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"'May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense'"

- Pratical Demonkeeping by Christopher Moore, Chapter 5, page 40

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Currently, and most likely eternally, non-existent.
Given said irresponsible non-existence, this page looks to compile curses. The longer, more outrageous curses the better. To make it more interesting: no swear words, foul language, or disturbingly wrong sexual imagery. Quotes from literature are excellent so long as you give them credit somehow. Both short and long curses are appreciated as one has need of both. Curses that roll of the tongue and can be given at high speeds. Twisting curses that require a dictionary. Ungrammatical curses. Curses so long that one could curse solidly for five minutes straight in a brutal onslaught. Curses so subtle that even a trained English speaker would not notice them until later.
As Margaret said to Richard in Richard III,
 The worm of conscience still begnaw thy soul!
 Thy friends suspect for traitors while thou liv'st,
 And take deep traitors for thy dearest friends.
 No sleep close up that deadly eye of thine
 Unless it be while some tormenting dream
 Affright thee with a hell of ugly devils.
 Thou elvish-marked, accursed, rooting hog!
 Thou that was stamped in thy nativity
 The slave of nature and the son of hell.
 Thou slander of thy heavy mother's womb,
 Thou loathed issue of thy father's loins,
 Thou rag of honor, thou detested [insert name here]

Thou lewd guts-griping jack-a-nape!

eg, check out the Elizabethan curse generator on http://www.tower.org/insult/

A dervish and his disciple were walking down a dirt road. Suddenly, from behind them, they heard the sound of galloping horses, and dove into a ditch just in time to avoid being run down by a furiously driven chariot.

The dervish picked himself up, shook his fist at the rapidly departing chariot, and shouted, "May all your deepest desires be satisfied!"

"Why do you say that, master?" asked the disciple.

"If his deepest desires were satisfied," said the dervish, "do you think he would be out running dervishes into ditches?"

Really old, but still amusing quote from bash:
[+TomHung] so a guy walks into a bar with a monkey
[+TomHung] i forget the rest of the joke, but your mom's a whore

Reportedly Ancient Chinese Curse: May you live in interesting times.
The Pratchett Varient: May you live in interesting pants.
May you only predict obvious things. May all your predictions be wrong and may everyone believe you. (Reverse Kassandra curse)
May a duck kick you.
Thou glass-gazing, super-serviceable, finicial rogue!

Thou whoreson cullionly barbermonger!

Thou whoreson zed! Thou unnecessary letter!

-King Lear

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.

-Ancient Arabic Curse, by way of MarissaQuitt

"'May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense'"

- Pratical Demonkeeping by Christopher Moore, Chapter 5, page 40

"Then they blundered into a patch of curse-burrs. The things were all over their legs, itching incessantly. There was only one way to get rid of such a burr; it had to be banished by a curse. The problem was, no particular curse could be used twice in a day; each had to be different. ... By the bloody mouths of a field of wild snapdragons, drop your ugly purple posteriors into the nearest stinking privy, sidewise!..." -- The Source of Magic by Piers Anthony, pages 91-92, chapter 5

(I'm a bit confused really, because the characters seemed to use almost exclusively commands, threats, and insults. "By the snout of a sick sea serpent, begone!", "To the grave with you, prickleface!", "Go itch a dragon!" sound like commands rather than curses to me. As m-w.com describes curse, "a prayer or invocation for harm or injury to come upon one". I.e. seems like the phrasing needs to be different than a directive. Not 'tie your shoes' but 'may your shoes be tied' or 'I call upon the spirits of a hundred bitter grandfathers to attack your shoe laces with spiked walking sticks so that they become tangled in a gorgon's knot'. I.e. 'may this happen to you' not 'please do this yourself'. I.e. 'I banish you' rather than 'begone'. Could someone please straighten me out here? Do the above count as curses?)

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Last edited February 27, 2009 1:15 (diff)