BurntEgoMonkey

A powerful though completely useless artifact that was uncovered in a campaign run by NickJohnson. The party was adventuring through an underground cave system, in which they had recently caused a forest fire (don't ask). They reached the end of a dead-end corridor, whereupon SteveHaas declared, "I search". Replied the DM: "You search for what?" "Oh, I dunno. Traps, secret doors... monkeys... you know, anything out of the ordinary." The DM rolls a die... "no traps." Rolls again... "no secret doors." Rolls a third time... slight pause... "you find a monkey."

Now, as this monkey was found in a corridor where a forest fire had recently occurred, it was concluded that it was rather burnt. However, it struck the party as a bit unusual, so they took it with them. And some days later, they had some extra charges of identify to burn, so the enterprising party wizard decided to identify the burnt monkey, whereupon it was revealed to be intelligent and possessed a number of potent abilities, including:

• Charm Person (it, not you)
• X-Ray vision (which it uses to look through people's clothes)
• Conjure Porn (at will)
• Bigby's Obscene Gesture (1/day) (ok, not at the time, but it should have this)
• and yet more stuff that i, the DM, can't remember anymore

The intelligent, burnt, monkey was thus dubbed the BurntEgoMonkey and proceded to play a role (admittedly a really *stupid* role, but a role nonetheless) throughout the rest of the campaign (which consisted of about two weeks of play before the party immolated itself two rooms before getting to the intended end of the campaign).