FionnaKopp: *On the phone with Wal-Mart* "What is the largest size of marshmallow you carry?"|
Note to frosh: a) add new quotes to the bottom. b) only add quotes that are actually funny.
MicahSmukler: I don't believe in flying bunnies. PomonaJosh: <throws stuffed bunny at Micah> MicahSmukler: <blocks with foot> That flying bunny *sucked!* ... PomonaJosh: Would you rather I attacked you with a beaver?
MicahSmukler: Just because they're i's doesn't mean they're eyes! If they were eyes, they'd be e's! StephGrush: Except after C. MicahSmukler: Centipides have nothing to do with it!
"And next week, on The Gay Incest Mafia..." - Po-Josh
Einstein and Feynman were also cited as being 1337.
"That was a sucky chain." "What are you talking about? It was great!...for sufficiently small values of great." "Yeah, for largely small values of great." This reminds me of StatlerAndWaldorf?
"The prof's getting fresh with the freshest frosh's crotch. The frosh's getting fresh crotch crutches for the prof." - EvilSouthie (who couldn't actually say it)
"So you can upgrade the little guys in the fridge? Awesome!" --ErikShimshock
Eli: Lori, eating Steph's toes is not a respectable rhetorical device. Lori: Give me that bowling pin! Dan: I will trade someone a soda for a backrub. Lori: I will! But mainly so I can bite the soda can. Steph: I'm glad I'm up here where it's safe! Eli: Here, take this bowling pin.
Julie: There's cow ass in my air! Dan: Better than cow air in your ass! Steph: I'm not touching that one! Dan: Which, the cow air or the ass?
Harvey Mudd College in ten minutes: Multiple gunshot wounds to the head. And a few orgasms. --NickHerman
Jeff: Dang, Chainmaille has a firm grip on my shaft. Steph: You should be careful, Chainmaille. If you bend his shaft, then you'll have to buy it.
JeffBrenion: You have to make love to the dome . . .
"You let the smoke out of the pot?" --ChainMaille
"Jeff, I am the lounge." --LoriThomas
"It's a Lori, and a Victoria, and a Robin, and... frosh, have you done your chem yet?!" --RichardGarfinkel
"Vrable, do you now, or have you ever, possessed any bionic limbs?" --EliBogart
JeffBrenion: Why is my shirt in the lounge? RichardGarfinkel: Because you're always taking your clothes off in the lounge? JeffBrenion: ...That might actually be the reason!
"Yeah, Kevin's really good at looking like blankets." -- FrancesHocutt
"I totally would not want to be diagnosed with strep clit." --BrianYoung
"You think you have enough, and then the universe eats your peanuts." -- RobinBaur
Richard: ...I don't like the look of you.
Chainmaille: *violates Richard's personal space*
Richard: Chainmaille touched me! I feel dirty!
Ryan: Ooh! I wanna be touched by Chainmaille!
"I am badass, witness my breasts!" -- RobinBaur
"I was late for the meeting because I just did, basically, all of Scripps." --ErikShimshock
Steph: Because graduate school is much like the afterlife.
Lori: No way. Way too much work, not enough Valhalla.
"Aaah! They're bigger than her head!" --ChainMaille, in response to the Scripps Slumber Party web poster
"Metal is bad because its electrons are like wheeeeeee!" -- RyanRiegel
"I do believe in epsilon! I do! I do! ... Not so much delta, though." -- RobinBaur
"This...is the Bowling Pin of PATRIOTISM!" -- RichardGarfinkel
"Wait, does the little orange thing actually participate?" -- MorganConbere
"Gah! I just poked myself in the eye!" -- JeffBrenion
"Freaking instant karma!" -- JeffBrenion
"YOU have to be sane! I'M touching my nose!" -- LoriThomas
"Ok, why are we equating happiness with a huge erection?" -- ClifMobbs
"I will now tickle your cervix with both fists!" -- JonathanBeall
"That's not lava; it's your future." -- MacKenzieStuart
"Curiosity makes the cat more capable of firing missiles." -- ChrisRoberts
"The only person on campus with privs to fuck Thuban is Roger [Weichmann]." --PhilMiller
"Wait, God is an iMac?" --JeffBrenion
"OK, those are breasts, but I don't know what's going on here" --MacKenzieStuart
"Clif: Julian, why don't you just give them the answers and then a blow job while you're at it? Phil: Because that would be a violation of the honor code."
"Ontario Mills has a Virgin Megastore: for all your sacrificing needs." --KevinBergemann
"I've never been eaten by a cow, therefore I'm not a FreshMan."
"No, more like a rocket powered vat of suck." --LizKadison
Lori, when's SuperMovieNight?? --JulieWortman I KEEL YOU DED!!! --LoriThomas
"I am an experienced barbecue-ee" --ClifMobbs
"Condition: Not wanting to have babies. How do I put that in insurance terms?" --MacKenzieStuart
"Bitching is an individual activity and wanking is a communal activity, oddly enough."--FrancesHocutt
"I hate my uterus." --MiriamLeisman "I like it." --ChrisRoberts
"Presumably not everyone is off screwing like rabbits every day at dinner time." --JonathanBeall
MacKenzieStuart: What's the problem? ChrisRoberts: The opposite gender. MacKenzieStuart: What are they doing? ChrisRoberts: Not me.
JonathanBeall: I like my genitalia unfragmented. MiriamLeisman: So do you defrag them often? PhilMiller: Your genetalia are clearly Mac. JonathanBeall: Then they defragment automatically whenever accessed, so yes, I do. RyanRiegel: And they come with SSH!
"It's like a furry with a persecution complex had a wet dream in an animation studio" -BrianYoung
"Cal gets more pussy than cervical cancer." -MacKenzieStuart
MacKenzieStuart: We need to ease people into me. ChainMaille: That's what lubrication is for.
"Chris, for you she's pass-fail. If you make a pass, you'll fail." --JulianEvans
Cal stuck his thumb up there, and it fit perfectly. --FrancesHocutt
KevinBergemann: I have no orifices--I use Chastity Superglue! PomonaSteve: ...Your chastity iz pastede on yay?
ClifMobbs: Grabbing ass, punching face... what's the difference?
ChrisErickson: I want a pet zombie Cthulhu.
RichardGarfinkel: Hello, Eli. EliBogart: Okay, sure, I can agree with that.
LoriThomas: Those aren't theepy trees, those are what-the-hell trees!
TaraMartin: "Frosh can't get married! It's not allowed!"
LaurenSchulz: "Wait, where are my pants?"
JonathanBeall: How am I sketchy? JulieWortman: Jonathan, take off your shirt. JonathanBeall: (now shirtless) So how am I sketchy?
JulieWortman: Just eat your ketchup and be glad it isn't mayonnaise. JonathanBeall: Thank you for your mercy, Mistress Julie. ::Eats ketchup::
BrianYoung: "That could have been really bad, depending on how quickly I'd fallen for you, Jon."
KevinBergemann: "I haven't made any homemade porn films in the lounge."
NancyEisenmenger: "And one is flashing Alan."
MacKenzieStuart: "If you're on top, it's not gay."
MorganConbere draws a penis KellyWalsh: "That is not going on the t-shirts!"
MacKenzieStuart: "Shaving your bikini line is like spee-lunking!"
RichardGarfinkel: "I'm glad that my drama is self-contained."
AndrewCampbell?: "Is that Unix(tm) the arcade game?!"
HilaryDavidson: "Bottoms have Os in them because bottoms are round! Unless you look at them sideways, then maybe it could be an E"
JulianEvans: "I would have won, but Mike was in cahoots with some unholy sheep god!"
ChrisRoberts: "If I weren't sexiled, I would SO march up to my room right now!"
ChrisRoberts: No Eunuch Chris!!
BrianYoung (Entering): Just for the record, what the HELL?
MiriamLeisman: "I will run you and your penis back to your --" ChrisRoberts: "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
ChrisRoberts: "Being a demon would be even better than being Jewish."
NotSteve: "Baby wipes are not wiping your face with a baby."
StephGrush: "It's not porn unless you're watching it! ... It's like a tree falling in the forest!"
ChrisRoberts: "Anything said in the lounge is a metaphor for sexual pleasure" BrianYoung: "mmm...furniture rental"
AliLee: "Martin, stop grabbing your underwear!"
To a lounge of seven CS people, NancyEisenmenger: "What's a null pointer exception?"
AndrewHunter: "Frances, will you marry me . . . and . . ."
BrettMcLarnon: "All I can think of is having sex in the woods and being shot in the ass by some hunter"
MorganConbere: "I've experienced the penis! 24/7! And I love it!"
HilaryDavidson: "I'm not having sex with fried tofu."
MikeBuchanan: "It would make voting so much easier. Instead of marking a candidate you would just pee on a strip."
ChrisRoberts: "Nothing quite like scoring with an omnipresent being."
MikeBuchanan: "So how about that female genital mutilation? I like pouring acid on vulvas."
MikeBuchanan: "Milk is always associated with climaxes!!"
BrianYoung: "You broke me so bad I drooled on my homework."
BenFogelson?: "You can't get AIDS from masturbating. Unless you masturbate with a used syringe."
KevinOelze: "Why are we talking about penis pointers?"
Fnord: "I like toasters." MiriamLeisman: "NO! We must protect the appliances!" MikeBuchanan: "Dude! If they breed, free appliances?"
MorganConbere: "Dude! I have 12 apples in my underwear!!"
MacKenzieStuart: "These are boobies. Boobies mean girl. Or computer programmer."
*discussion of bondage...* AndrewHunter: Wait, but some people use that for torture...oh. MiriamLeisman: Ding ding ding! What does he win, Mike? MikeBuchanan: A golden shower.
RichardGarfinkel: Who doesn't spawn with a bazooka? JulianEvans: Yeah, why do you think ChildBirth? is so painful?
KrystleMcBride? (about Planarity): "Morgan! Put the graph theory away and do graph theory!"
MartinPyne: "The hottest date is Friday, and it's only 68."
AndrewHunter: "I'm not saying I'm going to do it, but would the couch be my pants?"
DavidLapayowker: "You can't rigorously define pants! There are too many exceptions!"
MorganConbere: "At some point Frances gets offended, and then it gets really funny."
HilaryDavidson: "I've seen The Matrix; I know I need two guns at all times!"
WillShipley: "Richard...is asleep on my floor...I'm not quite sure why..."
JonathanBeall: "Quick! Kevin! Become a topless woman!"
PhilMiller: Potato, were you molested by the tooth fairy?
PhilMiller: Knee-fucking is the next big thing!
Lounge: Julian doesn't lose games to people.
JulianEvans: I lose games all the... damnit!
KevinOelze: Richard, I wouldn't bust your balls if I didn't like you.
RichardBowen: So what you're saying is sex has... uh... FUCK
ChrisRoberts: If they're not screaming, it's not rape.
AndrewHunter: How many times do I have to say I ejaculated on Kacie?
(AndrewHunter returns from wild sexual adventure) AndrewHunter: Wow, I just ejaculated on Kacie! Lounge: What?!?! AndrewHunter: Wow, I just ejaculated on Kacie! Lounge: What?!?! AndrewHunter: How many times do I have to say I ejaculated on Kacie?
PhilMiller: Your card has Zvi's banana on it.
ClifMobbs: . . . but we should hold it at West, so they don't think it's sketch!
ClifMobbs: What they should do is grab her boob, and then kill her.
AlexisNast: You know me, I like to get naked in the lounge all the time.
ClifMobbs: Trust me.
JasonWinerip: Necrophilia is fun!
ChrisRoberts: Man, touching your groin is so much more awesome than touching Alan's...
MorganConbere: Two ready and willing chicks does an orgy make.
KatherineErickson: I'm going to the bathroom. Alone.
MikeBuchanan: That means you're just smearing dog urine on your face for no reason!
AndrewHunter: I want to fuck my children.
AndrewFarmer: It's like whac-a-mole. Except kinky.
ClifMobbs: I told him I'd start thrusting if he didn't move.
JulianEvans: I'd argue that the essence of penis is carried by mass.
ClifMobbs: Why did someone quote me saying "Trust me"?
JayMarkello: (to Zvi while holding a big pipe) I'll hit you if you don't stop back-seat photoshopping!
TrystanKoch: I would totally do Jigglypuff.
MikeBuchanan: Lesbians. Lots of 'em.
PhilMiller: Not all furries are necrophiliacs, Colleen. Keep your fetishes straight.
JulianEvans: Superman prevents WHAT in Utah?
BrianaKonigsberg: He's her sacrificial anode. Think about it! Bits get scraped off him so they don't have to get scraped off her!
RichardMehlinger: I'm basically trying to gouge interest.
AndrewHunter: You can get me drunk and fuck me.
AlanKraut: Fwap fwap fwap is the sound of threshing cock.
JulianEvans: If I roll a five you'll be so pwned! Like sheep up the ass buttsex!
JacobHeller?: Gah, put that away! Wait, what size are you?
Some Pomona guy, during Wet Season: CMC is out of booze!
RichardGarfinkel: I don't think there are any sourcebooks that cover penile enhancement.
StevenSloss?: (in protesting voice) She was four!
MarcDavidson: Gramps, you have no idea how happy I was to see you behind me.
JasonWinerip: She's just a head with breasts, like all good women.
JulianEvans: I'm a Korean Lesbian.
PhilMiller: There's always the option of finding some porn and locking him in the dorm bathroom.
RichardGarfinkel: It's a double-ended dildo that's not symmetrical.
DmitriSkjorshammer: Wait corals don't like sex?
MattKeeter: It's like Necrophilia, but with tickling.
RichardBowen: If I can't get sodomy, I'll take sex in the butt.
MattKeeter: Fuck you black people!... I mean pirates...
MichaelNoback: You can do it, Nana! I love you! *Nana gets klaptrapped* You fucking bitch Nana! You're fucking worthless!
AndreyShur: I mean, it's not about the number of shirts being taken off...
AlexMcAuley: Dude, we better strip and hug each other to conserve heat.
JulianEvans: It's richard-o-clock! *proceeds to put on cloak*
DmitriSkjorshammer: It's asian-time! *proceeds to chase esther outside*
HannahHoersting: We don't care what your gender-identity is... go at it.
SketchMore: Are there any showers with windows?...never mind.
ZviEffron: Foolproof dating plan! Take my tie collection into a bar, go up to a hot chick, and say "Look at my tie collection! Wanna date me?"
AkashRakholia: "Sahakian IS physics."
ArianaFriedman "I love you! I don't want anyone else to blow me!"
JulianEvans: "You swallow, I'll T-bag. Wait, no, that sounded wrong."
HamsterBob: "Bowser is either a male or a lesbian."
AlexMcAuley: "I really want a rocket can to drink out of..." *proceeds to make rocket noises and drinks out of his can*
AndreyShur: "See, this part of the program looks at my massive dict." (think about what it sounded like when he said it out loud...)
MoiraTagle: I can do more with my hand than you can with your tongue!
MartinPyne: Food is my weak point.
SketchMore: Suck him! Suck him!
MattKeeter: That's what the world needs...more head fucking!
MarquisWang: Wait...if we're underage....WE CAN HAVE SEX! MATT! WE CAN HAVE SEX!
DanaJensen: I think I need more prostitute friends in America.
MarquisWang: These lasers are smaller than my penis.
DanaJensen: Eww! I got it on my face.
JoshuaEhrlich: I dont spend enough time alone in my room with my computer.
ChrisRoberts: Terrorists are forcing you to have gay sex, would you pitch or catch?
MartyField: Heil! Listen! Heil! Listen!
MoiraTagle: I don't really need 17 inches...
SketchMore: Yes, I've done all the billions of species on this planet, except humans. Amoebas were very... difficult.
TrevinMurakami: Raped! With a fork!
JenniRinker: Tenticular satisfaction.
MichaelGilik?: Luigi's asshole is just too tight.
JayMarkello: I'm just a dumb robot!
MichaelGilik?: Why is "om nom nom nom" in the search bar?
MadeleineOng: Considering I'm still red and blue in places I can't clean...
SketchMore: Damnit Hunter! You're a horrible bottom!
MattKeeter: Pick a letter between A and E. Except not E.
DmitriSkjorshammer: I didn't mean to grope you all four times!
MattKeeter: Owned by the asteroid stag!
AndreyShur: (in a heavy metal voice) WRONSKIAN! Da na na na na na na! FINDING THE DERIVATIVE!
AlexMcAuley: Dude, this is like crotchlate!
MoiraTagle: I doubt that Dan could fit into her pants.
- talking about his SISTER here
ArianaFriedman: My homework is beckoning. "Do me! Do me!" it says.
SketchMore: Whoah, that's a strong vibrator, way stronger than Sonja's.
DanMoore: You want abortion? I'll give you abortion!
MattKeeter: I'm legal!
Everyone in lounge: Enqueue!
MorganConbere: Love is between a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or, in Ann's case, her and her dog.
ArianaFriedman: You know what's funny? Going to a kid with a broken leg and taking away his crutches.
RichardBowen: Amino acids and pokemon are essentially the same thing.
JulianEvans: It's like affirmative action, for gay rapists.
SaraGussin: I'm not pregnant; I'm on my fucking period!
MadeleineOng: There were three of them, and they came all at once!
JulianEvans: Enough about incest--so, about the Super Mario Brothers...
EricLangman: That's why incest is becoming more acceptable: because of the graphics upgrade.
RonJeremy?: ...and you can get your two FREE videos for a BUCK! *makes odd popping noise with mouth*
EricLangman: Did you just call my girlfriend a wood-port?
EthanSokol: Does anybody know how to search the internet?
FrancesHocutt: I kind of have a consent fetish.
JasonWinerip: Unfortunately, for this version of bang she has to be awake.
RichardBowen: Why yes, I am a professional oral sex enthusiast.
RichardBowen: (To the tune of the Manamana song) Doot, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,.... Product Rule!
AndreyShur: Keep it open! She might put her finger in there eventually!
JasonWinerip: There aren't any ropes involved - yet.
AlexMcAuley: Oxygen's a dick, man.
JasonWinerip: Last time I tried to kill a girl, I ended up dating her.
JasonWinerip <after a game of bang>: Oh fuck, I was the renegade!
MattKeeter: I'd take some chocolate if it was from your naughty bits.
BrianaKonigsberg: It's like a pyramid scheme of Nazi slaves.
AndrewFarmer: Apparently I'm female.
SketchyAlum: Does anyone have a corkscrew? Corkscrew? Corkscrew? Well, how about A BONG?!?
MatthewLawson: It would be like red rover, except when you came over, they'd burn you at the stake.
JasonWinerip: Yes! I have a penis!
ArianaFriedman: Save the crotch, cut the tape!
AndreyShur: Plants are good to...FUCK!
AndreyShur: Okay, I'm going to mate with a baby.
RichardBowen: Strapons make everything easy.
MattKeeter: duhh....nuhh...duh...nuh..duh nuh...Marriage!
JeremyBrown: I'm a thinking prostitute!
StephanieLevins: Can I please put my bra back on before you search me further?
StephanieLevins: You're uncomfortable?!? They're doing it on me!
StephanieLevins: I stepped on a penis.
JeremyBrown: ...are there any hard Mudd classes?
JamesTKirk: Captain's log: stardate... Armageddon.
AkashRakholia: We should throw crackers at white people!
StephanieLevins: I'll bring the naked men to you.
PeterMawhorter: (Playing Contact) Is it a red and white vegetable that belongs to a basketball game, that is also a flavorful person with no knees, which is also an animal you might find in a competition that is sort of a seventies adjective?
(5 mins later): Horseradish.
RichardBowen: Yeah! Stimulate my prostate!
StephanieLevins: Oh yeah, Jenna - stretch me further!
AnnJohnston: (shoving knife down throat) I can't find the hole!!
ChrisFerguson: Pikachu giveth, pikachu taketh away.
BobChen: My penis is sleeping.
Laura Johnston: I have no fear of axe murderers. I'm a chemist!
ArianaFriedman: So if I'm a grammar Nazi, does that make you a grammar Jew?
JennaRyon: Why have an orgasm if you don't notice? It's like someone poked a hole in his testicles.
AnnJohnston: You now know what happens when you surprise me in the ass.
MarcDavidson: I should change my name to Lynyrd Skynyrd.
MattKeeter: My clothes are bionics.
XandaSchofield: So back to vaginas...
EricLangman: Would you hit the dog? I know I'd hit the dog.
MattKeeter: Dual-wielding is kind of awkward when you're referring to penises
JamesBrown: You just put it in your mouth, Ann, of course it's sticky.
PaNts: Music is basically porn!
AbigailJaneGregory: I'm so full of sperm right now!
JenniRinker: I am going to take over the world - with my body.
JenniRinker: Dan, you've got muscles. What else could be going wrong?
WilliamGrabill: This'll be a walk through the cake.
AudreyMusselmanBrown: What if instead of Pitzer and Pomona we just had Pomoner? And a Pomoner is like a boner, but pretentious?
James White: Then it would be stuck up!
SamGutekunst: Braiding hair: automatic turn on!
AnnJohnston (a senior): He took advantage of me while I was intoxicated, but I'm OK with that. (speaking about a frosh)
AnnJohnston (a senior): I haven't taken advantage of any frosh except... wait, I haven't taken advantage of any frosh! That frosh took advantage of me!
GretchenAllen: (to James White) I wouldn't stick Reese's Pieces up your nose. I mean, you'd have to do something really dumb to make me do that.
James White: ... Shit! I'm screwed!
StephanieLevins: If they start selling heroin, I'd buy that too.
KatyAnderson: Why do we care unless she's eating him?
StephanieLevins: I think we should have dorm puppy night, where everybody... eats a puppy.
EricLangman: If I gave you $10 would you find the geodesics of my ballsack?
BenJones: What tools can I use?
BenJones: Why would I do that?
EricLangman: Well, then if the universe is shaped like my ballsack then you can model photon flow.
BenJones: I don't think I want to live in that universe.
EricLangman: You don't have a choice. You don't know if the universe is hyperbolic...
JeffreyHemphill: Well if you hear squealing from above, that's probably a good sign that pigs are falling from the sky.
RandomPeople?: Is this someone's room?
JasonWinerip: I feel like such a dick for graduating with honors.
AndrewGibiansky: Squirrels are like elephants, they evolve!
KatieBennett: It's not conprostate?
GretchenAllen: Are we talking about thongs, or anal sex?
JustinBai: TorchWood? You mean they light their dicks on fire?
[All]: Wait, what?
JustinBai: I feel like that's a bad idea... I mean, doesn't the penis have a lot of pain receptors?
DietrichLangenbach: You don't know until you try. PassFail FrOsh, go burn your dick off!
AllisonMis: I would do anything to shit on your floor.
GretchenAllen: It's gonna be a total labgasm.
AllisonMis: Ramming submarine! AUOOOOGAH! AUOOOOGAH!
JtBooth: You put your crush in a can, and then you *smashing motion* crush them.
JenniRinker: Death is such a cock block!
KevinMcSwiggen: That's what they're discussing at the DAC meeting next week--to decide on swoop access policies!
DavidScott: If Java were a person I'd be fucking its brains out every night.
PaNts: It's like you put on someone else's penis, except that penis is shared among 600 people, and they all depend on it.
AllisonMis: Stop-- stop-- stop! That went like, in my mouth!
AllisonMis: I'm going to snap your glasses in half and use the sharp broken ends of the frames to carve "I don't know what my major is" into your chest!
BenLowenstein: That sounds kind of hot, actually. When are we doing this?
JacobPeacock: Me, inebriated? Never. I am soberer than a fly on Sundays.
PatrickMeehan: Beer? It tastes like carbonated bread, with a hint of kick-in-the-mouth.
KevinMcSwiggen: I'm getting to the point in physics where in lecture I'm like "This makes sense. I can follow this." and then I get to the homework and I'm like "how the fuck do I do this?"
DavidScott: That describes my entire life.
JacobPeacock: Yes, I get to the homework of my life--wait a minute, what is that? Masturbation?
JustinBai: You have to be more subtle. See, when I want to get into someone's pants I look at their pants.
KevinMcSwiggen: All of my nuggets are fun. Even those nuggets.
RossMawhorter: It's actually a constant drain on the energy of my ass.
KevinMcSwiggen: Xanda, I hope you understand that at some point in the future, you have allowed me free reign on your ass.
JacobPeacock: Get the thumbscrews! I won't talk! Can you get your elbow out of my leg? It hurts.
JacobPeacock: How do you steal books? Oh right, the library!
ChrisSugino: Am I the only team player here?
JacobPeacock: I'mma throw you by your penis now.
JacobPeacock: We should all draw names anonymously!
KevinMcSwiggen: That's too much lavender for one man!
JtBooth: Admittedly, not many people have weapon proficiency penis.
KevinMcSwiggen: Some people just aren't made for orgies!
KevinMcSwiggen: One pope, two pope, dead pope, glue pope!
AllisonMis: Bullshit! You are as virginal as snow made of gloryholes!
PatrickMeehan: All I need to do is masturbate and everyone will be happy!
KevinMcSwiggen: It's called... a roargasm.
ChrisSugino: Apparently you're Broseph's penis at this moment.
PatrickMeehan: That's not as fun. It doesn't wiggle as much.
JacobPeacock: some motherfucker was fucking integrating on my goddamn motherfucking door which means Justin is goddamned motherfucking fucking in my fucking room!
PatrickMeehan: I though that was my phone going off but really your physical contact had just extended to my pants.
KevinMcSwiggen: It's axiomatic: Patrick's a little bitch!
EmmaDavis (from Stems book): A structural member that twists under the action of torque is called a shaft.
KevinMcSwiggen: whoa whoa whoa, my member does not enjoy being torqued!
EmmaDavis: For example, consider a long structural member...
EmmaDavis: There's a nice diagram, too!
EmmaManning: It'll be hard; I'm so used to having sex with elementary school students.
RossMawhorter: Thirteen, that's like the perfect number of clocks! Except we need more.
AllisonMis: Of course I said all that in my head, because nobody likes to hear "NO! Not today!" coming from the bathroom.
JustinBai: If porn was like real life, it'd last, like 5 minutes! The first three of those are foreplay.
DavidScott: Can I look at your schwa?
AaronStringerUsdan: My urethra does NOT stretch like that!!!!
JohnPhillpot: Self-lubricating Prof. Chen.
BritishKid: That was a fucking long-range bloody ejaculate.
PatrickMeehan: Somebody fuck me. Please.
PatrickMeehan: Professor Gerald Van "Longer than you think it is" Hecke
ZoeTucker: If a female physicist is curious about her sexuality, she can try the double slit experiment.
BritishKid: Live long and shocker.
JohnPhillpot: By the intermediate value theorem, it came from the penis.
JohnPhillpot: I will make strange funguses grow in strange places.
BenLowenstein: I've masturbated to Claremont WPA. I mean, it's always going down on me.
JacobPeacock: My name is Stumpy! I want to make love to you!
JohnPhillpot: Jesus loved getting nailed.
DaniBork: You know what they say about toddlers: they make useful cannon foddler!
EmmaMeersman: (Jacob)Peacock took its virginity in a very fragrant manner.
JohnathanAshley: The safe word will be, "pee on me".
GeorgeAspesi: Sometimes forcibly turning off my computer feels like trying to drown someone.
JohnPhillpot: Are children Turing-complete?
JohnathanAshley: Normal humans climax. I anticlimax.
PatrickMeehan: I asked you to turn on the lights, not the baleful eye of Satan.
AkashRakholia: What's a morning?
(Apparently as of our 5th reunion, we haven't changed a bit!)
ZoabKapoor: In fact, my butt is the laundry room.
AllisonMis: She was like a crusader of dick-chopping.
EmmaManning: The only bad thing about complex analysis is that it seems to good to be real.
ZoeTucker: Don't violate egrets!
KevinMcSwiggen: I don't want to put in effort, I just want to consume buttholes.
ZacharyFriedlander: The only 100% safe STEMS is abstinence.
KevinMcSwiggen: I am all about... sexual mucus, or as the case may be, love mucus of a non-sexual nature. Just... very romantic mucus.
MichaelSheely: I think the things I'm afraid of the most are global warming and death.
MaxHlavacek: Somebody asked me if I had ever considered being fashionable; I should have just eaten their clothes on the spot.
KevinMcSwiggen: Somebody said the word rectified and I immediately added, "With my rectum!" The word was forever tainted.
KevinMcSwiggen: Up above the sky so sky. Like a diamond I am high.
ZoeTucker: I've started describing myself as both insexual and sursexual.
KevinMcSwiggen: I fucked your mother / She said I'm worse than your dad / Mixed result insult
KevinMcSwiggen: *I* would hug that penis. It's so kawaii!
KevinMcSwiggen: Just find yourself a nice phone with a flared base...
KevinMcSwiggen: I'm trying to reduce my carbon fingerprint, so I can get away with SICK CARBON CRIMES!
MaxHlavacek: WHO STACKED THE MOLLUSCS???
TommySchneider: Speaking of cutting your brakes and forgetting about it . . .
AliKhan: I don't want to become this. And the lounge smells weird.
LiamLloyd: I mean the nervous system is the most palatable part of the human body.
MarinaKnittel: Does anyone else hate the taste of skin? . . . I used to bite into that little bit of fat on your arm since it looks like a marshmallow.
DaniBork: *entering the lounge mid-conversation* Sure, but I still prefer the revenge.
JohnPhillpot: I call it brood lighting.
LuisViornery: It's a little death dildo! It's a little flying death dildo!
JohnPhillpot: It's like a fish out of water story, except the fish is made of bullshit, and the water is made of bullshit!
JacobRoth: So like Reading Rainbow but for masturbation?
AaronStringerUsdan: Yee is the most important video on the internet.
JohnLittle: My buttocks are an enigma.
JacobRoth: Tommy's slit was horizontal for half of modern lab.
AaronStringerUsdan: The Louch is a sex-platform!
TommySchneider: There's a difference between a sex-basement and an illegal sex-basement.
ZoeTucker: Women are a normal subgroup.
LiamLloyd: Hitler was a grammar nazi!
MariechristineGarcia: Give me Bottom all day every day.
ZoeTucker: Marina does questionable things to avocados.
JohnLittle: Next weekend is Parent's Weekend? Who here has a beautiful mother?
ZoabKapoor: your Hitler is uncanny.
JacobRoth: The Trump Train has no tracks. It's like one of those parking lot trains at Disney World, except instead of a golf cart in front it's NASCAR.
ZoabKapoor: OK so we need to do 3SAT. What if we just return true?
AaronStringerUsdan: You are the worst epiglottis.
TimMiddlemas: You can always just hide inside yourself.
ZoabKapoor: What if all the Sodomites were just torrenting a lot?
LiamLloyd: By the transitive property, it is easier to shove a gerbil up your ass than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.
LiamLloyd: What's the most suggestive word for `proof'?
ZoeTucker: I took online gym, but I didn't take online MORMON gym.
JacobRoth: I feel like nipples are a lot more sexually attractive than ears.
KiraWyld: There's no such thing as too sober for true love.
LuisViornery: Like, fuck snakes, unironically. Wait, no.
JacobRoth: Sucking Dick for Sontag: A Room Draw Musical
ZoabKapoor: And lo, on the third day the toast rose, and it was the perfect amount of browned-ed.
AaronStringerUsdan: Butts are pretty awesome.
HarryFetsch: I'm not touching three.
LilyFriedberg: I'm gonna core-dump your ass!
KevinMcSwiggen: God dammit, I'm just scattering my granny-candy everywhere!
JakePalanker: The main defense system of Denver isn't vampires, it's cyborgs!
LilyFriedberg: Wait, they don't believe in gravity?? (Clock falls off the wall at that exact moment.)
AdamWalker: I wet my pants on Harry’s new couches.
FionnaKopp: *On the phone with Wal-Mart* "What is the largest size of marshmallow you carry?"