Everything I Needed To Know... I Learned From Television (Commercials)

(Note: All of these commercials were, in fact, produced by the company whose product is in question, even though my descriptions may cast a bad light on the product :-)

• You shouldn't eat Pizza Hut pizza, because it will make you a horrible basketball player.
• You shouldn't drink Sprite, because, if you do, Grant Hill will arrive to run circles around you.
• As things get warmer, they approach a state of atomic decay. (A Chef Boyardee commercial states that its product is "so hot, it's almost radioactive.")
• If you use Firestone tires, a beautiful woman will shun you and give you her dog to express her opinion of you.
• You shouldn't eat Butterfinger candy bars, because if you do, the parole board will deny your application.
• You shouldn't drink Pepsi, because, if you do, you'll cause a lot of noise and everyone will stare at you.
• You shouldn't eat at McDonald's, because your girlfriend will invite your entire geeky family along.
• Don't drink Bud Light, because you'll break your nose and knock yourself out on a great big pole.
• If you use Microsoft, you don't have jack.
• Hot coffee is hot, but it feels really good to pour orange juice on one's crotch. (Jack in the Box commercial).
• Don't eat at Weinerschnitzel, because your mother will entice you to take a plunge off of a tall bridge.

More examples will be added to this list as they come to me, of course. Comments? Questions? Is there a commercial which you feel deserves mention? Let me know!