Note to frosh: a) add new quotes to the bottom. b) only add quotes that are actually funny.
MicahSmukler: I don't believe in flying bunnies. PomonaJosh: <throws stuffed bunny at Micah> MicahSmukler: <blocks with foot> That flying bunny *sucked!* ... PomonaJosh: Would you rather I attacked you with a beaver?
MicahSmukler: Just because they're i's doesn't mean they're eyes! If they were eyes, they'd be e's! StephGrush: Except after C. MicahSmukler: Centipides have nothing to do with it!
"And next week, on The Gay Incest Mafia..." - Po-Josh
"Fëanor was a 1337 h4x0r?." - StephGrush
Einstein and Feynman were also cited as being 1337.
"That was a sucky chain." "What are you talking about? It was great!...for sufficiently small values of great." "Yeah, for largely small values of great." This reminds me of StatlerAndWaldorf?
"The prof's getting fresh with the freshest frosh's crotch. The frosh's getting fresh crotch crutches for the prof." - EvilSouthie (who couldn't actually say it)
"Your full name should be Calbert." --RobinBaur, to CalPierog
"So you can upgrade the little guys in the fridge? Awesome!" --ErikShimshock
Eli: Lori, eating Steph's toes is not a respectable rhetorical device. Lori: Give me that bowling pin! Dan: I will trade someone a soda for a backrub. Lori: I will! But mainly so I can bite the soda can. Steph: I'm glad I'm up here where it's safe! Eli: Here, take this bowling pin.
Julie: There's cow ass in my air! Dan: Better than cow air in your ass! Steph: I'm not touching that one! Dan: Which, the cow air or the ass?
Harvey Mudd College in ten minutes: Multiple gunshot wounds to the head. And a few orgasms. --NickHerman
Jeff: Dang, Chainmaille has a firm grip on my shaft. Steph: You should be careful, Chainmaille. If you bend his shaft, then you'll have to buy it.
JeffBrenion: You have to make love to the dome . . .
"Suck it, Switzerland!" --JulieWortman to JeffBrenion
ChainMaille: ...I'm naked!
"You let the smoke out of the pot?" --ChainMaille
"Jeff, I am the lounge." --LoriThomas
(JeffBrenion, ChrisErickson, JulieWortman, and some other people in HMC shirts are clustered around a door)
Someone: What's going on?
StephGrush: Nerd caroling.
"It's a Lori, and a Victoria, and a Robin, and... frosh, have you done your chem yet?!" --RichardGarfinkel
"Hey Vrable, way to exist!" -- LoriThomas (to MichaelVrable)
"Vrable, do you now, or have you ever, possessed any bionic limbs?" --EliBogart
JeffBrenion: Why is my shirt in the lounge? RichardGarfinkel: Because you're always taking your clothes off in the lounge? JeffBrenion: ...That might actually be the reason!
"Yeah, Kevin's really good at looking like blankets." -- FrancesHocutt
MacKenzieStuart: I'll bake you a loaf of bread, Richard, before I ram it up your ass.
BillHewitt: Yay bread!
"I totally would not want to be diagnosed with strep clit." --BrianYoung
"You are Churchill, as of now." -- KatieLewis, to RobinBaur
"You think you have enough, and then the universe eats your peanuts." -- RobinBaur
Richard: ...I don't like the look of you.
Chainmaille: *violates Richard's personal space*
Richard: Chainmaille touched me! I feel dirty!
Ryan: Ooh! I wanna be touched by Chainmaille!
"I am badass, witness my breasts!" -- RobinBaur
"I was late for the meeting because I just did, basically, all of Scripps." --ErikShimshock
Steph: Because graduate school is much like the afterlife.
Lori: No way. Way too much work, not enough Valhalla.
"...which is why we need to honor our sexual veterans." --DanielKagan
"Dude. I want a purple pussy." --MacKenzieStuart
"You should really get a doctor to check that..." --RobinBaur
"Aaah! They're bigger than her head!" --ChainMaille, in response to the Scripps Slumber Party web poster
"You have cursed me forever. I will have a pot roast." --RyanRiegel, playing CastleVania
"Metal is bad because its electrons are like wheeeeeee!" -- RyanRiegel
"I do believe in epsilon! I do! I do! ... Not so much delta, though." -- RobinBaur
"This...is the Bowling Pin of PATRIOTISM!" -- RichardGarfinkel
"Wait, does the little orange thing actually participate?" -- MorganConbere
"This room is the crucible of DanceDanceRevolution" -- WillShipley
"Gah! I just poked myself in the eye!" -- JeffBrenion
"Freaking instant karma!" -- JeffBrenion
"YOU have to be sane! I'M touching my nose!" -- LoriThomas
"Ok, why are we equating happiness with a huge erection?" -- ClifMobbs
"Jonathan, no masturbating to my puns" -- KevinBergemann
"I'm still in the lounge. I can't believe I'm still in this lounge!" -- BrianYoung
"I will now tickle your cervix with both fists!" -- JonathanBeall
"The lounge needs healing. Badly." -- RichardGarfinkel after ChainMaille showed everyone the ending to DevilMayCry
"That's not lava; it's your future." -- MacKenzieStuart
"Curiosity makes the cat more capable of firing missiles." -- ChrisRoberts
"What was I going to do? I had cake!" --AaronHomer, after hitting ClifMobbs with cake.
"The only person on campus with privs to fuck Thuban is Roger [Weichmann]." --PhilMiller
"Wait, God is an iMac?" --JeffBrenion
"OK, those are breasts, but I don't know what's going on here" --MacKenzieStuart
"Clif: Julian, why don't you just give them the answers and then a blow job while you're at it? Phil: Because that would be a violation of the honor code."
"Ontario Mills has a Virgin Megastore: for all your sacrificing needs." --KevinBergemann
"I've never been eaten by a cow, therefore I'm not a FreshMan."
"No, more like a rocket powered vat of suck." --LizKadison
Lori, when's SuperMovieNight?? --JulieWortman I KEEL YOU DED!!! --LoriThomas
"I am an experienced barbecue-ee" --ClifMobbs
"The FrOsh as a collective do my bidding." --BrianYoung
"Condition: Not wanting to have babies. How do I put that in insurance terms?" --MacKenzieStuart
"Bitching is an individual activity and wanking is a communal activity, oddly enough."--FrancesHocutt
"I hate my uterus." --MiriamLeisman "I like it." --ChrisRoberts
"Presumably not everyone is off screwing like rabbits every day at dinner time." --JonathanBeall
MacKenzieStuart: What's the problem? ChrisRoberts: The opposite gender. MacKenzieStuart: What are they doing? ChrisRoberts: Not me.
JonathanBeall: I like my genitalia unfragmented. MiriamLeisman: So do you defrag them often? PhilMiller: Your genetalia are clearly Mac. JonathanBeall: Then they defragment automatically whenever accessed, so yes, I do. RyanRiegel: And they come with SSH!
"It's like a furry with a persecution complex had a wet dream in an animation studio" -BrianYoung
"Cal gets more pussy than cervical cancer." -MacKenzieStuart
MacKenzieStuart: We need to ease people into me. ChainMaille: That's what lubrication is for.
"Paper is like trees on a diet with a chemical addiction." -LoriThomas "I stand by that statement." -LoriThomas
"Chris, for you she's pass-fail. If you make a pass, you'll fail." --JulianEvans
LoriThomas: No, you don't understand! Squirrels are hard!
FrancesHocutt: Squirrels are SQUISHY!
FrancesHocutt: When you squish them, they go squish!
Cal stuck his thumb up there, and it fit perfectly. --FrancesHocutt
KevinBergemann: I have no orifices--I use Chastity Superglue! PomonaSteve: ...Your chastity iz pastede on yay?
ClifMobbs: Grabbing ass, punching face... what's the difference?
BrianYoung: "Miriam, are you collecting girlfriends like pokemon?"
MiriamLeisman: "Yes...gotta catch 'em all"
MacKenzieStuart; Being a girlfriend is good! It means I get candy!
JiBB (to HilaryDavidson): That's it, I'm the girlfriend now!
ChrisErickson: I want a pet zombie Cthulhu.
RichardGarfinkel: Hello, Eli. EliBogart: Okay, sure, I can agree with that.
LoriThomas: Those aren't theepy trees, those are what-the-hell trees!
ChainMaille: I stretched before swimming this morning. So why the hell does my shoulder hurt?
MacKenzieStuart: Too much wanking.
ChainMaille: Shoulder, not wrist! ... It's not that big!
MorganConbere: "Damn you NetFlix?! You failed me in my time of need!"
TaraMartin: "Frosh can't get married! It's not allowed!"
LaurenSchulz: "Wait, where are my pants?"
JonathanBeall: How am I sketchy? JulieWortman: Jonathan, take off your shirt. JonathanBeall: (now shirtless) So how am I sketchy?
JulieWortman: Just eat your ketchup and be glad it isn't mayonnaise. JonathanBeall: Thank you for your mercy, Mistress Julie. ::Eats ketchup::
BrianYoung: "That could have been really bad, depending on how quickly I'd fallen for you, Jon."
KevinBergemann: "I haven't made any homemade porn films in the lounge."
NancyEisenmenger: "And one is flashing Alan."
MacKenzieStuart: "If you're on top, it's not gay."
JulianEvans: "Sex is Non-Euclidean!" (See SexIsNonEuclidean)
MorganConbere draws a penis KellyWalsh: "That is not going on the t-shirts!"
MacKenzieStuart: "Shaving your bikini line is like spee-lunking!"
RichardGarfinkel: "I'm glad that my drama is self-contained."
AndrewCampbell?: "Is that Unix(tm) the arcade game?!"
HilaryDavidson: "Bottoms have Os in them because bottoms are round! Unless you look at them sideways, then maybe it could be an E"
JulianEvans: "I would have won, but Mike was in cahoots with some unholy sheep god!"
ChrisRoberts: "If I weren't sexiled, I would SO march up to my room right now!"
ChrisRoberts: No Eunuch Chris!!
BrianYoung (Entering): Just for the record, what the HELL?
MiriamLeisman: "I will run you and your penis back to your --" ChrisRoberts: "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
ChrisRoberts: "Being a demon would be even better than being Jewish."
NotSteve: "Baby wipes are not wiping your face with a baby."
StephGrush: "It's not porn unless you're watching it! ... It's like a tree falling in the forest!"
ChrisRoberts: "Anything said in the lounge is a metaphor for sexual pleasure" BrianYoung: "mmm...furniture rental"
AliLee: "Martin, stop grabbing your underwear!"
To a lounge of seven CS people, NancyEisenmenger: "What's a null pointer exception?"
AndrewHunter: "Frances, will you marry me . . . and . . ."
BrettMcLarnon: "All I can think of is having sex in the woods and being shot in the ass by some hunter"
MorganConbere: "I've experienced the penis! 24/7! And I love it!"
HilaryDavidson: "I'm not having sex with fried tofu."
KevinOelze (to RichardMehlinger, in SettlersOfCatan): What will you do if you can see my cards? Still settle on the wrong spot?
MikeBuchanan: "It would make voting so much easier. Instead of marking a candidate you would just pee on a strip."
ChrisRoberts: "Nothing quite like scoring with an omnipresent being."
MikeBuchanan: "So how about that female genital mutilation? I like pouring acid on vulvas."
MikeBuchanan: "Milk is always associated with climaxes!!"
FrancesHocutt (to DavidLapayowker): "You can wiggle your hair and you have a chest hole!?"
JonathanBeall: "It's like MacKenzie succeeded and Kevin and I had a bastard love-child!"
BrianYoung: "You broke me so bad I drooled on my homework."
MartinPyne: "I do believe in MoMar, I do, I do!"
BenFogelson?: "You can't get AIDS from masturbating. Unless you masturbate with a used syringe."
KevinOelze: "Why are we talking about penis pointers?"
Fnord: "I like toasters." MiriamLeisman: "NO! We must protect the appliances!" MikeBuchanan: "Dude! If they breed, free appliances?"
AndrewHunter: "The point of the story is, I'd rather play WoW than sleep... I can stop any time I want to."
MorganConbere: "Dude! I have 12 apples in my underwear!!"
MacKenzieStuart: "These are boobies. Boobies mean girl. Or computer programmer."
*discussion of bondage...* AndrewHunter: Wait, but some people use that for torture...oh. MiriamLeisman: Ding ding ding! What does he win, Mike? MikeBuchanan: A golden shower.
RichardGarfinkel: Who doesn't spawn with a bazooka? JulianEvans: Yeah, why do you think ChildBirth? is so painful?
PhilMiller: "What does Andy being a hot chick have to do with Hunter lying with Julian or StuMpy?"
KrystleMcBride? (about Planarity): "Morgan! Put the graph theory away and do graph theory!"
MartinPyne: "The hottest date is Friday, and it's only 68."
BrianYoung: "It would be Katamari DaOrgy?!"
(Also in this conversation: "Katamari Sodomy". Now everybody sing along...) -- AndrewFarmer
AndrewHunter: "I'm not saying I'm going to do it, but would the couch be my pants?"
DavidLapayowker: "You can't rigorously define pants! There are too many exceptions!"
MorganConbere: "At some point Frances gets offended, and then it gets really funny."
HilaryDavidson: "I've seen The Matrix; I know I need two guns at all times!"
WillShipley: "Richard...is asleep on my floor...I'm not quite sure why..."
JonathanBeall: "Quick! Kevin! Become a topless woman!"
TrevinMurakami: Where did he come from?
ChrisRoberts: When a man loves a woman...
PicoRichard: They play chess...
MarissaQuitt: And then I burst into song.
PhilMiller: Potato, were you molested by the tooth fairy?
PhilMiller: Knee-fucking is the next big thing!
Lounge: Julian doesn't lose games to people.
JulianEvans: I lose games all the... damnit!
KevinOelze: Richard, I wouldn't bust your balls if I didn't like you.
JulianEvans: I was there and awake and was paying attention for every single STEMS lecture. There's a reason that AndrewHunter, MikeGilik?, and HelenFitzmaurice threesomes don't disturb me.
RichardBowen: So what you're saying is sex has... uh... FUCK
ChrisRoberts: If they're not screaming, it's not rape.
AndrewHunter: How many times do I have to say I ejaculated on Kacie?
(AndrewHunter returns from wild sexual adventure) AndrewHunter: Wow, I just ejaculated on Kacie! Lounge: What?!?! AndrewHunter: Wow, I just ejaculated on Kacie! Lounge: What?!?! AndrewHunter: How many times do I have to say I ejaculated on Kacie?
ClifMobbs: Zvi, I want you to put your hands in your pants.
ClifMobbs: Just do it, right now
Zvi commences to follow Clif's order.
PhilMiller: Your card has Zvi's banana on it.
JulianEvans: She could chuck a used tampon at you
ChrisRoberts: AH!!! Biological warfare! That's against the Geneva Conventions!
ClifMobbs: . . . but we should hold it at West, so they don't think it's sketch!
AkashRakholia: What is with you and taking advantage of things?
ZviEffron: I can't do it with women, so I do it with things.
HannahHoersting: That's it, I'm getting a tattoo!
MorganConbere: Of what, a Care Bear?!
ClifMobbs: What they should do is grab her boob, and then kill her.
AlexisNast: You know me, I like to get naked in the lounge all the time.
ClifMobbs: Trust me.
JasonWinerip: Necrophilia is fun!
ChrisRoberts: Man, touching your groin is so much more awesome than touching Alan's...
MorganConbere: Jonathan! Look! Sexy, naked, girls stripping!
PicoRichard: Wait, Morgan, I'm over here. Hey, how can naked girls be stripping?
MorganConbere: Maybe they're stripping wires.
MorganConbere: Two ready and willing chicks does an orgy make.
KatherineErickson: I'm going to the bathroom. Alone.
MikeBuchanan: That means you're just smearing dog urine on your face for no reason!
AndrewHunter: I want to fuck my children.
PicoRichard: How many people has your mom slept with?
RichardMehlinger: Over ten thousand, thank you very much!
AndrewFarmer: It's like whac-a-mole. Except kinky.
ClifMobbs: I told him I'd start thrusting if he didn't move.
ZviEffron: I will murder your children.
PicoRichard: But I don't have any children, I hope.
ZviEffron: You will get some. I will make you get some.
ClifMobbs: Do those girls know they're about to be pleasured by BlackZilla??
JulianEvans: I'd argue that the essence of penis is carried by mass.
ClifMobbs: Why did someone quote me saying "Trust me"?
FrancesHocutt: I'd like to point out that the condom box is labelled "Emergency".
JayMarkello: (to Zvi while holding a big pipe) I'll hit you if you don't stop back-seat photoshopping!
TrystanKoch: I would totally do Jigglypuff.
MikeBuchanan: Lesbians. Lots of 'em.
PhilMiller: Not all furries are necrophiliacs, Colleen. Keep your fetishes straight.
JulianEvans: Superman prevents WHAT in Utah?
TrystanKoch: I don't like being made into an object
BrianaKonigsberg: He's her sacrificial anode. Think about it! Bits get scraped off him so they don't have to get scraped off her!
RichardMehlinger: I'm basically trying to gouge interest.
JasonWinerip: Why do you have to be up at fourteen o'clock?
ClifMobbs: *Fourteen o'clock*??
JasonWinerip: I'm too tired to mod by 12.
AndrewHunter: You can get me drunk and fuck me.
AlanKraut: Fwap fwap fwap is the sound of threshing cock.
ZviEffron: What's wrong with being sexist?
AndrewTaylor: You're sexist the wrong way.
JulianEvans: If I roll a five you'll be so pwned! Like sheep up the ass buttsex!
ClifMobbs: I can serve you breakfast in bed. Would you like that darling?
ChrisRoberts: That means 'cock', right?
JacobHeller?: Gah, put that away! Wait, what size are you?
MichaelGilik?: This lounge is like a Jew generator.
JulianEvans: Damnnit, I just lost my foreskin.
PhilMiller: My penis is gaseous. It expands to fill the available space.
ChrisRoberts: That's ideal.
Some Pomona guy, during Wet Season: CMC is out of booze!
PhilMiller: I was just contrasting your desire to do that with your desire to get laid.
AndrewHunter: Well I don't want to get laid by RichardMehlinger.
EllenKephart: That's what she said!
RichardGarfinkel: I don't think there are any sourcebooks that cover penile enhancement.
StevenSloss?: (in protesting voice) She was four!
MarcDavidson: Gramps, you have no idea how happy I was to see you behind me.
RichardGarfinkel: Don't kill Jenni!
JenniRinker: It's okay, I'm exposable!
JasonWinerip: She's just a head with breasts, like all good women.
RichardGarfinkel: Morgan has an Erdos number! Morgan has a low Erdos number!
MattKeeter: Morgan kissed Erdos?
JulianEvans: I'm a Korean Lesbian.
PhilMiller: There's always the option of finding some porn and locking him in the dorm bathroom.
RichardGarfinkel: It's a double-ended dildo that's not symmetrical.
DmitriSkjorshammer: Wait corals don't like sex?
JulianEvans: It's a Potato run [of Super Metroid]--no pickups.
ZviEffron: The price for writing on my back is a blowjob.
MattKeeter: I accept.
ZviEffron: Women get to choose which way, men don't.
MattKeeter: It's like Necrophilia, but with tickling.
RichardBowen: If I can't get sodomy, I'll take sex in the butt.
BrianRice: My word is "corybantic"...
BrianRice: Well, the closest synonym that I can think of is 'bacchanal'
MattKeeter: Fuck you black people!... I mean pirates...
MichaelNoback: You can do it, Nana! I love you! *Nana gets klaptrapped* You fucking bitch Nana! You're fucking worthless!
AndreyShur: I mean, it's not about the number of shirts being taken off...
AlexMcAuley: Dude, we better strip and hug each other to conserve heat.
JulianEvans: It's richard-o-clock! *proceeds to put on cloak*
DmitriSkjorshammer: It's asian-time! *proceeds to chase esther outside*
HannahHoersting: We don't care what your gender-identity is... go at it.
MattKeeter: Quick let's shove all the corpses in this corner
JulianEvans: T-Bag them all!
JulianEvans: And there are nice flat open areas for Cartesian Spam
AndrewFarmer: Cartesian Spam? Enlarge your coordinate system!
SketchMore: Are there any showers with windows?...never mind.
ZviEffron: Foolproof dating plan! Take my tie collection into a bar, go up to a hot chick, and say "Look at my tie collection! Wanna date me?"
AkashRakholia: "Sahakian IS physics."
MichaelGilik?: "Chocobo knight?"
AkashRakholia: "Final Fantasy...Fuck."
MaxGibiansky: "Yuna's magical no-pants adventure."
MichaelGilik?: "Yuna would blitz Tidus's balls any day."
ArianaFriedman "I love you! I don't want anyone else to blow me!"
JulianEvans: "You swallow, I'll T-bag. Wait, no, that sounded wrong."
HamsterBob: "Bowser is either a male or a lesbian."
AlexMcAuley: "I really want a rocket can to drink out of..." *proceeds to make rocket noises and drinks out of his can*
PeterMawhorter: "What did you do in highschool CS anyway?"
AlanKraut: "I did NOT have pokemon sex in highschool CS"
RichardGarfinkel: SHIT!! SHIT!!!!
MattKeeter's Parents: Hi!
AndreyShur: "See, this part of the program looks at my massive dict." (think about what it sounded like when he said it out loud...)
MoiraTagle: I can do more with my hand than you can with your tongue!
MartinPyne: Food is my weak point.
SketchMore: Suck him! Suck him!
MattKeeter: That's what the world needs...more head fucking!
MarquisWang: Wait...if we're underage....WE CAN HAVE SEX! MATT! WE CAN HAVE SEX!
DanaJensen: I think I need more prostitute friends in America.
MarquisWang: These lasers are smaller than my penis.
DanaJensen: Eww! I got it on my face.
MattKeeter: Yay! Everyone gets points in statutory rape!
MarquisWang: In statutory rape, everybody wins!
JoshuaEhrlich: I dont spend enough time alone in my room with my computer.
ArianaFriedman: Matt, pull down your pants.
ChrisRoberts: Terrorists are forcing you to have gay sex, would you pitch or catch?
AlexMcAuley: We're not actually having sex with the finger trap.
DmitriSkjorshammer: We're not loungequoting your mom.
DanMoore: We need a group photo.
DmitriSkjorshammer: YEA! like naked and stuff.
AlexMcAuley: I want a guitar right here *points to crotch* and i'll just be waxing it up and down.
DanMoore: You could be playing it.
MartyField: Heil! Listen! Heil! Listen!
MoiraTagle: I don't really need 17 inches...
JulianEvans: They should make Holocaust the CCG!
MichaelNoback: Yeah! The Jews are collectible: they already have numbers.
MichaelNoback: You're a penis holster.
SketchMore: I'm a penis holster?
DmitriSkjorshammer: You're MY penis holster!
SketchMore: Yes, I've done all the billions of species on this planet, except humans. Amoebas were very... difficult.
AndreyShur: My grandma has bad these?
TrevinMurakami: Raped! With a fork!
JenniRinker: Tenticular satisfaction.
MattKeeter: That's what they go to church for.
JenniRinker: To masturbate with Jesus?
MichaelGilik?: Luigi's asshole is just too tight.
JayMarkello: I'm just a dumb robot!
MichaelGilik?: Why is "om nom nom nom" in the search bar?
MadeleineOng: Considering I'm still red and blue in places I can't clean...
SketchMore: Damnit Hunter! You're a horrible bottom!
MattKeeter: Pick a letter between A and E. Except not E.
MattKeeter: Important moral lesson: Don't grope girlfriends in public or MomMy will grope you!
DmitriSkjorshammer: I didn't mean to grope you all four times!
MattKeeter: Owned by the asteroid stag!
AndreyShur: (in a heavy metal voice) WRONSKIAN! Da na na na na na na! FINDING THE DERIVATIVE!
AlexMcAuley: Dude, this is like crotchlate!
ArianaFriedman: I have an enormous penis.
MarcDavidson: Have you seen it? It's huge!
MattKeeter: I bet it's at HEO somewhere.
MoiraTagle: I doubt that Dan could fit into her pants.
- talking about his SISTER here
ArianaFriedman: My homework is beckoning. "Do me! Do me!" it says.
SketchMore: Whoah, that's a strong vibrator, way stronger than Sonja's.
DanMoore: You want abortion? I'll give you abortion!
MattKeeter: I'm legal!
Everyone in lounge: Enqueue!
MorganConbere: Love is between a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or, in Ann's case, her and her dog.
ArianaFriedman: You know what's funny? Going to a kid with a broken leg and taking away his crutches.
MorganConbere: I think it was a combination of hooch, banana, and orgasm.
SkyeBerghel: I don't think I would want to have dinner in such a place.
BekyKotcon: But it has a banana!
RichardBowen: Amino acids and pokemon are essentially the same thing.
JulianEvans: It's like affirmative action, for gay rapists.
RichardBowen: It will be sprinkled with the pepperoni of tautology.
PhilMiller: I don't want my law of the excluded middle pizza.
RichardBowen: Anchovy implies anchovy.
SaraGussin: I'm not pregnant; I'm on my fucking period!
MadeleineOng: There were three of them, and they came all at once!
JulianEvans: Enough about incest--so, about the Super Mario Brothers...
EricLangman: That's why incest is becoming more acceptable: because of the graphics upgrade.
RonJeremy?: ...and you can get your two FREE videos for a BUCK! *makes odd popping noise with mouth*
EricLangman: Did you just call my girlfriend a wood-port?
EthanSokol: Does anybody know how to search the internet?
AndrewHunter: Getting hired is exactly like dating.
SketchMore: You put it off for as long as possible by going to grad school?
JulianEvans (to Alan): Do you have a scrotum?
AlanKraut: It's hers!
FrancesHocutt: I kind of have a consent fetish.
JasonWinerip: Unfortunately, for this version of bang she has to be awake.
RichardBowen: Why yes, I am a professional oral sex enthusiast.
RichardBowen: (To the tune of the Manamana song) Doot, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,.... Product Rule!
JulianEvans: We're not exploiting it, we're just testing the extent of the bug. (wrt MuddRisk?)
AndreyShur: Keep it open! She might put her finger in there eventually!
JasonWinerip: There aren't any ropes involved - yet.
AlexMcAuley: Oxygen's a dick, man.
FroshJason?: What's a dipole moment?
SkyeBerghel: Well, when two dipoles love each other very much...
JayMarkello: Give me back my member!
SketchMore: But I like holding it!
JasonWinerip: Last time I tried to kill a girl, I ended up dating her.
JasonWinerip <after a game of bang>: Oh fuck, I was the renegade!
MattKeeter: I'd take some chocolate if it was from your naughty bits.
BrianaKonigsberg: It's like a pyramid scheme of Nazi slaves.
AndrewFarmer: Apparently I'm female.
SketchyAlum: Does anyone have a corkscrew? Corkscrew? Corkscrew? Well, how about A BONG?!?
AndrewTaylor (to JasonWinerip): You look funny when you're wearing clothes.
MatthewLawson: It would be like red rover, except when you came over, they'd burn you at the stake.
JasonWinerip: Yes! I have a penis!
ArianaFriedman: Save the crotch, cut the tape!
ArianaFriedman (to MarcDavidson): Your crotch is going down!
AndreyShur: Plants are good to...FUCK!
AndreyShur: Okay, I'm going to mate with a baby.
RichardBowen: Strapons make everything easy.
MattKeeter: duhh....nuhh...duh...nuh..duh nuh...Marriage!
JeremyBrown: I'm a thinking prostitute!
SonjaBohr: (playing Contact, only known letter is 'S') Is it me?
JeremyBrown: It's not "slut"!
StephanieLevins: Can I please put my bra back on before you search me further?
StephanieLevins: You're uncomfortable?!? They're doing it on me!
StephanieLevins: I stepped on a penis.
JeremyBrown: ...are there any hard Mudd classes?
JamesTKirk: Captain's log: stardate... Armageddon.
AkashRakholia: No... it's not a condom.
HeatherJustice: Where'd you get that?
AkashRakholia: I don't know; I just pulled it out of my ass..... God Damn it!
AkashRakholia: We should throw crackers at white people!
StephanieLevins: I'll bring the naked men to you.
PeterMawhorter: (Playing Contact) Is it a red and white vegetable that belongs to a basketball game, that is also a flavorful person with no knees, which is also an animal you might find in a competition that is sort of a seventies adjective?
(5 mins later): Horseradish.
JoshuaEhrlich: Why shouldn't you mix necrophilia and bestiality?
BenJones: I don't see why not.
RichardBowen: Yeah! Stimulate my prostate!
StephanieLevins: Oh yeah, Jenna - stretch me further!
AnnJohnston: (shoving knife down throat) I can't find the hole!!
ChrisFerguson: Pikachu giveth, pikachu taketh away.
StephanieLevins: I made Gramps warm and fuzzy!
StephanieLevins: I like Alan. He made me stop touching Bob. He is a good person.
BobChen: My penis is sleeping.
EricLangman (to ChrisSauro): I rape you in jail.
Laura Johnston: I have no fear of axe murderers. I'm a chemist!
ArianaFriedman: So if I'm a grammar Nazi, does that make you a grammar Jew?
JennaRyon: Why have an orgasm if you don't notice? It's like someone poked a hole in his testicles.
DanMoore: I'm glad my ass has brought you pleasure.
StephanieLevins: It has brought me pleasure in so many ways.
EllySchofield: Define "night".
JohnPeebles: When it's dark... and sometimes when it's light.
EricLangman: Another 20 minutes until I can shower.
EricLangman: I'm doing laundry and all my boxers are in.
EthanSokol: Why don't you just wear briefs?
AnnJohnston: You now know what happens when you surprise me in the ass.
MarcDavidson: I should change my name to Lynyrd Skynyrd.
TrystanKoch: I don't remember T-rex being purple.
BrianaKonigsberg: You remember T-rex?
MattKeeter: My clothes are bionics.
ChrisSauro: I would have taken Hitler out for a beer.
JohnPeebles: Really? I'd have charged considerably more.
XandaSchofield: So back to vaginas...
EricLangman: Would you hit the dog? I know I'd hit the dog.
MattKeeter: Dual-wielding is kind of awkward when you're referring to penises
JamesBrown: You just put it in your mouth, Ann, of course it's sticky.
MaddyOng: Wait, where'd the prefrosh go?
DanMoore: Oh, Chris gave him some stuff, and he went to sleep.
JennaRyon: Why do I have to play gay chicken?
StephanieLevins: Because you're gay... and you're a chicken... now play!
PaNts: Music is basically porn!
AudreyMusselmanBrown: So if you are trying to have sex with rhinos going opposite directions at 3/5c?....
AbigailJaneGregory: I'm so full of sperm right now!
JenniRinker: I am going to take over the world - with my body.
JenniRinker: Dan, you've got muscles. What else could be going wrong?
WilliamGrabill: This'll be a walk through the cake.
AudreyMusselmanBrown: What if instead of Pitzer and Pomona we just had Pomoner? And a Pomoner is like a boner, but pretentious?
James White: Then it would be stuck up!
SamGutekunst: Braiding hair: automatic turn on!
AnnJohnston (a senior): He took advantage of me while I was intoxicated, but I'm OK with that. (speaking about a frosh)
AnnJohnston (a senior): I haven't taken advantage of any frosh except... wait, I haven't taken advantage of any frosh! That frosh took advantage of me!
GretchenAllen: (to James White) I wouldn't stick Reese's Pieces up your nose. I mean, you'd have to do something really dumb to make me do that.
James White: ... Shit! I'm screwed!
StephanieLevins: If they start selling heroin, I'd buy that too.
KatyAnderson: Why do we care unless she's eating him?
StephanieLevins: I think we should have dorm puppy night, where everybody... eats a puppy.
WillGrabill?: A penny saved is worth two in the bush.
CoreyLoescher: That's a really cheap prostitute!
EricLangman: If I gave you $10 would you find the geodesics of my ballsack?
BenJones: What tools can I use?
BenJones: Why would I do that?
EricLangman: Well, then if the universe is shaped like my ballsack then you can model photon flow.
BenJones: I don't think I want to live in that universe.
EricLangman: You don't have a choice. You don't know if the universe is hyperbolic...
JeffreyHemphill: Well if you hear squealing from above, that's probably a good sign that pigs are falling from the sky.
RandomPeople?: Is this someone's room?
JasonWinerip: I feel like such a dick for graduating with honors.
AndrewGibiansky: Squirrels are like elephants, they evolve!
KatieBennett: It's not conprostate?
GretchenAllen: Are we talking about thongs, or anal sex?
JustinBai: TorchWood? You mean they light their dicks on fire?
[All]: Wait, what?
JustinBai: I feel like that's a bad idea... I mean, doesn't the penis have a lot of pain receptors?
DietrichLangenbach: You don't know until you try. PassFail FrOsh, go burn your dick off!
AllisonMis: It's just a fun task that I like to do by myself.
AlexSwafford?: What's a fun task?
AllisonMis: Masturbation! ...Uh, crosswords?
AllisonMis: I would do anything to shit on your floor.
GretchenAllen: It's gonna be a total labgasm.
GretchenAllen: Does anyone's vagina actually look like that?
PaNts: Well, it's a vertical slit made of flesh.
KevinMcSwiggen: (At Skyrim) That's a lot of blood! Whoah, context...
AllisonMis: Ramming submarine! AUOOOOGAH! AUOOOOGAH!
JtBooth: You put your crush in a can, and then you *smashing motion* crush them.
KevinMcSwiggen: I'm pretty sure StuMpy never masturbates, he only violates.
JenniRinker: Death is such a cock block!
KevinMcSwiggen: That's what they're discussing at the DAC meeting next week--to decide on swoop access policies!
DavidScott: If Java were a person I'd be fucking its brains out every night.
KevinMcSwiggen: If the ass fits, wear it.
PatrickMeehan: That's not a phrase.
KevinMcSwiggen: On your dick.
PaNts: It is now!
PaNts: It's like you put on someone else's penis, except that penis is shared among 600 people, and they all depend on it.
AllisonMis: Stop-- stop-- stop! That went like, in my mouth!
JacobPeacock: That is exactly why I asked JackMa. And he was like why do you want me to smell you?
AllisonMis: I'm going to snap your glasses in half and use the sharp broken ends of the frames to carve "I don't know what my major is" into your chest!
BenLowenstein: That sounds kind of hot, actually. When are we doing this?
JacobPeacock: Me, inebriated? Never. I am soberer than a fly on Sundays.
PatrickMeehan: Beer? It tastes like carbonated bread, with a hint of kick-in-the-mouth.
KevinMcSwiggen: I'm getting to the point in physics where in lecture I'm like "This makes sense. I can follow this." and then I get to the homework and I'm like "how the fuck do I do this?"
DavidScott: That describes my entire life.
JacobPeacock: Yes, I get to the homework of my life--wait a minute, what is that? Masturbation?
JustinBai: You have to be more subtle. See, when I want to get into someone's pants I look at their pants.
KevinMcSwiggen: All of my nuggets are fun. Even those nuggets.
RossMawhorter: It's actually a constant drain on the energy of my ass.
KevinMcSwiggen: Xanda, I hope you understand that at some point in the future, you have allowed me free reign on your ass.
JacobPeacock: Get the thumbscrews! I won't talk! Can you get your elbow out of my leg? It hurts.
PaNts: I am protecting something! I am protecting your legs from McSwiggen's loose cannon.
ChrisMiro: Alright, now how do I work this thing?
KevinMcSwiggen: Hump it until it submits!
JacobPeacock: How do you steal books? Oh right, the library!
ChrisSugino: Am I the only team player here?
JacobPeacock: I'mma throw you by your penis now.
PaNts: I will Marine you.
MorganLuckey: I'll Airforce you right back.
JacobPeacock: We should all draw names anonymously!
KevinMcSwiggen: That's too much lavender for one man!
JustinBai: Ecology sucks!
StephanieLevins: YOU SUCK!!
JtBooth: Admittedly, not many people have weapon proficiency penis.
JustinBai: If you eat a calculator you gain its powers, don't you know?
PatrickMeehan: What, the power to write "boobs" in only numerals?
KevinMcSwiggen: Some people just aren't made for orgies!
KevinMcSwiggen: One pope, two pope, dead pope, glue pope!
KevinMcSwiggen: I mean, I've never had someone's tongue touch my asshole.
PatrickMeehan: But at the same time, I've got no hard limits, right? Once I'm hard... there's no limits.
AllisonMis: Bullshit! You are as virginal as snow made of gloryholes!
PatrickMeehan: All I need to do is masturbate and everyone will be happy!
KevinMcSwiggen: It's called... a roargasm.
ChrisSugino: Apparently you're Broseph's penis at this moment.
PatrickMeehan: That's not as fun. It doesn't wiggle as much.
JacobPeacock: Cannibal Holocaust.
MorganLuckey: caramel apples?
JacobPeacock: some motherfucker was fucking integrating on my goddamn motherfucking door which means Justin is goddamned motherfucking fucking in my fucking room!
PatrickMeehan: I though that was my phone going off but really your physical contact had just extended to my pants.
KevinMcSwiggen: It's axiomatic: Patrick's a little bitch!
EmmaDavis (from Stems book): A structural member that twists under the action of torque is called a shaft.
KevinMcSwiggen: whoa whoa whoa, my member does not enjoy being torqued!
EmmaDavis: For example, consider a long structural member...
EmmaDavis: There's a nice diagram, too!
PatrickMeehan: Aahhh, there are all sorts of strange pains in my body cavity!
KevinMcSwiggen: And they're all my fault.
AllisonMis: It could be irrational and never-ending.
KevinMcSwiggen walks in.
AllisonMis: Much like McSwiggen's dick.
EmmaManning: It'll be hard; I'm so used to having sex with elementary school students.
PatrickMeehan: We need to add another guy.
AllisonMis: I don't think I have that many orifices.
RossMawhorter: Thirteen, that's like the perfect number of clocks! Except we need more.
AllisonMis: Of course I said all that in my head, because nobody likes to hear "NO! Not today!" coming from the bathroom.
JustinBai: If porn was like real life, it'd last, like 5 minutes! The first three of those are foreplay.
DavidScott: Can I look at your schwa?
DaniBork: Ross and StuMpy are having a mad lust tryst.
DaniBork: Why does no one like StuMpy?
GeorgeAspesi: Because he is a literal font of disease.
AaronStringerUsdan: My urethra does NOT stretch like that!!!!
BenLowenstein: Luscious flesh and blood!
JohnPhillpot: Ben, don't scare away the frosh.
BenLowenstein: What frosh?
JohnPhillpot: See, you scared them away!
AllisonMis: Oh my god, why does our new love seat have a hole?
DevonStork: Which one? I have lots of holes.
JohnPhillpot: Self-lubricating Prof. Chen.
BritishKid: That was a fucking long-range bloody ejaculate.
PatrickMeehan: Somebody fuck me. Please.
RossMawhorter: BenLowenstein is asleep.
PatrickMeehan: Spermity sperm, glorious sperm ...
ZoeTucker: Sperm, sperm, eggs and sperm?
PatrickMeehan: Professor Gerald Van "Longer than you think it is" Hecke
ZoeTucker: If a female physicist is curious about her sexuality, she can try the double slit experiment.
BritishKid: Dig for a Nazi! Prizes range from a Nazi ... to a Subaru!
PatrickMeehan: Filled with Nazis.
BritishKid: Live long and shocker.
JohnPhillpot: By the intermediate value theorem, it came from the penis.
JohnPhillpot: I will make strange funguses grow in strange places.
JohnPhillpot (JohnSexpot): We can have bring your parents to vice day!
BenLowenstein: I've masturbated to Claremont WPA. I mean, it's always going down on me.
JacobPeacock: My name is Stumpy! I want to make love to you!
JohnPhillpot: Jesus loved getting nailed.
DaniBork: You know what they say about toddlers: they make useful cannon foddler!
EmmaMeersman: (Jacob)Peacock took its virginity in a very fragrant manner.
KevinMcSwiggen (to JohnSexpot): Oh my goodness! I just beeped on your crotch.
JohnathanAshley: The safe word will be, "pee on me".
EmmaCranston: I pick my nose with my hands.
MichaelSheely: That's hot.
GeorgeAspesi: Sometimes forcibly turning off my computer feels like trying to drown someone.
EmmaDavis: ...new soda protégé.
RachelRoley: That was a terrible pun. No one repeat that.
JohnPhillpot: Are children Turing-complete?
JohnathanAshley: Normal humans climax. I anticlimax.
PatrickMeehan: I asked you to turn on the lights, not the baleful eye of Satan.
AkashRakholia: What's a morning?
(Apparently as of our 5th reunion, we haven't changed a bit!)
ZoabKapoor: In fact, my butt is the laundry room.
AllisonMis: She was like a crusader of dick-chopping.
EmmaManning: The only bad thing about complex analysis is that it seems to good to be real.
ZoeTucker: Don't violate egrets!
KevinMcSwiggen: I don't want to put in effort, I just want to consume buttholes.
ZacharyFriedlander: The only 100% safe STEMS is abstinence.
KevinMcSwiggen: I am all about... sexual mucus, or as the case may be, love mucus of a non-sexual nature. Just... very romantic mucus.
SarahScheffler: What would you guess I was reading about, given the phrase "unforgeable tokens of authority"?
DaniBork: Chuck E. Cheese's?
MichaelSheely: I think the things I'm afraid of the most are global warming and death.
DaniBork: I Have Three Mouths and Must Not Scream.
KevinMcSwiggen: Because it's quiet hours.
DaniBork: They got taped together.
KevinMcSwiggen: I combined them to make them stronger!
DaniBork: ...Captain Planet.
MaxHlavacek: Somebody asked me if I had ever considered being fashionable; I should have just eaten their clothes on the spot.
KevinMcSwiggen: Somebody said the word rectified and I immediately added, "With my rectum!" The word was forever tainted.
MikaelaKosich?: Fishberg, drink water not rum.
AndrewFishberg: (drunkenly) I'm a pirate.
KevinMcSwiggen: Up above the sky so sky. Like a diamond I am high.
ZoeTucker: I've started describing myself as both insexual and sursexual.
AdamDunlap: Hey Zoab, want to hook up?
ZoabKapoor: Nah, maybe after I finish Abstract
AllisonMis: You're great!
MaxHlavacek: You're gr9. You're gr10! You're potatoes gra10!
KevinMcSwiggen: I fucked your mother / She said I'm worse than your dad / Mixed result insult
KevinMcSwiggen: *I* would hug that penis. It's so kawaii!
KevinMcSwiggen: Just find yourself a nice phone with a flared base...
KevinMcSwiggen: I'm trying to reduce my carbon fingerprint, so I can get away with SICK CARBON CRIMES!
MaxHlavacek: WHO STACKED THE MOLLUSCS???
TommySchneider: Speaking of cutting your brakes and forgetting about it . . .
AliKhan: I don't want to become this. And the lounge smells weird.
LiamLloyd: I mean the nervous system is the most palatable part of the human body.
MarinaKnittel: Does anyone else hate the taste of skin? . . . I used to bite into that little bit of fat on your arm since it looks like a marshmallow.
DaniBork: *entering the lounge mid-conversation* Sure, but I still prefer the revenge.
KevinMcSwiggen: (as JoziMcKiernan enters the lounge carrying cookies) Ooh! a plate of things! ...also hi, Jozi.
KiraWyld: So put your head in the microwave and meditate on that! (to MichaelSheely)
MichaelSheely: I lost a grape!
AdamDunlap: There's a grape under my butt!
JohnPhillpot: I call it brood lighting.
LuisViornery: It's a little death dildo! It's a little flying death dildo!
JohnPhillpot: It's like a fish out of water story, except the fish is made of bullshit, and the water is made of bullshit!
JacobRoth: Are you still reading about fish that swim upstream because they're dead?
TimMiddlemas: Not anymore.
JacobRoth: So like Reading Rainbow but for masturbation?
AaronStringerUsdan: Yee is the most important video on the internet.
JohnLittle: My buttocks are an enigma.
JacobRoth: Tommy's slit was horizontal for half of modern lab.
AaronStringerUsdan: The Louch is a sex-platform!
TommySchneider: There's a difference between a sex-basement and an illegal sex-basement.
ZoeTucker: Women are a normal subgroup.
LiamLloyd: Hitler was a grammar nazi!
MariechristineGarcia: Give me Bottom all day every day.
ZoeTucker: Marina does questionable things to avocados.
JohnLittle: Next weekend is Parent's Weekend? Who here has a beautiful mother?
ZoabKapoor: your Hitler is uncanny.
JacobRoth: The Trump Train has no tracks. It's like one of those parking lot trains at Disney World, except instead of a golf cart in front it's NASCAR.
ZoabKapoor: OK so we need to do 3SAT. What if we just return true?
AaronStringerUsdan: You are the worst epiglottis.
TimMiddlemas: You can always just hide inside yourself.
ZoabKapoor: What if all the Sodomites were just torrenting a lot?
LiamLloyd: By the transitive property, it is easier to shove a gerbil up your ass than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.
LiamLloyd: What's the most suggestive word for `proof'?
MarinaKnittel: You do the HokeyPokey? and you poke your butt at AaronStringerUsdan, that's what it's all about!
ZoeTucker: I took online gym, but I didn't take online MORMON gym.
JacobRoth: I feel like nipples are a lot more sexually attractive than ears.
KiraWyld: There's no such thing as too sober for true love.
LuisViornery: Like, fuck snakes, unironically. Wait, no.
JacobRoth: Sucking Dick for Sontag: A Room Draw Musical
ZoabKapoor: And lo, on the third day the toast rose, and it was the perfect amount of browned-ed.
AaronStringerUsdan: Butts are pretty awesome.
HarryFetsch: I'm not touching three.
LilyFriedberg: I'm gonna core-dump your ass!
KevinMcSwiggen: God dammit, I'm just scattering my granny-candy everywhere!
JakePalanker: The main defense system of Denver isn't vampires, it's cyborgs!
LilyFriedberg: Wait, they don't believe in gravity?? (Clock falls off the wall at that exact moment.)
AdamWalker: I wet my pants on Harry’s new couches.
FionnaKopp: *On the phone with Wal-Mart* "What is the largest size of marshmallow you carry?"