

	He tried to get himself comfortable in his bed, tried to make 
his thoughts settle down and really accept the 'one step at a time' 
concept, but his mind refused to cooperate, and continued to buzz 
noisily at him, making sleep an impossibility.  Where was a Heero when 
you needed one to talk to at night?  He was always good for a 
distraction.  Anything to take his mind off of... Heero.  Well, okay, 
maybe getting Heero to take his mind off of Heero wasn't a useful idea.  
Dangit, was he thinking he would sleep better if there were a Heero 
around?  Again, foiled by the ubiquitous Heero-thoughts!

	He punched his pillow irritably, as if that would make it cough 
up some measure of sleep dust to assist him in his quest for slumber, 
but alas, it did not help.  Annoyed, he turned onto his other side, 
wiggled around a bit, and grabbed his spare pillow to curl around.  The 
poor pillow unfortunately yielded too easily to his tight hold, and the 
Heero-thought-bunnies jumped on the chance to immediately point out that 
Heero wasn't soft at all.

	Duo sighed at himself, and came up with a very good reason to 
say yes to this relationship.  Maybe then the voices in his head would 
shut up and leave him in peace.  There was obviously something inside of 
him that thought it would work out well, or else he'd feel unhappy or 
apprehensive or even apathetic towards the whole thing, and while he was 
feeling a little nervous and a little anxious about the whole thing, he 
wasn't doubting the decision.  And there was the curious fact that his 
mind was so quickly adapting to thinking of Heero in these new terms.

	One step at a time, he reminded himself yet again.  Just take 
some time to get used to the whole idea, and then maybe these little 
voices would stop being able to take him by surprise.  And then he 
realized that the pillow in his arms was the one that Heero had used 
when Lena had been over, and he took a cautious sniff of it.  Thank all 
the gods that they had washed the sheets since then, because if he had 
just scented that damned jasmine shampoo, he would have thrown the 
cursed thing across the room and marched himself over to Heero's room 
and demanded that he help him sleep.  Better yet, maybe he would have 
brought the pillow with him and meted out some pillowy payback.  This 
was all Heero's fault, after all.  If only Heero weren't so damnably-- 
God, had he been about to say 'perfect'?  'Good for him'?  'Compatible'?

	Sigh.  This was going to be a long night, wasn't it?

                              ************

	And so it was that when Heero saw Duo the next morning in the 
hallway, he noted his generally unrested state of being, and quite 
easily deduced the cause.  And when they tried to pass each other in the 
hall, and they both tried to avoid each other in the same direction and 
only managed to get in each other's way again, and then again, he knew 
it was time to talk Duo down.  Things weren't okay when Duo was 
reluctant to even make eye contact with him.

	Duo was finally about to win himself his freedom when an arm 
imposed itself in his path, hand pressed palm-first against the wall.  
He looked up from Heero's feet and found the very source of his 
disturbance looking back at him intently.  Duo instinctively moved so 
that his back was closer to the wall, but Heero followed him, and the 
sudden proximity only increased Duo's feeling of awkwardness.

	"Duo."  Heero waited patiently for Duo's eyes to stop shifting 
nervously.  "What are you doing?"

	The basic question knocked a small laugh out of him.  "I have no 
idea," he confessed.  "I just... don't know how I'm supposed to be 
acting anymore.  But you know, whatever it is, this... ridiculous... 
hesitance? cannot be it."

	"What do we need to be hesitant about?" Heero asked simply.  "We 
already know how this will all turn out.  Not the details, perhaps, but 
whatever happens, can we agree that it won't be bad?  That in the end, 
we'll be comfortable with each other again?"

	It was only a moment's consideration.  He would have thought 
Heero supremely arrogant to assume the conclusion to be foregone, had he 
not the same gut feeling himself.  He'd spent a good part of the night 
convincing himself of that feeling's veracity.  "Yeah, I can do that."

	"Then why don't we just... skip all of this in-between stuff and 
get right on to the end?  This hesitance seems so unnecessary, anyway."

	"You mean... just like that?  Just skip right over all of that 
and get on with the actual progress part?"  It sounded very appealing, 
and very reasonable.

	"Pretty much."

	"What happened to one step at a time?"

	"I reserve the right to skip steps if I find them displeasing."

	Duo chuckled.  "Yuy, I love the way you think."

	It took them about a day to reacquaint themselves with each 
other, but after that, they got into this new rhythm of things quite 
nicely.

_________________________________________
This piece of fiction is the intellectual 
property of the little turnip that could.  
The basis for this fic, i.e. Gundam Wing, 
Kyuuketsuki Miyu, et al., is the property 
of someone else.  The author can be con-
tacted at jchew@myrealbox.com.  This has 
been an entirely automated message.
http://www.cs.hmc.edu/~jchew/misc/gw.html

last modified : 11/8/2002 00:31:28 PST