The Simpsons
Matt Groening's creation produces as much laughter each day as most new sitcoms generate in their entire lifetime. Collected here are some of the most memorable (well, IMHO, anyway) quotes from a memorable television series.
- The Simpsons Themselves
- Bart
- "Hey, look! A really small dog just fell out of Santa's girlfriend!"
- "I can't believe it! You actually found a practical use for geometry!" -- to Lisa, while playing miniature golf
- "It looks like he's trying to jump over her, but he can't quite make it."
- "It's time for me to bend over and meet my destiny."
- "Ohh... my ovaries!" (needing an 'illness' to skip a test)
- "Oh my God! The dead have risen, and they voted for Bob!"
- "There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy."
- "You cry when you get a remainder when you're doing long division." -- to Milhaus
- Grandpa
- "Fact is, I invented kissing. It was during World War I. They were looking for a new way to spead germs..."
- "Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions."
- "Oh yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts... and this guy's completely out of his mind! We can't lose!" -- to Bart, about the arms dealer.
- Homer
- "Barney's movie had heart, but 'Football in the Groin' had a football in the groin."
- "Bart, with $10,000... we'd be millionaires!"
- "Does whiskey count as beer?"
- "Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
- "Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!"
- "Heh heh heh heh heh. 'Where's the beef?' No wonder he won Minnesota." -- seeing the headline: Mondale to Hart: "Where's the beef?"
- "He's lucky, too, because it's spanking season, and I've got a hankerin' for some spankerin'."
- "Hey, what is this, the Spanish Exposition?"
- "The information superhighway shows the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek."
- "In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"
- "It only transports matter? Well... I'll give you thirty-five cents for it."
- "I've gone back to when dinosaurs lived outside the zoo!"
- "Marriage is like an orange. First you have the skin, they you have the juicy insides."
- "Mr. Burns... we can trust the president of Cuba."
- "No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-Tip"
- "Oh, and how is 'education' supposed to make me feel smart?"
- "Oh, don't give up, Moe. The girl of your dreams must be in some bar somewhere."
- "Oh, if only I knew more astrophysics! I wish I'd read that book by that wheelchair guy." -- visiting the Third Dimension
- "OK, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I only need one..."
- "Sixty-four slices of American cheese!"
- "Stupid poetic justice."
- "Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place... this lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit!"
- "Well, of course. Everything looks bad if you remember it."
- Lisa
- " Wow, you can see into the... present."
- Lisa's double
- "I'm Lisa, preppy, blonde and stunning; sophomore prom queen -- five years running!"
- Marge
- "Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear."
- "The courts may not work anymore, but as long as everyone's videotaping everyone else, justice will prevail."
- "Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls."
- "If someone were to break into the house and do laundry, it could start a fire!"
- "The way I see it, if you've raised three children who can knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger, you've done something right!" -- to Homer
- The Supporting Cast
- Sideshow Bob
- "Be careful! There's hydroelectricity in there!"
- "Now, honestly, do they give a Nobel Prize for 'attempted chemistry?' Well, do they?"
- Montgomery Burns
- "What good is money if you can't inspire terror in people?"
- Ned Flanders
- "Now, Tod, don't scare the president."
- Barney Gumbel
- "All I remember abou tthe last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner."
- "Yeah... you should always drink to enhance your social skills. ::burp::"
- Boozehound at Moe's
- "Heh... nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away."
- Miss Hoover
- "This is nothing but dead white male bashing from a P.C. thug."
- Lisa's friend at the Flanders' beach house
- "You taught us about cool things like nature, ... and why we shouldn't drink seawater!"
- Lisa's would-be pre-school teacher
- "Over 75% of our graduates go on to first grade."
- Reverend Lovejoy
- "Can you believe it? They give us five Q's but only two U's!"
- Nelson
- "Hey Bart, your epidermis is showing."
- Playdude magazine
- "Our unabashed dictionary defines I.U.D. as 'love springs internal.'"
- Mayor Quimby
- "We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it."
- "Very well. If that is the way the winds are blowing, let no one say that I do not also blow."
- Radioactive Man executive
- "This place must be hot. They don't need a big ad... or even correct spelling!"
- Lieutenant Montgomery Scott
- "It's no good captain; I can't reach the controls!" -- while vastly overweight, in Star Trek XII: So Very Tired
- Wayland Smithers
- "I think women and semen don't mix."
- Television, after all programming was shut off
- "Do not attempt sexual relations. Years of TV radiation have left your genitalia withered and useless."
- Chief Wiggum
- "No, no... dig up, stupid."
- "Yeah, everyone knows angels, but who's ever heard of a 'Neanderthal?'"
- Ralph Wiggum
- "Bushes are nice because they don't have prickers. Unless they do."
- "I beat the smart kids! I beat the smart kids!... (oof)... I bent my wookie."
- "I found a moon rock in my nose."
- "Miss Hoover, which one is oral?"
- "Slow down, Bart. My legs don't know how to be as long as yours!"
- "When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar."
- Kirk van Houten
- "It's dignity, gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it?"
- Woman in audience at Sideshow Bob's parole hearing
- "No one who speaks German can be an evil man."
- Yale recruiter
- "Let's just say this... he spelled 'Yale' with a six." -- about Larry Burns
- Dialogues
- "And, incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genatalia." -- Mr. Burns
"I thought I did!" -- Marge (whispered to Homer)
- "Come on, Marge. Don't you think you deserve as much money as a man for doing the same job?" -- Marge's co-student in high school
"Well... not if it involves heavy lifting or math..."
- "Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to [sic]" -- Lisa, to Homer
"Yeah, that's what they do in Russia!" -- Bart
- "Homer, I've got someone here who can help you." -- Marge
"Batman?" -- Homer
"No, it's a scientist."
"Batman is a scientist!"
- "I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of [sic]." -- Marge
"Like a billboard that says 'No Fat Chicks?'" -- Homer
- "Now is the winter of our discontent." -- Bart
"Oh no! Run!" -- Ralph
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J. Nathaniel Sloan
Last modified: May 18, 1998