LordOfTheReam

The Lord of the Ream

---

Contents

/BookI

• Prolog
• Happyville High- Where everyone is happy
• How the Ream Came To Frodo
• The Treachery of Platt
• Leaving Happyville
• Frodo & Sam meet Merry & Pippin
• Race to Bucklebury Blvd.
• At the Sign of Denny's
• Leaving Denny's
• Journey to Infinity
• Interlude
• Trolls in the Archives; Arwen's Arrival
• Race to the Quad; At the Courtyard

/BookII

• The race of crackwhores is failing
• The Heir of Momar
• Community-lrond
• Bilbo and Frodo meet before Frodo leaves
• Traversing Campus
• Ream on the Stairs
• A Journey in the Dark
• The Stairs of Khazad-dûm
• The pen is mightier...
• Resting at Garret House
• The Thesis of Galadriel
• The Dining Registraaargh
• The Breaking of the Wankership
• The Departure of Boromir

/BookIII

• The Taming of Smeagol
• Crossing Behind TG
• Platt vs Barad-Dûr, The Wildmen of West, The Burning of South
• The Three Hunters Meeting The Unicyclers
• Pippin and Merry Meet the Lizard Master
• The Deadalicious Marshes

/BookIV

• The Road to the Basement

/BookV?

/BookVI?

---

Characters:

• Elrond is a bitter senior.
• Frodo is a prefrosh who has been showing up at Mudd(le-earth) and taking classes. The profs don't realize he doesn't go here.
• Aragorn is a transfer student. He transferred to escape working so hard for you.
• Momar (Isildur) is Momar. He chose not to destroy the Ream so that he could control it for the purposes of becoming frosh class president (he was also president of Gondorm, the dorm of Crackwhores) but instead he found himself working so hard for you to reduce the Ream to managable levels that he was never seen again.
• Gandalf is an alum.
• Boromir is a sophomore crackwhore living in Gondorm. He has declared CS, but is secretly intrigued by Engineering.
• Legolas is a junior, but he is also a Permafrosh, unlike most of the Upperclassmen featured.
• Gimli is a squid.
• Saruman is probably those people who throw people's stuff away. Currently the head of Dining Services.
• Arwen is a bitter junior living in Rivendorm. Elrond was her frosh sponsor. Aragorn is her LDR.
• Pippin and Merry are two frosh who play Chessers all the time.
• Sam is a frosh who is hosting Frodo during his stay.
• Bilbo is Frodo's older brother, currently living in Rivendorm. Was in Gollum's E4 group as a frosh and took on Gollum's workload when he dropped the class, thus acquiring the Ream.
• Nazgûl (Reamwraiths) are department chairs corrupted by the ream.
• Gollum is a frosh who took E4, then was forced to drop it. He was driven mad and remains drawn to the Ream. He should have graduated by now, but his constant failing of classes has given him an unnatural long stay as a frosh.
• Galadriel is a senior English major (off-campus at Scripps?) living in the Garrett House.
• Treebeard is the field station manager.
  • Alternatively; Treebeard could be one of the "good" deans (maybe Deren?) and the other Ents could be members of DOS and Academic Affairs (Dean Chris, Dean Sullivan, and so on . . .) That would tie in really well with the usurpation of the rest of Platt Campus Center by Dining Services.
    • I was basing mine off of having made Fangorn into BFS.
      • I can't imagine it'd be that hard to change; Merry and Pippin fleeing to Kingston seems workable enough. And stuff.
  • How about Treebeard=ProfessorAdolph
    • That would also work. We could always make the good Deans be ents as well... there are only 6 bio profs (only 2 or so of whom would ever be in BFS)... or the deans could be huorns. And I like having them end up in BFS. Among other things, it means the Registraaargh get attacked outside of the company's field of vision, so they don't know what happened to the froshlings. And it makes an attempt at natural... as opposed to anything on campus.
  • This is still bugging me. I REALLY prefer Treebeard as a Dean, as the Ents wiping out the Registraaargh works well if Kingston is Fangorn forest, and biologists (especially ones who control lizards) have no connection to Platt campus center at all. I know, in general we aren't looking for the "best" fit in every case, but I think Ents as Deans is the only really workable solution. I really want to rewrite the Treebeard scene and probably will soon unless discussion actually pops up here (which I would prefer, really, don't get me wrong). --DuctTapeGuy
    • Eh, I disagree. It works well to have Deans attack Platt, as you mention, but we haven't even written that part, and in the mean time we lose a lot of currently existing connections that are very appropriate, both plotwise and with the individual lines. I had in mind (one upon a time) for Gandalf to become the Dean of Fun now that he's dropped out of graduate school, so he can take out the Registraaargh at Helms deep. And yeah, the lizard thing is kinda random, but I felt we needed some new silly ways for people to fight that don't involve duct tape daggers or flame wars.
    • May i note that BSF is right across the road from Platt. It works geographically quite well. And its natural. And it lets us cast the bio profs as good guys in a sensible way. And, geez, do i really need another and? Who cares if they have no connection to Platt. The ents have no connection to Isengard either.
    • I was on the verge of fighting this to the death when I realized it SO isn't worth it. I'll play along, and maybe even squeeze a few laughs out of it myself. Just goes to show a few advantages of a group effort like this, even one so disorganized.

---

Contributors:

• StephGrush (The Race of Crackwhores is Failing, part of Community-lrond)
• AlexBobbs(Happyville High, Dennys, Galadriel, and parts of various other segments)
• JulieWortman (The Heir of Momar, Traversing Campus, much of How the Ream Came to Frodo, assorted revisions)
• EliBogart (Treachery of Platt, Flight to the Quad)
• MichaelVrable (LAC Lab)
• NickJohnson (Journey to Infinity, Resting at Garret House, crossing behind TG, Platt vs Barad-Dûr, The Wildmen of West, The Burning of South, The Three Hunters Meeting The Unicyclers, lots of edit)
• WillShipley (Ream on the Stairs (1st half), Dining Registraaargh, part of Breaking of the Wankership, Departure of Boromir, commentary)
• AlejoEnriquez (random embellishments)
• MicahSmukler (The pen is mightier...)
• ArielBarton (filling in the gaps in BookI?)

---

I place this here so someone other than me might one day contribute to it.

• I think your wish has been granted. --MichaelVrable
  • Overwhelmingly. --StephGrush

Movie version. Script model:

• [Fellowship of the Ring]
• [Two Towers]

If someone has a chance to go through and figure out what bits we've missed, that'd be cool too. Too bad I'm a bum. -StephGrush

I've decided that I actually want to go ahead and try to organise the creation of a LordOfTheReamRadioPlay --AlexBobbs

Heck, if all the places actually exist, if we were able to find a camera, we could do this as a movie... --PomonaSteve

• Good luck with that. *snerk*

---

Stuff we've missed:

Book I:

• Gandalf's Arrival at Bag End
• a bit at the beginning of the party
• large chunk of Bag End after the party ("I'm not trying to rob you" scene)
• Black Riders looking for the Shire (post-LoungeTerm? scene)
• The Destruction of Isengard

Book II:

Book III:

I propose a RESURRECTION! --DuctTapeGuy

---

Places and things that seem to be explicitly defined (for reference):

• Dwarves - Squids
• Elves - Upperclassmen
• Orcs - (Maybe Sauron's orcs are engineers and the Uruk-hai are F&M?)
• Ents - Biology Profs (so not allied with the ream)
• Gondorm - East Previously this was "crackwhores"; would that mean that they were all destined to ITR?
• Pelennor field?
• Isengard - Platt
• Mordor - AC End
• Prancing Pony - Denny's
• Rivendorm - A dorm of upperclassmen (probably one of the outer dorms Flight to the Quad suggests it's a quad dorm; we could change it)
  • Flight to the Quad suggests to me that the end of the quad dorms is a border to Rivendorm, so letting Rivendorm be Atwood would work perfectly well, in my opinion. --MichaelVrable
    • Well, they'd be going the wrong direction, but I suppose we are ignoring geography completely.
• Orodruin - Parsons (?)
• Barad-dur - Galileo McAlister? (Sprague would make more sense)
• Morannon - Kingston? Definitely Hixon Court.
• Cirith Ungol? Jacobs/Keck?? Shelob could be an evil chem prof
  • Hallway of Death?
• Minas Morgul? Olin? Dean Wettack's office is there. It would definitely be a secret way. too.
• The Shire- Happyville High, where all the frosh come from.
  • I've been filling some stuff in-I seem to have decided that Happyville High is a boarding school near Mudd, with suspiciously East-like dorms, that has been letting Bilbo have a room due to the housing shortage at Mudd.
• Bilbo's party-Dis-O.
• Moria - LAC (LAC Lab was once inhabited by squid until their frolicking drew the wrath of the math professors and engineering students)
• Balrog - a math prof (see notes below)
• Lothlorien - ? (see Galadriel above)
  • Has been suggested this is Brighton Park. Not too far away, isolated from the world. Plus, it has non-Platt food, which is much more nourishing, and will sustain the hobbits on their journey. (This is Steph's/Julie?'s idea. Actually, see next section.) --MichaelVrable
    • Maybe Lothlorien is Padua Terrace (I think that's nearer to campus and to the LAC, and may work better...anyway, we're just going to refer to it as Lothlorien in the text, right? Right?) --JulieWortman
      • Scripps Rose Garden Anyone? And then 12th St. can be the river on the journey to Mordor.
        • Perhaps; though if Lothlorien were Brighton Park, then the "Great River" could be Foothill.
• Rohan? (Helmsdeep + Dunharrow esp important... actually, with that rumored underground passage... perhaps dunharrow should be East)

• We suggested that men of Rohan could be CS Staff. But no real basis that I can remember. I made Rohan South in the LAC passage ("we make for the Gap of South"), since it is close to Platt. Hmm...maybe Ents come from the little xeriscape garden thing between North and South? Don't mind me, I'm just acting crazy from the SleepDep. --MichaelVrable
  • The reason for considering Rohan as CS staff was to cast Shadowfax as Turing, because of Asfaloth. And because if computers are horses, Rohan would fry... But whatever: South makes perfect sense, and we probably don't have to worry about Shadowfax for a few eternities anyway. --StephGrush
    • Maybe Shadowfax is South's big tall unicycle (the Giraffe, right?)
      • South would also allow the fields they chase Orcs in to be the one between the pool and west.

---

Tentative equivalents of places, characters, things not explicitly mentioned (feel free to change as seems appropriate):

• Tom Bombadil - Crazy guy who takes too many units, yet remains froshy and unaffected by the Ream.
  • Except for the whole not-in-the-movie thing. Oh well.
• Misty Mountains - the parking lots behind the LAC (Saruman calls forth construction and impedes the Wankership's progress across them) This could also be Mt Baldy, since we're ignoring geography anyway
• Lothlorien - An off-campus apartment complex, home to a dwindling population of upperclassmen who are permanently off the meal plan. (or else GarrettHouse?, or something)
• Ithilien - the Quiet Place (complete with Forbidden Pool!)
• The Grey Havens - ? The east coast, to destroy Geography completely!! Or, LA. What about Kingston court, at graduation? Since the elves are upperclassmen, and Gandalf is an alumnus who has come back, having them walk and "pass into the west" might be appropriate.
• The Eye - (a frequency spectrum)? Definitely the j
• The Black Speech - Fur Elise
• Swords - Boffers, or duct tape daggers? Or both?
• Helm's Deep = 2nd story South lounge? Or something. I prefer the Basement/laundry room. Makes much more sense.
• Faramir - Sophomore crackwhore CS major, once part of the Gondorm proctor's sponsor group. Roommate of Boromir. All bummed 'cause he didn't get to do community-elrond. Now spends lots of time in the Quiet Place thanklessly tutoring Stems.

---

Gimli's weapon should so be a GrapefruitSpoon?, with some GSoIP? as ranged weapons. --NickJohnson

• C'mon, Gimli's weapon should *so* be a battleaxe. With a battleaxe. GSoIP? should be the chosen weapon of upperclassmen! You know it to be true ;)
• oh, and someone should have a flamethrower. Or a Projectile Fruit Launcher.

I have a petition for assistance; I need a good analogy for Lurtz (the Uruk-Hai captain). Saruman is the head of Dining services, the Uruk-Hai are a cross between Pitzoids and F&M. What is Lurtz, then? For purposes of story, I'd like him to be capable of dispensing both LGNs and summoning large amounts of Mudd-level coursework. One of the more difficult Pitzer profs, perhaps? Or the registraaaaargh? --WillShipley

• I made the Uruk-Hai totally randomly; they were one of the bits that I was less happy with, though with my not-so-original-since-I-had-it-later idea of saruman as F+M (now changed to Dining Services) they worked. Anyway if you want to change that please go ahead. It was totally random.
• Whoever is responsible for the mangling of "registraar" above (not me) is a beautiful person, whom I will love until my dying day. Here is a thought; if Saruman is Dining Services, what happens when he annexes DOS and the Registaar's office, gaining control of academic affairs? This also gives us the opportunity to make Kingston into Fangorn . . . Ahhh; Finks, Cave, and Chris . . . goooooood, all have arrived . . . --again, WillShipley
  • I can't say I'm fond of using BFS for Fangorn. I think Kingston should be Fangorn, as it can be an impenetrable forest of bureaucracy, ageless compared to even the upperclassmen, and inhabited by those who would rather let the world around them be, but when roused to fury at the encroachment of Dining services, unstoppable with ultimate employer power. I'd write it myself but I'd screw it up, due to my UBER sleep dep. --AlejoEnriquez
    • Let the world around them be? Clearly you haven't spent nearly enough time in Kingston. Kingston never lets anything be. Fourth floor sprague are the only people on campus who let things be, but they don't ever have to agree on anything. --One who is sad to have cause to know these things

D v arb admin decision... in brief, I chose Dean Wettack because who else would be the Witch King? He is in charge of the Dept chairs, he can't be a dept chair. It also amused me to stick a Levin reference in there. If you want to eliminate Wettack as the Witch King, and return it to the D thing, and make the grade thing make sense, do it. I already proposed this earlier, but i can't think of anyone else who should/could be the witch king. I can see i'm the only one who cares for the newer version, but i'm not going to change it back because i can't make it make sense. Stop wanking at me and change it already. --NickJohnson

• Changed, finally, but I thought of it in the shower, so it may suck. Also: "Frodo... I am your advisor." "Nooooo!"
• Eli says: The arbitrary administrative decision wins in real life, but... (heh. I want to grade arbitrary admin decisions. -StephGrush)

I'm curious: what was the rationale for making the Lothlorien elves into hum majors? (Also, are we sticking with High Elves => bitter upperclassmen and not-high elves => permafroshy upperclassmen?) It seems more in keeping with [something] that they'd be bitter tech majors like those in Rivendorm, only off the meal plan. That, and I'm amused at the idea of Galadriel talking about what an evil grader she'd be if she had the power of the Ream--that'd be a bit harder to pull off if she were a hum major. --JulieWortman

• Elves of Lothlorien are Green Elves (With the exception of Galadriel, which is why she is a transfer student). Thus they should be permafroshy upperclassmen like Legolas i guess (given that they are Legolas's kin. Elves of Imladris are Noldor and Sindar, and are bitter upperclassmen. Hope that makes sense. (There's no reason to distinguish Noldor from Sindar in LotR? because its only relevant in the Silmarillion)
  • Okay. So why are they hum majors?
    • I dunno. It just seemed to fit somehow. Possibly because of the line about "under her spell". Not something I'm at all attached to.-MicahSmukler

• The Hum major thing isn't my creation, but I have to say that I like it. If nothing else, it seems to bring in some new ideas.--AlexBobbs
• well, i had suggested Scripps students above, but no one seems to want them to travel to any of the other 5Cs. --NickJohnson

Is it just me, or is this script asking for some horrific pun involving the Riemann hypothesis at some point? Unfortunately, it doesn't make sense in the HDP Moody scene...-MicahSmukler

I came up with a crazy idea that would probably take up way too much time. Anyone want to make a radio-play (or whatever you call them) of this when we're done writing? I'd actually volunteer to do the editing and sound effects and stuff if people are interested. --AlexBobbs

• excellent... would it matter that i'm in Chicago in terms of me participating? --NickJohnson
  • If it gets read in the LOTRaThon, that's matter for that. Otherwise, no. And if we're doing a 'real' radio play, with actual reading stuff until we like it, then I don't see any reason to worry about location.
  • For what I had in mind, it wouldn't matter, as long as people can arrange to record themselves into .wav files and such. Ack, why am I still up?--AlexBobbs
    • Because you are a crackwhore. It is Written.
      • Ah, damn, you're right. I am a crackwhore! Although my crack has taken on a very different form lately...

So has anyone else noticed that Elrond was there when Momar took the Ream 3 years ago, but Bilbo acquired the Ream from Gollum during E4 at least 4 years ago? Yay consistency? --NickJohnson I just wrote Galadriel as an upperclassman at least three years ago. Chronology? I hardly! You are playing with [baleeted!]

• Speaking of consistency, I think I just dealt the final blow to Geography :P
  • errr... how? (i don't see a recent edit from you that has anything to do with geography, Stephx0?|2 -N
    • You can now travel through Schmack archives. Not to mention from Schmack archives to Rivendorm. I'm a bad person. ^.^

So here's a question, where do we draw the lines for books 3/4 and 5/6? There's a handy division available in where the two-disc extended edition splits, but I don't remember where that is now... --DuctTapeGuy