-------- Thoughts -------- He told me he liked me tonight. Not just liked me. But really *liked* me. Maybe even loved me. He asked for the opportunity to find out. He asked for my cooperation, my willingness. And all I could do was sit there and shake my head, trying to give answers I didn't have. If I liked someone, maybe it would be him. If. If I wanted to be that close to someone, maybe it would be him. Maybe. It went on for almost two hours like that. He convincing, I refusing. And in the end, he walked away quietly. But I saw that look in his eyes. I'll wait for you, it said. I'll wait until you're ready. As if that makes it any better. Just a bit of added pressure. I know it. I'm aware of it. How can I not take that into account when I do things? When I change, if I change, I want it to be because I want to change. Not because someone else wants me to. Because someone else is waiting for me to. Because someone else is looking forward to me changing. I want to change because one day, I want to have this great epiphany about life when I realize that everything is different, that I want it all to be different. Maybe it doesn't have to be a sudden great epiphany. Maybe it can be a bunch of tiny epiphanies, the kind I've been getting by his hand and presence. The ones that result from him laughing in joy and wonder, and me just realizing that that makes me feel good. The ones that happen when he's had a bad time of something and I realize that I don't want him to ever have to have a bad time of something, and I would give a lot to make it so that is so. I don't want it to be like this. I don't want this to define our relationship. Yes. We have a relationship. Of some sort. Everything is connected to everything else by a relationship. Whatever it is we have, I like it the way it is. Maybe I'd like it even more if it were more. I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know. But if I don't know, then not knowing what I don't know isn't going to make me like what we have now any less. But I don't want it to change for the worse. I don't want to turn away every time I see him coming because his constant waiting and faith in me are getting on my nerves. I don't want to have to watch everything I say and do when I'm around him to make sure that nothing is interpreted incorrectly. I don't want to analyze every encounter we have as if it were a chess game, with me trying to determine whether each move is another gambit in this situation he has initiated. I don't want there to be awkward silences between us that result not when he's just not in the mood to be jovial, but just because we have nothing neutral to say between us. I will not avoid him. He brought this upon himself, he did, and I refuse to suffer by it. I don't know why he feels the way he does. But whatever, whyever, it's his fault. It's internal to him. It doesn't have anything to do with me. And until I learn if, how, I can return his feelings, or any feelings, that's the way it's going to stay. Nothing personal. I feel as if I should be upset, or flattered, or something. Anything. After such a show of emotion, how I can remain as I am? Cold. Unaffected. Distant. If anything, then I am disturbed. How could this have happened? I'm not supposed to have to deal with things like this. Things like this don't happen to me. Things like this have never happened to me. Why me? Why him? He must have taken a wrong turn somewhere, made a wrong decision, had the wrong idea imprinted on him as a child. I don't know. Ironically, I think he'd be proud of me. This is my first moment of what would probably be termed angst. Too bad he's the cause of it. Maybe if I gave him a chance, he could teach me about everything I'm missing. But I can't even do that. I can't even think about it. He gave me opportunity to respond, in those awkward silences that stretched between us, as we tried to express what was in our minds. But I couldn't. He took the time to think about it, to consider his next words, to try to win me over. I didn't. I didn't think. I couldn't make myself think about it. It just ... did not compute. I just stared and thinking about it never even occurred to me. It never occurred to me to say yes. It's just ... not the way things are. So I wish I could make him see, even giving him a chance wouldn't be something I could do. Something I could consider. It's occurred to me, yes, in hindsight, because that's the way I think. I analyze things, come up with all the possible results that might occur, and it's only natural that these issues pop up. In hindsight. And in analytical terms. But just because I've realized that there's no real rational basis for my behavior, that doesn't in any way make me want to surpass my own limitations. There's nothing he said, nothing he did, that made me want more. The idea of holding hands didn't appeal to me. Nor did hugging. When he hugged me, I just stood there and took it. I closed my eyes briefly and tried to convince myself that I enjoyed it. But it didn't work. It was nothing. There was no swifter beating of my heart, no security in an embrace that would protect me and shelter me from the world's harm, no desire to get something more than a hug. We spend enough hours in a day together. Why more? Why this desire for physical contact? Why don't I share it? Why can't we leave well enough alone? Maybe I'm the one who received the wrong imprinting as a child. So what? There it is. It's a large part of my psyche, and it's happy where it is and it's not going anywhere. As long as I continue to think that I am content with the status quo, with things as they are now, then I am content. That is the way the human mind works, the way truth works. But still, the fact remains. He means nothing to me and I don't know why. And I don't even know if I really care to know why. He asked, why don't I give it a try. No regrets of never having tried it out. I can know conclusively whether it would have worked. I should probably learn sometime. Why not now? Why not him? But I can't accept. Why? Something is stopping me, and I don't know what that is. But that doesn't make it any less forceful. I think it's something that I want to come to terms with by myself. Am I scared of what will happen if it doesn't work out? No. I don't believe that. If it doesn't work out, I think things would just fall back to their previous state, and I've already established that I like that state just fine. Maybe I'm scared about what would happen if it did work out. That's a silly thing to be scared about. But maybe. Just maybe. It would change everything. And I wouldn't be who I think I am anymore. I don't even know who I am. Maybe not knowing wouldn't hurt me too badly. How can I tell him? How can I tell him to give up this lost cause? He lost before it ever even started. He doesn't have a chance. How can I tell him to stop wasting his time on me and find someone else worthy of his attention? I don't want to hurt him. I care about him at least that much. He's a nice guy. He deserves to be happy. But I wish he would find someone else. I can't give him what he wants. Why can't he see that? He deserves to be happy. If he's not going to change his mind, maybe I should try it. Try to make him happy and make the best of a messy situation. But that's not an optimal solution. I don't want to convince myself I like him, love him, because it would make him happy. It wouldn't be fair to him. I could end this whole miserable situation by just saying yes, I will give you your chance with me. But that wouldn't be fair to him. I've never lied to him. I don't want to start. And I don't think that he'd want that, either. Maybe I should let him teach me. But that wouldn't be right. Can't he see? That changing things would make our interactions just one big fight? A constant struggle to force me to change? With me giving in not because I want to, but because I want him to shut up, or because I don't want to hurt him? Wouldn't that just be one big lie? I don't want that to sour what we have. It's unreasonable for me to think I don't have emotions. Just because I've never experienced certain emotions doesn't mean that I'm not capable of them. But I don't understand them, either way. I don't understand what drives him. Why is there this need for a label? It doesn't define a relationship. If he had just started getting closer to me, I likely would never have noticed until it was too late. But now that he's formally petitioned for the right, I won't be able to help it. I'll notice it, all the time, every time, maybe even at times when it's not true. And I'll resist. I can't explain that. Just like he couldn't explain to me why he chose me. He told me that of all the people he had met, I was different. I was special. There was something about me, something beautiful, and he thought that a relationship between the two of us would be wonderful, could benefit us both. Maybe he's right. But I just can't see it. I apologized. I told him I was sorry. Why did I say that? I meant it, too. But I don't think there's anything here for me to be sorry for. I don't regret telling him the truth. I don't deny any of this sorry mess. In my mind, he's the main cause of this whole situation. But I'm still sorry. I shot him down with my honesty when it must have taken such personal strength to have approached me in the first place. I'm sorry that I caused him to have wasted such effort. I'm sorry I can't give him what he wants. I'm sorry I made him unhappy. I'm sorry to have disappointed him. I'm sorry I'm not like normal people. But I'm not sorry that I was being true to myself. I don't want a relationship. I'm not ready for a relationship. Just the way I can barely wrap my mind around the idea should indicate that. The way I'm reluctant to consider it should indicate that. I'm obviously not emotionally mature enough to get involved with someone. I'm confused. I admit it. But I've never let it stop me before. Just stop dwelling on the problem. Concentrate on finding an answer. And until I do find that answer, I hope he will let it lie, long enough for me to find the truth so that I can share it with him. I want to find that maturity, I think, but I need to find it myself. It has to be something that I can define in terms of myself. I need to have some sort of self-identity. I'm in the process of making one now, because I never had one before. During the war, before the war, I let myself be defined in terms of others. External people and events. I had no personal worth, no personal significance. But I need to *be* someone before I can be with someone else. I hope he can accept that, and respect that. --------------------- author's note. it occurred to me, when real life jumped up and bit me, that i can identify frighteningly well with heero. i wrote this with him in mind, as a 2+1, but i suppose it could be a 4+3 if you wanted it to be, or anyone else. this is probably entirely OOC and doesn't make much sense at all. whatever. i don't mind. it was therapeutic, and you know how that goes. ________________________________________ This fic is the intellectual property of the little turnip that could. The basis for this fic, id est Gundam Wing et al., is the intellectual property of someone else. The author can be contacted at jchew@myrealbox.com. This has been an entirely automated message. http://www.cs.hmc.edu/~jchew/misc/gw.html