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(To the best of my knowledge, the Quiet Place is next to Olin where the water is... make of the geography what you will) |
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(The golf carts of the Registraaargh drive across Liquidamber Mall. Pippin tries to call to Merry, who is unconscious and has a nasty gash on his right brow.) Pippin: Merry. Merry! (He receives no response. Suddenly, a Registraaargh near the front puts up his hand and signals a stop.) Uglúk: What is it? What do you smell? Registraaargh: ''(He sniffs the air)' Squid. Pippin: (He speaks quietly to himself) Gimli! |
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(Aragorn is standing in the parking lot behind Parsons, looking for the golf carts of the Registraaaargh they are tracking. Nearby, Eckert cackles maniacally as he chainsaws guinea pigs) |
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Uglúk: They've picked up our trail! Let's go! (The Registraaargh quicken their pace. Pippin struggles to reach his AIDS ribbon with his teeth. He then tears it off his t-shirt and drops it onto the ground. A wheel drives over the ribbon but it remains unbroken and visible in the grass.) (Later, Aragorn is standing in the parking lot behind Parsons, looking for the golf carts of the Registraaaargh they are tracking. Nearby, Eckert cackles maniacally as he chainsaws guinea pigs) |
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(The golf carts of the Registraaargh drive across Liquidamber Mall. Pippin tries to call to Merry, who is unconscious and has a nasty gash on his right brow.) Pippin: Merry. Merry! (He receives no response. Suddenly, a Registraaargh near the front puts up his hand and signals a stop.) Uglúk: What is it? What do you smell? Registraaargh: ''(He sniffs the air)' Squid. Pippin: (He speaks quietly to himself) Gimli! Uglúk: They've picked up our trail! Let's go! (The Registraaargh quicken their pace. Pippin struggles to reach his AIDS ribbon with his teeth. He then tears it off his t-shirt and drops it onto the ground. A wheel drives over the ribbon but it remains unbroken and visible in the grass.) |
The Taming of Smeagol
(While Sam and Frodo pretend to be distracted by an amusing poster advertising "College Chicks Easy", Gollum sneaks up on them, while muttering to himself)
Gollum: Those frosh! The filthy little frosh! Shower them! We hates their froshiness (and their tendency to send lame-ass forwards to shmack)! They studiesss from it! It's ours and we wants it!
(Suddenly, Frodo and Sam turn around and surprise Gollum. Reacting, Gollum trys to stump them with a nearly impossible engineering problem involving chaotic dancing frogs, but Frodo pulls out Bilbo's old study sheet)
Frodo: This is "Sting"...
Sam: You named your study sheet?! What kind of weirdo does that?
Frodo: Shut up, Sam. As I was saying, this is Sting. You've seen it before, haven't you, Gollum!
(Gollum cowers. Later, we see that they have given Gollum a set of Pchem problem sets to keep him out of trouble)
Gollum: It frustrates! It frustrates us! ProfessorVanHecke writes it!
Sam: It's no use, Mr. Frodo. His grasp of the Riedlich-Kwon gas law is all wrong. Let's just give him a "redo" and make him start over!
Gollum: No! Thats will demoralize us!
Frodo: Maybe he does deserve to fail. Now that I've seen him, I do pity him.
Gollum: We swears to serve the master of the precioussss. We swears on, on the precioussss!
Sam: He is trying to trick us! We let him come with us, he'll draw obscene pictures on us in our sleep!
Frodo: You know the door codes to get into Ac End?
Gollum: Yes.
Frodo: You've attended class there before?
Gollum: Yes.
Frodo: You will lead us to the Glass Doors.
(The golf carts of the Registraaargh drive across Liquidamber Mall. Pippin tries to call to Merry, who is unconscious and has a nasty gash on his right brow.)
Pippin: Merry. Merry!
(He receives no response. Suddenly, a Registraaargh near the front puts up his hand and signals a stop.)
Uglúk: What is it? What do you smell?
Registraaargh: ''(He sniffs the air)'
Squid.
Pippin: (He speaks quietly to himself)
Gimli!
Uglúk: They've picked up our trail! Let's go!
(The Registraaargh quicken their pace. Pippin struggles to reach his AIDS ribbon with his teeth. He then tears it off his t-shirt and drops it onto the ground. A wheel drives over the ribbon but it remains unbroken and visible in the grass.)
(Later, Aragorn is standing in the parking lot behind Parsons, looking for the golf carts of the Registraaaargh they are tracking. Nearby, Eckert cackles maniacally as he chainsaws guinea pigs)
Aragorn: Their pace has quickened. They must have smelled our squid. Hurry!
(He runs off)
Legolas: Come on, Gimli!
(He looks back at Gimli and then runs after Aragorn)
Gimli: (He pauses in his steps and huffs)
Three minutes of pursuit. No studying. No procrastinating. And no sign of our froshlings but what we can see of them in the golf carts.
(He runs after his companions)
(The Three Hunters run across pavement and mulch, with Aragorn in the lead, followed by Legolas and Gimli. From time to time, Legolas cracks a joke about Gimli getting a real tan rather than a screen tan. Aragorn suddenly bends down to pick up a a red ribbon)
Aragorn: Not idly do the reminders of AIDS victims fall.
Legolas: (He stops and turns to Aragorn)
They may yet be enrolled.
Aragorn: Less than a minute ahead of us. Come!
(He runs off again)
(Gimli stumbles out from behind a car and rolls down into TG firepit)
Legolas: Come, Gimli! We are gaining on them!
Gimli: (He is panting)
I am wasted on physical pursuit! We squids are natural flamers! Very dangerous over IP!
(The trackers run to the edge of the mulch and pause as they gaze across the grass beyond)
Aragorn: South's Lawn. Home of the unicycle-lords. There is something strange at work here. Some incompetence gives pot to these creatures, sets its will against us.
(Legolas runs ahead and looks out to the horizon)
Aragorn: Legolas, what do your still-froshy eyes see?
Legolas: The Registraaargh turn northeast.
They’re taking the frosh to Platt!
Aragorn: Saruman.
(The Tower of Rusto stands amidst the smoldering caverns of Platt. Saruman stands in the cafeteria web-conferencing with Stems, the Dark Course, by means of a web-cam)
Saruman: The curriculum is changing.
(The view changes to the Tower of Sprague, with its huge engineer army in Galileo Foyer)
Who now has the strength to stand against the Armies of Platt and Ac End? To stand against the Might of Academics and Dining Services, and the Union of the Two Administrations?
(The camera pans upwards along the height of the Tower of Sprague Library until the flaming J is in view)
Together, my lord Stems, we shall rule this Muddle Earth.
The old curriculum will burn in the fires of triviality. GPAs will fall. A new set of course notes will rise. We will drive the machine of suck with the lecture and the equations and the impossible exams of the engineer. We have only to ITR those who oppose us.
(Saruman stands in the midst of a gathering of the Wildmen of West)
Saruman: The unicyclers took your women. They drove-off your parties with noise complaints and forced you to find amusement with only wine coolers.
Westie: WIBSTR!
Saruman: Take back the fun they stole from you! Burn every piece of furniture!
Crowd: WIBSTR!!!!
(As Saruman stands coldly still among the stampede, the mob charges off to destroy the dorm of South)
(A South couch is in flames as southies try to escape the on-coming rampage)
Saruman: It will begin in South. Too long have these southies stood against you. But no more.
(A sponsor with her hand on a unicycler calls to her frosh)
Morwen: Éothain! Éothain! You’ll take your girlfriend. You’ll go faster with just two.
(Morwen is putting her onto the tallest unicycle in front of her boyfriend)
Freda: But the Dorm President says Éothain must not ride Garold, it is too big for him!
Morwen: Listen to me. You must ride to Baja suite and raise the alarm. Do you understand me?
Éothain: Yes!
Freda: (She is starting to cry)
I don’t want to leave! I don't want to go!
Morwen: Freda, I will find you there.
(A woman screams - do you really want to know what the westies are doing to her?)
Morwen: Quickly!
(The frosh ride off and she looks after them)
Go frosh!
(Westies and Registraaargh enter the dorm, burning furniture and hacking pillows, as the southies scream and run in all directions. Éothain and Freda weep as they look back from near the lounge)
Saruman: (He is speaking - once more - to Stems)
South, my lord, is ready to fall.
Eomer leads a troop of Unicyclers of South into Baja Suite carrying Theodred, once Frosh of Theoden. He is failing classes.
Eowyn: Running into Theodred's single Theodred ... She checks his progress reports and sees the LGNs
In Baja lounge
Eowyn: To Theoden, seated in a chair Your old sponsee is badly graded ...
Eomer: He was placed into Jedi Stems by Registraaargh. If we don't defend our transcripts, Saruman will take them by force.
Grima: That is a ModernMyth! (Moving out from the shadows) Saruman of Dining Services has ever been our friend and ally.
Theoden (depressed and trapped in a hypnotic daze): Grima? Grima? Purple Monkey Apple Carburator?
Eomer: Registraaargh are running the offices of the administration. Unchecked, unchallenged. Registraaargh bearing the white taco of Platt. (He drops an F&M uniform reeking of pot onto the ground, with a white taco emblazoned on the chest.)
Grima: Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can you not see your Proctor is wearied by your wanking? Your grade-mongering?
Eomer: Grade-mongering? (Shoving Grima against the wall) How long has it been since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price? When all had ITR'd you would take first pick in Room Draw?
Eomer notices Grima watching Eowyn leaving
Eomer:Too long have you tried to swoop my sister. Too long have you haunted her steps!
(Several Southies manhandle Eomer off of Grima)
Grima: You see much, Eomer son of the alum Eomund. Too much. You are denied draws into South forthwith, and may not return. Under pain of expulsion!
(The thugs drag Eomer out)
(The Registraaargh golf carts continue to drive through Liquidamber Mall with their captives)
(They halt a few minutes later)
Pitzoid: We're not going no further until our carts have more gas!
Uglúk: Pass out the drugs!
(As the Registraaargh and Pitzoids take their rest, Pippin crawls over towards Merry)
Pippin: Merry, Merry!
Merry: (He opens his eyes)
I think... we might have made a mistake leaving Happyville, Pippin.
(Some of the Pitzoids pick leaves from the trees nearby to make joints. Low groans and rumbles can be heard coming from across the street.)
Pippin: What’s making that noise?
Merry: ''(He looks across the street)
It's the lizards.
Pippin: What?
Merry: Do you remember the park? On Bucklebury Boulevard? Folk used to say that there was something in the water that made the lizards grow large....
Maúhur: I'm starving. We ain't 'ad nothin' but maggoty weed for three stinkin' minutes!
Pitzoid: Yeah. Why can’t we have some harder drugs?
(His eyes rest on Merry and Pippin)
What about them? They’re frosh.
Uglúk: They do not have drugs!
Grishnákh: Even in their pockets? They wouldn't need those. Ooh - maybe if they ITRed!
Uglúk: (He shoves at the Registraaargh)
Get back, scum!
(The other Pitzoids are getting restless)
Pitzoid: (He moves towards the frosh with his eyes rolling)
Just a mouthful.
(Pippin and Merry recoil in fright. Uglúk jumps on the Pitzoid and knocks him out.)
Uglúk: Looks like marijuana's back on the menu, boys!!
(The Pitzoids and Registraaargh cheer and started tearing into the fresh drugs. They are so busy digging into their unexpected stash that they are no longer keeping watch on the frosh.)
Merry: Pippin, let's go.
(With their hands still bound, the frosh try to crawl away. Suddenly, a foot comes down on Merry and Pippin is turned onto his back.)
Grishnákh: (He is brandishing a course catalog in front of Pippin's face)
Go on, call for help. Squeal! No one’s gonna save you now!
(Suddenly, Registraaargh fall. Mayhem ensues as Unicyclers of South burst into the camp and begin piling the Pitzoids.)
Merry: Pippin!
(He gestures for them to make their escape)
(The frosh try to escape from the pandemonium by going towards Foothill Boulevard, dodging fallen bodies and running feet. Suddenly Pippin turns onto his back and looks up to a unicycle wheel bearing down on him.)
Pippin: ARGH!!!
(He rolls over, avoiding the wheel)
(Merry and Pippin continue to crawl frantically away from the battle. They come on an abandoned golf cart piece, with a sharp edge turned upwards; they use it to cut their bonds.)
(With their hands (and now legs?) freed, the frosh run across Bernard Field Station, dodging around a car and trying to stay out of harm's way. As they flee, Grishnákh grabs Pippin by his pocket protector and hangs on.)
Merry: The pocket protector!
(Pippin removes his pocket protector and Grishnákh is left holding it)
Run!
(Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli see Unicyclers wielding boffers chase the golf carts past Platt in the direction of 12th St and out of view.)
(The Three Hunters are still chasing after the Registraaargh. It has been 4 minutes)
Legolas: The engines die. Pot-heads have been boffed this night.
(The camera pans over the campus, alternating between the band of Registraaargh and the Three Hunters giving chase. The trackers hear the sound of unicycles. Aragorn and company hide behind some foliage. A large group of unicyclers appears through the iron gates near Platt, peddling quickly, with their boffers waving. Aragorn comes out of hiding as they pass, followed by Legolas and Gimli)
Aragorn: Riders of South, what news from the Lounge?
(At a signal from Éomer, in the lead, the riders start to turn and head back towards the Three, surrounding them in ever-tightening circles. As they come to a stop, they point their boffers menacingly at them)
Éomer: What business do a permafroshy upper-classman, a transfer student and a squid have in South Lawn? Speak quickly!
Gimli: Give me your username, Unicyclemaster, and I shall give you mine.
(Éomer hands his boffer to another rider, and gets off his unicycle. Aragorn puts a hand on Gimli’s shoulder)
Éomer: I would flame you till your hair was burnt, squid, if you typed but a little better than a h4x0|2.
(Legolas, in a lightning fast move, points duct tape dagger at Éomer)
Legolas: You would be denied system privileges before your ctrl-x key-stroke fell!
(The riders all point their boffers closer to the travelers. After a tense moment, Aragorn pushes down Legolas’ arm)
Aragorn: I am Aragorn, heir of Momar. This is Gimli, once frosh of Gloin and Legolas, of the permafroshy Realm. We are friends of South and of Théoden, your Proctor.
Éomer: Théoden no longer recognizes friend from foe.
(He takes off his bike-helmet)
Not even his own suitee.
(The boffers are withdrawn)
Saruman has poisoned the mind of the Proctor and claims lordship over his dorm. My company are those loyal to South. And for that, we are denied draws by the South Dorm machine. The Platt Master is cunning. He walks here and there, they say, as an old Alum, hooded and cloaked. And everywhere his spies slip past our nets.
Aragorn: We are not spies. We track a party of Registraaargh north across 12th St. They’ve taken two of our frosh captive.
Éomer: The Registraaargh are having bad trips. We upturned their golf carts.
Gimli: But there were two frosh? Did you see two frosh with them?
Aragorn: They would be silly - unembittered to your eyes.
Éomer: We left none conscious. We piled the stoners and boffed them.
(He points to a writhing pile in the distance)
Gimli: They’re stoned?
Éomer: I am sorry.
(Legolas puts a hand on Gimli’s shoulder in grief. Éomer turns and whistles)
Éomer: Hasufel! Arod!
(Two unicycles are handed up)
May these unicycles bear you to better fortune than their former masters. Farewell.
(Éomer puts on his bike-helmet and gets back on his unicycle)
Éomer: Look for your frosh. But do not trust to hope. It has forsaken this campus.
(He calls to the Unicyclers of South)
We ride to East!
(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli look on as the Unicyclers go off. They then ride towards the sputtering golf carts. Gimli starts to shift through the writhing pile of stoners and pulls out a charred transcript and a duct tape dagger sheath)
Gimli: It’s one of their wee transcripts.
Legolas: (he bows his head and closes his eyes)
Hiro îth ab 'wanath... (look at how few units they had)
Aragorn: (He kicks a Registraaargh golf cart and yells)
REGISTRAAARRGGHH!!!
(He falls to his knees)
Gimli: We failed them.
(Aragorn looks to the side as a paper trail catches his attention)
Aragorn: A frosh lay here, and the other.
(Flashback: Pippin yells as he looks up and sees the wheel of a unicycle about to run him over. He rolls over, avoiding the wheel)
They crawled.
(Aragorn starts to follow the trail, with Legolas and Gimli behind him)
(Flashback: Merry and Pippin crawl frantically away from the battle)
Aragorn: Their hands were bound.
(Flashback: Merry rubs his ropes furiously against the sharp edge of a golf cart part on the ground)
Their bonds were cut.
(Aragorn holds up a fragment of duct tape)
They ran over here and were followed.
(Flashback - to a longer scene of the Frosh's escape)
The tracks lead away from the battle...
(The Three break into a run and then stop at the open gate of BFS)
...into Bernard Field Station.
(They look up into a dense and dark field station)
Gimli: BFS. What madness drove them in there?
(Merry and Pippin run into the Bernard Field Station, seeking to lose the Registraaargh that has been pursuing them. They collapse onto the ground, out of breath)
Pippin: Did we lose him? I think we lost him.
(Suddenly, Grishnákh the Registraaargh appears from behind the trees, brandishing a revised schedule which has them placed in sections that all meet at the same time)
Registraaargh: I’m gonna mess up your filthy little schedules! Come here!
(Merry and Pippin run and try to hide behind a tree. Pippin manages to hide, but Grishnákh catches Merry. As Pippin watches in horror, he suddenly notices that lizards have crawled onto his shoes)
ProfessorAdolph: Hey...
Pippin: Argh!!
Grishnákh: Let’s put an 8am in your coursework.
(Suddenly ProfessorAdolph commands his army of lizards to attack Grishnákh)
Pippin: Run, Merry!
(Merry tries to run away but he is blocked by the swarms of lizards)
ProfessorAdolph: Little Engineers!
Pippin: The treehugger is rambling!
ProfessorAdolph: Treehugger?! I am no treehugger. I am an Ecologist.
Merry: A lizard-herder! A professor of the biologists.
Pippin: And whose side are you on?
ProfessorAdolph: Side? I am on nobody’s side, because nobody’s on my side, little Engineer. Nobody cares about biology anymore.
Merry: We’re not Engineers. We’re Frosh!
ProfessorAdolph: Frosh? Never seen a frosh show up to class before. Sounds like Engineering mischief to me!
Merry: No, you don’t understand. We’re Frosh! First-years! Undeclared!
ProfessorAdolph: Maybe you are and maybe you aren’t. The White Administrator will know.
Pippin: The White Administrator?
Merry: Saruman.
The Deadalicious Marshes
(Frodo, Sam, and Gollum approach a waterlogged lawn in front of Galileo.)
Gollum: See, see! We have led you out! Hurry froshlings, hurry. Very lucky we find you!
(Sam's foot slips in the muck)
Sam: Woah! It's a bog! He's lead us into an overwatered lawn!
Gollum: A lawn, yes, yes. Come, master. We'll take you on safe paths through the smog. Come, froshlings, come. We must move quickly.
I found it, I did. The way through the lawn. F+M doesn't use it. F+M doesn't know it. They go round for yards and yards. Come quickly. Swift and quick as townies stealing stuff we must be.
(The lawn stretches as far as the sleep-depped eye can see. The froshlings and Gollum appear as little blurs. As the three pick their way gingerly across the flooded lawn, they see faces floating just underneath the surface of the water, still, rotting, and garnished with parsley, and little signs advertising dining hall food about the lawn)
Sam: There are deadalicious things in the water!
Gollum: All dead. All rotten. Crackwhores and potheads and your mom. They all O.D'd long ago. The Deadalicious marshes. Yes... yes, that is the name. This way. Don't read the signs.
(Sam's foot slips again into the water)
Sam: Ewww!!
Gollum: Careful now, or froshlings go down to join the deadalicious ones and advertize dining hall food of their own.
(Frodo is drawn to one of the faces basted like a turkey. He stares at it intently, until suddenly its eyes open. Frodo falls in a swoon, face-down into the muck.)
Sam: Frodo!
(Frodo is in the water and sees many faces of the deadalicious, no longer still, but laughing and trying to eat him, their rotten garnish and sauce flowing around their gruesome faces. Their spoons are reaching for him. Suddenly, he is grabbed from behind. Frodo sputters and gasps for air as Gollum pulls him out of the water)
Frodo: Gollum...
Gollum: Don't read the signs! (He crawls away)
(Night, close to sunrise. Sam is asleep, but Frodo is still awake. He is holding the Ream and reading it carefully, mesmerized. Suddenly he hears Gollum.)
Gollum: Sooo dense. Sooo complicated.
(Frodo quickly puts the Ream back inside his pack. He looks up to see Gollum crouching away from him, stroking the center of his palm as though tracing lines in a text.)
Gollum: Our preciousss...
Frodo: What did you say?
Gollum: Master should be resting. Master needs to stay coherent.
Frodo: (Moving to crouch in front of Gollum) Who are you?
Gollum: Mustn't ask us. Not is business. rm -rf *
Frodo: Gandalf told me you were one of the townfolk.
Gollum: Bored be hand and head and ToME. Bored be travellers far from dorm.
Frodo: He said your first year was a sad story.
Gollum: They do not see what lies ahead, when Odin's down and Turing dead.
Frodo: You were not so very different from a frosh once, were you... Smeagol?
Gollum: (Looking up slowly) What did you call me?
Frodo: That was your name once, wasn't it? A long time ago.
Gollum: My name.... S...smeagol...
(Suddenly, the droning voice of a Reamwraith is heard overhead)
Sam: Black Riders!
Gollum: Hide! Hide!
(Frodo is paralyzed, feeling the pain of the D on his transcrypt. The Nazgul appears, riding a Black Helicopter.)
Sam: I thought they were washed up!
Gollum: Washed up? No, you cannot end their careers. No.
(There is a droning lecture from above. Gollum cowers.)
Gollum: Deans! Deans on choppers! They are calling for it. They are calling for the Precioussss.
Sam: It's okay, Mr. Frodo, it's alright, I'm here.
(The helicopter eventually drones away)
Gollum: Hurry, froshlings, Hixon Court is very close.
(Scene: at Bernard Field Station again)
Gimli: (Picks a piece of paper off the ground, reads it, spits) Ptui! A Change of Schedule form!
Aragorn: There are strange tracks.
Legolas: This Field Station is old. Very old. Full of memory ... and anger.
(Spooky groans echo through the field station)
Gimli: What?? (Gimli flips open his laptop, and starts a flurry of typing)
> ssh bfsusers.hmc.edu
>gimli@bfsusers.hmc.edu's password:
Welcome to the Bernard Field Station!
> who -q | finger -l > more
Legolas: The Senior thesis projects are speaking to each other!
Aragorn: Gimli! Lower your wpm!
Gimli: (Looks around, realizes, and nods)
Legolas: Aragorn, nad nâ ennas! (Something is out there and I feel the need to say it in a way that enhances my mystique!)
Aragorn: Man cenich? (Oh yeah?)
Legolas: The White Administrator approaches...
Aragorn: Do not let him speak, he will convince us of something.
(Legolas palms his ITR Dagger, Gimli lowers his hands onto his laptop keyboard, and Aragorn prepares a series of logical arguments)
Aragorn: We must be quick.....
(All three simultaneously turn and attack. They are immediately blinded by the bright light of funding, but Gimli blind-types in a deadly hack, only to discover he has been disconnected from the server. Legolas throws his dagger, only belatedly realizing it has no effect once thrown, and Aragorn finds he cannot discuss academic terms with an Administrator who has not yet demonstrated interest in the topic. All three shield their eyes from the light)
White Admin: You are tracking the paths of two young frosh.
Aragorn: Where are they?
White Admin: They passed this way, about ten minutes ago. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?
Aragorn: Who are you? Show yourself!
(The White Administrator reveals himself to be Gandalf. The others stare in utter disbelief)
Aragorn: It cannot be. You fell...
Gandalf: Through mathematics, and computer science. From the lowest community college to the highest symposium, I fought with HDP Moody.
(Flashback: Gandalf and HDP Moody presenting findings to audiences great and small, each declaring that the other is a hack, a ripoff, and a fool. At last, a vote is cast, and HDP Moody falls into obscurity forever, but Gandalf's reputation has been savaged)
Gandalf: Obscurity took me, and I strayed out of thought and study. Stars wheeled overhead and every day was as long as a life-age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. (Gandalf is no longer known in the academic community, but the Board of Trustees are seen interviewing him) I've been sent back, until my task is done.
Aragorn: Gandalf!
Gandalf: Gandalf? Yes.... that is what they used to call me. Gandalf the Graduate Student. That was my name.
Gimli: Gandalf!
Gandalf: *I* am Gandalf the Dean of Students. And I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide.
Gandalf: One stage of your journey is complete, another begins. War has come to South Dorm. We must ride to Baja Suite with all speed.
(Outside BFS, Gandalf collects his Unicycle, a magnificent six-foot-tall affair)
Legolas: That is one of the Giraffes, unless my eyes are cheated by some SleepDep.
Gandalf: (smiling) Shadowfax. It is the lord of all Unicycles, and has been my ride through many hallways.
(Inside BFS, Adolph is leading Merry and Pippin through the Field Station)
ProfessorAdolph: My lab lies deep within the Field Station near the old Infirmary. I told Gandalf I would keep you safe and safe is where I’ll keep you. The senior thesis projects have grown wild and dangerous. Anger festers in their forgotten hearts. They will harm you if they can. There are too few of us now. Too few of us Biologists left to manage them.
(Outside Hixon Court, Frodo, Sam, and Gollum peer through the hedges at the entrance to Ac End)
Gollum: The Glass Doors of Ac End
Sam: Oh save us. My ol' sponsor'd have a thing or two to say if he could see us now.
Gollum: Master says to show him the way into Ac End, so good Sméagol does. Master says so.
Frodo: I did.
(Engineers are patrolling the doors, some of which are locked to prevent terrorist attacks)
Sam: That’s it then. We cannot get past that.
(A command is heard, and the doors are opened from the inside as a contingent of Pomona students seeking Mudd degrees in Engineering begin entering)
Sam: Look! The door, it's opening! I can see a way down.
(He moves closer to the stairs. Suddenly, noticing the presence of a large nude woman in the courtyard distracts him, and he slips onto the stairs)
Frodo: Sam, no!
Sam: Argh!!
(Frodo goes after Sam)
Gollum: Master!
(Frodo reaches Sam just as two Engineering Pomonkeys reach the top of the stairs searching for the source of the noise. Thinking quickly, Frodo pulls out an essay written by one of the Hum Majors of Garrett house. Before the Pomonkeys can raise any alarm, Frodo reads from the essay a combination of beautiful English and mind-numbing drivel, the exact sort of thing that Pomona students love. Satisfied after a few moments of recital, the Engineers turn back the way they came. Frodo and Sam prepare to try and run in the doors)
Frodo: I do not ask you to come with me, Sam.
Sam: I know, Mr Frodo. I doubt even these Scrippsie Essays will hide us in there.
Frodo: .... now!
(Just as they begin to run, Gollum catches them by their shirts and pulls them back)
Gollum: No! No, no master! They catch you! They catch you! Don’t take it to him! He wants the preciousss. Always he’s looking for it! And the preciousss is wanting to go back to him. But we mustn’t let Stems have it.
(Frodo tries to make a run for it)
Gollum: No! (He pulls Frodo back again) There’s another way. More secret. A dark way.
Sam: Why haven’t you spoken of this before?!
Gollum: Because Master did not ask!
Sam: He’s up to something.
Frodo: Are you saying there’s another way into Ac End?
Gollum: Yes. There is a combo, and some stairs, and then… a lab
(Frodo and Sam watch as the Glass Doors close. Gollum is stroking Frodo’s arm and burying his face in his jacket)
Frodo: He’s led us this far, Sam.
Sam: Mr. Frodo, no.
Frodo: He’s been true to his word.
Sam: No!
Frodo: Lead the way, Smeagol.
Gollum: Good Smeagol always helps.
(Outside South Dorm's Baja Suite)
Gandalf: Baja Suite and the Lounge of David X Marks. There dwells Theoden, Proctor of South, whose mind is overthrown. Saruman’s hold over Proctor Theoden is now very strong.
(In the Hall, Eowyn is kneeling before Theoden, holding his hand in hers)
Eowyn: Your sponsee, he has ITR'd. Proctor Theoden?
(Theoden just sits and stares ahead, his eyes clouded and unseeing)
Eowyn: Will you not visit him? Will you do nothing?
(Scene returns to Gandalf and company)
Gandalf: Be careful what you say. Do not look for welcome here.
(Eowyn is brooding in Theodred's empty single, as Grima enters)
Grima: Oh, he… he must have moved out sometime in the night. What a tragedy for the Proctor to lose his only sponsee
(He sits on the bed and puts a hand on Eowyn’s shoulder)
Grima: I understand his failing is hard to accept, especially now that your brother has deserted you
Eowyn: (jumps back and throws off Grima’s hand) Leave me alone, freak!
Grima: (Rises from the bed and moves ever closer to Eowyn) Oh, but you are alone! Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness. In bitter watches of the early morning, when all your life seems to shrink... and, you know, stuff
(He puts a hand on her cheek)
Grima: So fair, so cold, like an experiment in Modern Lab with Liquid Nitrogen
(long pause)
Eowyn: Were you paying attention at Orientation? Don't stalk the women!
Gandalf and company approach Baja Suite. Several Southies stop them.
Hama: I can not allow you before Proctor Theoden so prepared, Gandalf.
Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas unload their course notes and cheat sheets, but Gandalf clings to a set of comic-strip collections he's brought along.
Hama: Your books...
Gandalf: Oh, you would not part a bored alumnus of his reading material.
Hama shrugs apathetically, and opens the door to Baja Suite
Grima: Proctor, Gandalf the Graduate Student is coming. He is a wanker.
Gandalf: The silliness of your suite is somewhat lessened of late, Theoden Proctor.
Grima: He doesn't live in South!
Theoden (in a daze): Why should we invite you to our private parties, Gandalf Stormcrow?
Grima: A just question, my proctor. (He walks forward, trying to act all mysterious and weird) Late is the hour in which this-
Gandalf: Oh, shut the hell up! I have not passed Stems and P-Chem to argue with a lame-o suck-up!
Gandalf reveals his secret weapon...
Grima: Sluggy Freelance! I told you to take the alumnus' crack!
Gandalf: Theoden, too long have you withered in depression. Hearken to me! I distract you from your worries.
Theoden (in Saruman's voice): Hahahaha! You have no enrollment here, Gandalf the Graduate Student.
(Gandalf tears off his scraggy used grad-student clothes and reveals the suit of a Dean. Theoden cowers in its brilliance as Gandalf reads.)
Gandalf: "And so, Secret Agent Princess Princess..."
Theoden: If I go, Theoden ITRs!
Gandalf: "And then, Darth Tater says..."
Theoden: South is mine!
(Gandalf reaches the punchline of a strip and Theoden bursts out laughing, free from Saruman's depressive influence)
Theoden: Gandalf?
Gandalf: Breathe the smoggy air again, my friend.
Theoden: Dark have been my dreams of late.
Gandalf: Your fingers would remember their old strength better... if they grasped your controller.
(Theoden reaches out and picks up his modded GameCube controller and the Southies cheer. After a moment his vengeful gaze is set upon Grima, who trembles)
Grima: Send me not from your suite!
(Theoden prepares to challenge Grima to a game of Super Smash Brothers Melee when Aragorn intercedes)
Aragorn: No, good Proctor! Let him be. Enough blood has been spilled on his EverQuest? account. We know how badly he sucks at computer games.
Grima: Theoden will not stay at Baja Suite. It’s vulnerable, he knows this. He will expect an attack on the lounge. They will flee to the Laundry Room, the great underground fortress of south. It is a dangerous road to take through the courtyard. They will be slow. They will have girlfriends and frosh with them.
(Saruman’s eyebrows rise in response. He walks through the depths of Platt and gives orders to a Westie)
Saruman: Send out your skateboard riders
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