Ryan: KaijuBooska |

A math professor at CGU, teaching Math 181 as of Spring 2012. During each class, he spends 40 minutes reading directly from the book that he wrote, 30 minutes expanding on an example before he gets distracted and talks about absolutely nothing, and 5 minutes staring into space. It gets hilarious if you copy down all of the wonderful things he says. For example, if he is talking about iterative functions, he will never say the words 'iterative function' but instead tell you about how he likes boats more than planes. He will not give you the definition of chaos, just tell you that it is really hard.

There is also this one really loud guy in the class, who, when combined with ProfessorMartelli's forgetfulness, turns the class into a jumbled mess that is even less related to Dynamical Systems than it was before.

QUOTES:

"... And on the oranges, kids, on the oranges they measured 14 whiteflies per square inch. They didn't measure in the air, the entomologists. They didn't measure in the air. Anyway, they measured 14 per square inch, and you could look under the leaves and see them- they were alive, or they were dead- and there were 14 per square inch. On average. But then they fixed it and there were only 2 per square inch. You looked under the leaves and saw only 2. Now 2 is better than 14, but you can't get rid of them all. No, kids, you can never completely get rid of them. That is reality. There were 2 instead of 14 per square inch, is what the entomologists measured..." (FOR 45 MINUTES)

"This is Anne, she is a biology major. My wife is also Anne, but she is definitely not a biology major. She is a philosophy major. She is not a biology major, so that is not her." (said two different times in two different classes)

"Your blood...if you measure it, one day it's eleven, another day it's NOT eleven."

"If you are in the hospital, your blood goes away. In general it goes away."

"The TeX is different from the Microsoft." (at least once per class)

- at leastthree timesper class

"Not always I get it, the email. I have a Mac, unfortunately, and that is all the Mac, unfortunately."

Martelli: *A* has to fit the equation *CA=AB*.

*writes CA=AB on board*

Martelli, later: Now the equation it has to fit is *CA=AB*.

*writes CA=AB on the board a foot above the first CA=AB*

"When it's easy, it's too complicated. It's too simple."

"I do not know whether the book is correct. I hope it is correct." (HE WROTE THE BOOK.)

*yelling* "*C* CAN ONLY BE IN THE INTERVAL (0, 1)! CAN IT BE GREATER THAN 1? NO! CAN IT BE LESS THAN ZERO? NO! CAN IT BE 1? NO! CAN IT BE ZERO? NO!"

"The distance between CGU and my house is... 30... but in Euclidean norms and you have to go on the roads! YOU CANNOT USE THE EUCLIDEAN NORMS. YOU HAVE TO GO ALONG THE ROADS."

"If you go to Italy, you fly. I am from Florence. I like boats."

"If you go up, you go east! *(points east)* No, you go west."

*According to Prof. Martelli, the first prime number is 3.*

"I don't know what he was thinking, because he was Russian."

"I asked a friend of mine about the proof that two polynomials are different. I consulted another book. He is in University of Texas."

*pauses*

"I knew that."

"A chaotic function is one that messes up everything."

"Note arcsin is invertible. Where? Because the sine is oxcillating... Invertible? Where? You have to ask where?"

(Handing back homeworks, which don't count towards our grades yet) "Next time, I will really grade them. This time, I closed an eye, both eyes, and that was it. I closed both eyes."

*On the homework:* Prove that a set that contains all of its limit points is closed.

"The boundary is the intersection of the set with its complement."

- boundary is the null set always

*Prof. Martelli walks up to the board and writes the word 'VECTOR' in foot-high letters, and nothing else.*

Prof. Martelli: This requires continuity, but continuity is very hard. We will talk about that later.

Liz: Um, Prof. Martelli, everyone here has taken Analysis, right?

*Everyone nods*

Liz: So, we already all covered continuity in Real Analysis. We don't need to go over it again.

Prof. Martelli: Ok.

Prof. Martelli (at end of class): Ok, so next time we will do continuity.

Prof. Martelli: Now the Euclidean norm is the square root of the sum of *x_i* squared.

*He writes it on the board. Liz holds up three fingers.*

Prof. Martelli, later: The Euclidean norm is the square root of the sum of *x_i* squared.

*He writes it on the board. Liz holds up four fingers.*

- We interrupt this section to bring you some quotes from the really loud grad student who is convinced of LizSarapata's promiscuity!

Really loud guy: IT MIGHT WORK! BECAUSE THE ABSOLUTE VALUE OF X IS X^2 TIMES THE SQUARE ROOT OF X!

Really loud guy, in response to Prof. Martelli asking him to repeat something: YEAH, I *WONDER* IF YOU HAD BAD HEARING...

Really loud guy, being baffled by Prof. Martelli's Claremont phone number: IT IS WEIRD THAT YOU HAVE A 909 AREA CODE.

Really loud guy, in response to Prof. Martelli saying he has hip dysplasia: MY CAT HAD THAT. IT IS REALLY SERIOUS. YOU SHOULD GET THAT CHECKED OUT.

(Class is winding down, and Really Loud Guy has some questions about the homework) Really Loud Guy: I GUESS WE'D BETTER TALK ABOUT IT. CAN I HEAR SOME 'PEOPLE GETTING OUT' NOISES NOW?

*(In the middle of class)*

Prof. Jakes (he took over the class mid-semester): Now, to linearize thi---

Really Loud Guy: I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THAT IS GOING ON IN THIS CLASS. YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.

Prof. Jakes: Talk to me after class, okay?

*(After class)*

Really Loud Guy: I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. THIS IS TOO HARD FOR ME. JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO THAT WILL MAKE ME UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON. I JUST NEED SOMETHING TO DO. PLEASE HELP ME.

Prof. Jakes: Did you read Chapters 1, 2, and 3 of the Strogatz like I asked you to?

Really Loud Guy: NO... BUT I REALLY NEED HELP WITH THIS CLASS, AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING, AND YOU NEED TO GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO SO THAT I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, AND I AM GETTING SO FRUSTRATED.

Prof. Jakes: Okay, here's what we're going to do. First, read Chapter 1 of the Strogatz. Okay?

Really Loud Guy: OKAY.

Prof. Jakes: And then, when you understand that, read Chapter 2. Then Chapter 3. Agreed?

Really Loud Guy: OKAY.

*(Still betting he never opened the textbook...)*

*(Really Loud guy has spent every class period taking his shoes off, putting his feet on a chair and folding paper cranes.)*

Really Loud Guy: CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME THE NOTES? I DIDN'T TAKE ANY NOTES FOR THIS CLASS, AND IF I DON'T GET THE NOTES, I AM GOING TO FAIL THE COURSE. SO I REALLY NEED NOTES.

This was during an epic, 13-minute debate on when to have office hours, which everyone unanimously agreed should be Monday and Friday from 3:30 to 5 from the very beginning. It proves that Prof. Martelli's repetitive behavior is contagious. It represents the one and only time Liz started cracking up during the class.

Martelli: Ok, so my office is on College, and it was 736. *He writes 'College' on the board.* So yes, come see me in my office. (pauses, looks at board) What was my office again?

Ryan: 736.

Martelli: Right, 736. It was 736 on College. In (describes building), first door on the right.

Student: 736, first door on the right. Okay!

Martelli: So I said I would have office hours on Wednesday and Friday, but I cannot do that on Wednesday because there is a conference. I have to go to the conference. I cannot do office hours.

Student: Actually, Monday works for me...

Everyone else: Yeah, Monday works.

Martelli: So kids, I cannot have office hours on Wednesday. There is a conference... *for 5 minutes*

*after 5 more minutes of him repeating the days of the week over and over again, we finally settle.*

Martelli: *writing dates on board* Okay, so that is Monday from 3:30 to 5 and Friday from 3:30 to 5. It is Monday, yes?
Monday is good for everybody? Alright, Monday and Friday.

Really Loud Guy: I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR OFFICE IS.

Martelli: My office is on College, it is 7....

Martelli: ...

Ryan: 36.

Martelli: Yes, 736, right. On College.

Really Loud Guy: OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU THURSDAY.

*At this point, Liz completely loses it and is unable to breathe from silent laughter.*

Ryan: The office hours are Monday and Friday.

Really Loud Guy: OH.

Someone Else: Wait, so we have two homeworks and one is due on Monday and the other on Wednesday?

*Prof. Martelli assigns two homeworks each week, both due on Monday. He has stated this at least 5 times today and 5 yesterday.*

Ryan: One is due on Monday, and the other is also due on Monday.

Guy: Oh.