[Home]FredQuotes

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Stuff said on FredtheFriendlyFruton. Newer stuff is at the top. Chronicles sections are anachronistic this way, though (earliest first, within chronicles).

KatyAnderson: <while giving AricHunter advice about eating babies in a pediatric ward> "You don't wanna eat dem babies. Dem babies have something wrong wid dem."


SamGutekunst: <while signing up for a class> "Audrey, you lied. There are only 13 seats left, not 14."
AudreyMusselmanBrown: "Sam, there were 14 left -- and then *I* signed up!"
SamGutekunst: "... I know."


Chronicles of the Eve of Eastmas, 2011. Fred now smells vaguely of eggnog and good cheer. It sickens him.

AudreyMusselmanBrown: "I am going to sit here, so I can make sure Jake doesn't write embarrassing things / watch him write embarrassing things."

Silver: "Abby hasn't even said anything dumb yet!"
AbbyGregory: "I've had TWO SIPS! What a DOUCHE!"

AbbyGregory: "I feel like... Jake's about to cut of Sam's testicles."

AudreyMusselmanBrown: "Ah, god! It's like when you brush your teeth... and then an ORANGE! Ugh."

AudreyMusselmanBrown: "Look what Sidra gave me!" AbbyGregory: "HAWT."

AudreyMusselmanBrown: <bitchyface>

GeorgeAspesi: "All the best ideas begin with 'let's drug Sam!'"

AbbyGregory: "What else is there? You're either referring to excrement, or sex!"

AbbyGregory: "You know what's nice about vodka? You can just drink it."

AbbyGregory: "Imma, Imma grope you now. Boob!"
AudreyMusselmanBrown: "AAAH!"

AbbyGregory: "BLOWJOB? ... cunnilingus."

AudreyMusselmanBrown: "Hey Silver, are you getting a blowjob, or ...?"


AnnJohnston: "I'm completely inebr-" (Ann's argument that she is entirely sober)


Chronicles of the night of November the 5th, 2011, when Fred was migrated into the Fire Pit and drunk upon.

That sentence makes sense if you don't think about it too hard. Below, presented in chronological order.

AbbyGregory: "The first time *I* made out with a girl was my friend in second grade."
AudreyMusselmanBrown: "We should make out RIGHT NOW."
<long pause>
Both, simultaneously: "...uh, no."
<editor's note: it was later agreed that they would skip straight to sex, though Audrey later suggested they make out, RIGHT NOW, but with clothes on>

DavidLingenbrink: "Immuh gohgetmo booze"

AbbyGregory: <random string of unintelligible sounds... trust me, it was pretty funny though. I heard pediatrics in there somewhere. And clothes. I'm kind of creeped out>

AbbyGregory: "One time, it was New Year's Eve. And I was drunker...er. And then Chad and I... yeah, it was sketch. Oh, and then there was a POLICE officer. Haha!"

SidraHussain: "Jake, you should evolve multiple consciousnesses"

DavidLingenbrink: "JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE. What quotes do you have so far? .... JAAAAAAAAAAKE <strangles Jake>"

DavidLingenbrink: "How's it goin', Audbot 1.0 (read: AudreyMusselmanBrown)? Don't crush me with your servos!"

AbbyGregory: <reading the above> "I did *not* say that. Did I say that? DID I?" <she most definitely did>

AbbyGregory: <describing the events of that fateful day in second grade (see above)> "My friend... it was all my friend's idea. She... her dad, worked at Microsoft or something. And she was *really* assertive. She was all, 'We should KISS'."

AbbyGregory: "I am wearing a leather skirt, and I could unzip it RIGHT now. The hot thing about this skirt is that it's like layered on the front, but on the back it's smooth, which is hotter."

JakeLow:"If you spill alcohol on my computer..."
Abby: <interrupting, pointing> "WATER"
Jake: "Water, then. If you spill water on my computer, it will be destroyed, and it will be of no more value to me, and I will have no hesitation to BLUDGEON YOU WITH IT."

AbbyGregory: "Cun-ni-lin-guis. Is that right? Did I say it right?"

AbbyGregory: "I just performed oral sex on my water.Ē

Silver: <regarding Audrey, Abby> "Why don't they just stop yelling and make out already??"

AbbyGregory: "Jaaaaaaron. I wahna see yer booobies!"

DavidLingenbrink: "On a MISSION. To looooose.... conscious-ss-ness. Ness."

BryanVisser: <silent, cold, disapproving stare of judgment>

AllisonMis: "Dave is really funny, because when he gets drunk, he get's mathematical."
AbbyGregory: "Multichoose that BITCH!"
AudreyMusselmanBrown: "We should write a song!"
Audrey,Abby: <musically chanting> "Multichoose that BITCH! Multichoose that BITCH. Yeah!"

AbbyGregory: "I thought your nose was more to the left."

AudreyMusselmanBrown : "I did not say that!" <talking about Abby and Audrey saying "we should makeout!">
JakeLow: "I was there and I was sober. You indeed said that."

JakeLow: "Sam, I have nothing from you yet. Got anything funny and quotable?"
SamGutekunst: <worriedly clamps mouth shut>

SamGutekunst: "Whisper-whisper-whisper Multichoose Audrey! Whisper-whisper-whisper."
AudreyMusselmanBrown: "You canít multichoose Audrey! I know what that is, bitch!!!"

DavidLingenbrink: "I just liketuh grope them! ... <raising glass> to East, and to DRINKING! And TimeSuck. And not being... feeling... uh. Uh. ..."

RachelRoley: "Drinking only alcohol forever!! That seems like a very bad plan."

JakeLow: <after Abby leans over his monitor> "If your hair crosses my screen again, I will shave your head, so help me god!"

JakeLow: "I just very nearly lost an eye!" <talking about Abby pointing at him>

DavidLingenbrink: "Oh look! Itís a steamroller! I bet it wants a hug!"

AbbyGregory: "Can I touch my computer with your arm?" <it was Jake's computer, and Abby's arm -- despite what Abby claimed>

AbbyGregory: "Iím not holding a drink."
JakeLow: "But you still have non transparent body parts!"

DavidLingenbrink: <sarcastically reciting terms of Taylor polynomial, while waving hands in the air with gusto>

JacobPeacock: "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Allison is yelling in my ear."

JakeLow: "I can't feel my fingers."
AbbyGregory: <sticking tongue out> "AAAaaye canh'tt FEAL muh FINGAR. A-ppppbbth! <raspberry>"

AudreyMusselmanBrown: "Abby, if we make out, it's not like a show. Okay?"

AbbyGregory: <clutching chest> "DUDE. Dude. WOAH. Woah. Scandal." <context unknown>

AbbyGregory: <while playing with Jake's hair, upon which booze had been spilled> "WHY is my hair still WET? I took a shower at like EIGHT THIRTY. <it's 10:45>

DavidLingenbrink: "A shoutout to MEGATRON, man."
AbbyGregory: "I'll drink to THAT, BITCH!"

RachelRoley: "This is like the best reality TV show. EVER."

AbbyGregory: "I could put my hair on you!" <flipping hair at Jake> "WOOH! WOOH!"

LaurenNishizaki: "I think Dave should go last."
DavidLingenbrink: <mouth full of cookies> "I bwill gwo FWIST! <"I will go first"> ... Shpogo nushg tashorf! <unknown>"

All, in unison: "FROOOOOO <10 seconds of "o"> OOOOOSH!!"

DavidLingenbrink: <after accidental grope> "Don't sue me for sexual assault. Pleeeeeze?!?"

AbbyGregory: <pushing self up by putting both hands on Jake's head/face> "I just put mah butt on your com-puuter."

DavidLingenbrink: "Jakey, you are not saying enough pleases and thanks to warrant your title!"

AudreyMusselmanBrown: "Guys, guys I just peed a little while ago."

DavidLingenbrink: "Yer an X-bocks"

DavidLingenbrink: "I now present to you, the straight line test!"
ChrisSugino: "That test is such bullshit."

AbbyGregory: "I was in the bathroom and there was a meteror. Uh, a mirrter. Mirror."

AbbyGregory: "Yarr har fiddle-de-dee! Being a pirate... oh, hey, guess what! ... Hey, are you still typing lounge quotes?"

RachelRoley: "Abby, is this your leg?"
AbbyGregory: "WAAAAAAH!" <apparently, yes.>

JakeLow: "I was just struck in the face with froot loops. Well, not Froot Loops, but loops of fruit."
DavidLingenbrink: "THOSE WERE NOT FROOT LOOPS. ...BITCH."

RebeccaThomas: "So, you guys gonna make out? Cause... nevermind." <I did not say this. I don't even think I was there during this part of the conversation.>
JakeLow: <You did. Case closed. Jake is always right.>

DavidLingenbrink: "Dun-dun-dun-DAAA! Douchebag and Mega-Bitch!"

AudreyMusselmanBrown: <singing along to music> "Open up your pants and damn you're free..."

DavidLingenbrink: <the most ridiculous dance I've EVER seen. EVER.>

DavidLingenbrink: <to JakeLow, intentionally loudly> "Don't worry man, I used a condom. We'll be okay."

DavidLingenbrink: "WHAAAAAAAAAYAAA?? D:" <off-key> <momentarily later:> "FUCK. YOU!" <both fingers raised>
JustinBai: "Fuck everyone!"

AbbyGregory: "How do you not know this? You are in a bubble! A BUBBLE! You are a bubble! A sex one!"

JustinBai: "Nahginashattanyah!" <???>

AbbyGregory: <upon lights going out in the lounge> "WOAH! They're gonna have SEX! ... that TICKLES!"

DavidLingenbrink: "Sausage?? It's a PENIS!"

AudreyMusselmanBrown: "Jake, I'm pregnant with your baby."
AbbyGregory: "Woah! You're gonna have a baby JESUS!"
AudreyMusselmanBrown: <addressing drink she's holding> "Will you help me raise him? I'm gonna be a bad mom."

DavidLingenbrink: "Don't worry, I'm not gonna grab any private areas."


"There was a citrus random button on the vending machine, right?"
"Yeah, we ran out, so it's just a Sprite button now."
"Ah. It would be funny if it got relabeled that, but was actually citrus random still."
"Haha, yeah. 'Hey, this is a Cactus Cooler... I wanted --' 'SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR SPRITE.' "
--JakeLow, KevinMcSwiggen

PatrickMeehan: "We won Frosh-soph games. Anyone who says otherwise is a dirty liar."
JakeLow: "I am a dirty liar."
SidraHussain: "Sam is a dirty liar" (re: SamGutekunst)
PatrickMeehan: "As are most of the rest of you. *sigh* I tried."

(The night that TimeSuck hosted the blanket-fort building night, Linde was also holding Catholic Schoolgirls. Some highschool girls were dancing with and checking out Dave and Sam at CSG. After the party, they followed Dave and Sam back towards their room. Dave's account is as follows.)
"So, they kept tagging along behind us and asking questions like, "So, what's your favorite color?", and it was pretty clear that they just wanted to get back to our room. And they were giggling and saying "Oooh, you're taking us back to your rooms?", and we were like "Uh, we're going to the blanket fort..."" -DavidLingenbrink

"What are some ways that I can subtly imply that I think there is no difference between moral and physical high ground?" -MattMcDermott

Somebody: "What would your girlfriend say?" (in regards to Jake's "relationship" with AricHunter)
JakeLow: "I don't think Dave likes to be referred to like that." (re: DavidLingenbrink)

"Please get a condom!" - more drunk people

"Wait, those are people!" - Drunk People

"I don't believe in eating paper." -AnnJohnston
(Context: Ann believes in eating *people*)

"I can't have sex with Dave, he's sick!" - SamGutekunst (re: DavidLingenbrink)

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