--------------- Kyuuketsuki Duo Segue -- 4:1 --------------- What was it about him that made me reach out automatically to soothe his hurts away? He did nothing but confuse me when first we met. But I was so much less then than I am now. And I can only thank him for that. He has taught me so much, in our time together, and admittedly, that is what drew me to him in the first place. I agreed to guide him through his early days of discovery not because the Shinma had requested it of me, not because some deep bond had formed between us that night we took each other's blood, not even because I felt some kinship or pity or anything for him, at the time. I agreed for purely selfish reasons. I wanted to know. I wanted to know his power. I had had such a brief taste of it in his intoxicating lifeblood, but it was exotic, so different from anything I had ever known. It only hinted at things I had never dreamt of, whispered of potential and power, tasted of flavors that seemed so foreign and yet so familiar to me at the same time. It was a mystery, a puzzle begging to be solved. I had control, of course. If I had wanted to, I could have put the matter behind me and resumed my performance as doer of dirty deeds for the Eastern Shinma. I freely admit that from time to time, I probably would have pulled the memories out and examined them, and wondered what ever had happened to that braided youth by the sea. My mental faculties would have itched forever to have had the opportunity to unravel the knot, and I would not have died content, having left the unsolved conundrum behind. I was so good at what I did because I didn't give up. I investigated things fully, to the best of my abilities. I pursued things started to their conclusion, left no loose ends untied, to come back to haunt me later. But I could have moved on. Intellectual curiosity kept me alive. It didn't distract me. But luckily, I never had to leave it behind. I knew, the moment I failed in my task to neutralize the guardian, that my life was worth nothing to my keepers. I was only useful so long as I was productive, and worth the trouble of keeping. I could have redeemed myself by completing the task, but the stain would still have been on my record, and my one failure remembered at the most inconvenient time. In the end, it seemed more reasonable and profitable for me to end my term of employment with my masters and instead take up that new task, of guarding the guardian, and appease the twitching of my soul. One job was as good as the next, and so much the better if I could learn something from the experience. I wanted to know ... things. Anything and everything he had to teach me. My 'career' had long since stagnated, having evolved into an endless blur of petty missions and routine tasks, completely unfulfilling and unmemorable. I knew I was starting to slip, before I ever met the guardian. Tiny errors, caught before they truly manifested themselves into something that could cause noticeable performance degradation. I found myself sometimes drawing out the chase for just that extra moment, just for something to do. I was taking out my targets in different and creative ways, just to keep in practice. I think they knew that. It must have been the reason they sent me on the mission in the first place. I was becoming dangerous, and this task was the perfect way of disposing of me for a while. My life had already been borderline expendable before I had ever failed. Little did they know that they were just feeding me what I wanted: a challenge. A hunt for a target that may never have existed. So I rose to the challenge, and did the impossible. I found him. And when I did, I knew. I wanted to know him. There was the real challenge. The complexity of him fascinated me at first sight. There were such depths to his human soul, so many layers that I had never even known about, and I wanted to understand them all. It was as if seeing him, seeing *him*, his spirit laid bare to me in his blood, had opened the airtight barrier between my knowledge and my ignorance, and the empty vacuum that was revealed demanded to be filled. I had been indoctrinated while still very young to absorb all the knowledge that was available to me. I learnt to read the unspoken messages behind the doctor's every expression, his every gesture, in order to predict when he would be pleased, and when he would be angered. Every careless tidbit of information was carefully remembered, never knowing when it might come back to haunt me. Any tidbit I could glean from my teachers might have been that which would allow me to pass their tests, and save my life. And so it was I learnt to take advantage of every opportunity to learn. And his survival of that night challenged me. It challenged everything I had ever learnt. He was nothing, really, that night. Only a boy, with powers beyond his control, dealing with beings beyond his imagination. But somehow, he lived. Against the odds, he survived, not by wisdom or power or deceit, but seemingly by no more than a will to live, and the determination to wield it. The Shinma could have destroyed him that night. If he had proven incompetent, they could have eliminated him and bestowed the responsibility upon another. If he had been unworthy or unaccepting of the heritage, he would not have survived the release of his power. In each case, they would have been starting from scratch, and would have lost nothing but a few inconsequential strays in the meantime. But time means little to immortals. They would all be gathered into the fold, in time. The Shinma gave him his chance to prove himself, and he won using his unconventional weapons, his humanity, his powers freed only to be bound to the guardian's duty. His humanity disturbed me. I knew I had been of human stock at one point, but I had had little contact with humanity outside of a mother I barely knew, and a doctor probably less human than I was. I was annoyed at myself for having forgotten it so easily. Even the occasional mocking remark from creatures which sneered upon my humble beginnings failed to touch me. It was no more than a word from the past. He changed that, showed me that there was so much that had been lost. I wanted to know. I wanted to know it all. I saw him, and I saw me. Who was this boy who had upset the natural order of things? Who was it who handed me my first defeat? Was this the power of the guardians, or of the boy alone? If this was his power untrained, then what would its full potential be? If he could defeat me, whom else could he defeat? So many questions, all begging for answers. Some of the answers have been easy to find. The material ones. And the answers have led me to where I am now, lying here with him in my arms, guarding him even in his sleep. His confrontation with the Hakuchuumu was enough to inspire the nightmares to come on their own. The dark threads of its trap still linger deep inside him, where he will have to deal with them himself. I have done what I can, hunted down all traces accessible to me and eradicated them, but some still exist farther down than I can delve. It's funny that he still sleeps at all. He doesn't need to. He could avoid the dreams altogether by avoiding sleep. But he refuses to allow the doings of a power-hungry stray chase him from an activity he has clung to since his induction. Sleep is a human activity, and he would not relinquish it now, especially given the number of times I know he has recently seen himself as lacking humanity in his dreams. He puts off sleep, though, resists it for as long as he can, but still he sleeps. Just another unique little quirk in his mercurial personality. He sleeps more soundly, knowing I am here for him. I used to try to wake him from his dreams. I learnt that, when he dreamt he was being attacked, I should not use any possibly threatening physical means to waken him. When he dreamt that he was being violated, touching his mind with my own was the wrong decision. But soon I adapted, and learnt to read his dreams without touching them, and offered what response I knew he needed at the time. But I would soothe his fears and then retreat, and soon perhaps, my rest would be disturbed again as the assault was renewed once more. After I woke from my meditation one morning, to find that he had crept from his bed and now slept peacefully upon the floor cuddled in his blankets, with his head pillowed in my lap, I realized that I could not, would not leave him in the night. So now I stay with him, and he knows that I shall be here when he wakes, and this is sufficient to give him enough strength and security to confront his fears and insecurities, to fight off the ruthless exploitation of these things by his dreamtime assailants. I think he shall be able to sleep a full night's natural slumber soon, and he shall be stronger for it. There is much to be said for not running from one's problems. Avoidance of sleep would have been one way to do so. Even after all this time, he can still surprise me with the strength of his spirit and determination. I have learned so much, and yet there is still more yet to learn. I still seek my spiritual answers. I don't think I will ever learn all there is to know about him. He will always be a challenge. I wanted to understand him, so that I might better understand myself, and I have found that I am not anywhere near who I thought I was. I still don't know who I am though, not quite. I look forward to the day he can show me, the day he can complete me. _________________________________________ This piece of fiction is the intellectual property of the little turnip that could. The basis for this fic, i.e. Gundam Wing, Kyuuketsuki Miyu, et al., is the property of someone else. The author can be con- tacted at jchew@myrealbox.com. This has been an entirely automated message. http://www.cs.hmc.edu/~jchew/misc/gw.html last modified : 8/27/2001 00:37:26 PST